Accepting and Creating Abuse

Today and these months I have been acting weird...and not being Honest with myself and others.
I did something today that make me realise that I am still abusive and I am very sad and observing how I am acting and how I was acting and I am very dissapointed of myself.

I don´t understand this mess within myself. I am hurting people with my attitude, but mostly myself and I am very angry.
I feel I don´t know anymore between good and bad and I say words that are not aligned with myself anymore.

Within this days I have been also dependant; very dependant of others, but mostly of a friend in Facebook. He writes me regularly and I have been feeling things for him and when he stops writting 2 or 3 days I feel sad, worried and stressed. I am really surprised by acting this way - is an attitude I criticized in others; many in fact that I am participating within these days and I am scared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself to feel sad, worried and anxious when U. doesn´t write me regularly or when he doesn´t answer my messages, or if he doesn´t tell me the things I wanna hear.
 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself some kind of enslavement within myself for placing my calmness in other people. Within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others expecting things I want based in control and in a compulsion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying something wrong to my friends and so loosing them, I participate in imaginating U. and other people not talking to me for my attitude these days and if I say something feeling that he or them will leave me alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that they will never write/communicate back when they don´t answer me in facebook or in my cellphone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and feel anyone likes me and that all laughs at me due to the way I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depressed due to what I expected in the relationship with M. - I realised I messed up with myself due to my desires and wants/due to my desire of having a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not directing myself to stop this memories and abuse and basing other relations in this experience.

I commit myself to direct and support myself to stop this abuse and to move on.
When and as I see myself participating in sadness, in lonelyness I stop and I breathe, I direct myself to walk out ot this abuse and taking responsability of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at other people by the things they do and write on their facebook and what they do in their lives 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my sarcasm to laugh at other people; I realise  is a way to protect myself to avoid people hurting me.

I forgve myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by other people, and so that´s why in a way I act before they hurt and I hurt instead
But I have realised the abuse I make unto others and myself and I compromise myself to stop acting like this bullying character and to stand up as honesty and as transparency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the bully character where I laugh at others and place me as better than all the people around me, pretending to be full of knowledge and information - Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my knowledge and information to place people as less than me and me as more than others due to past experiencies where that kind of things was done unto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in exposing people to laugh at them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than others and to laugh at them as a way of feeling protected and avoid being left out and hurt as the way I was left out and hurt in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am still want to be accepted and to be liked by others instead of accepting me first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in explosive energetic reactions when something is not the way I want or when a person doesn´t react the way I want to instead of breathing and instead of directing myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsability and to step out of my process by the belief that I am not worth it or that this process is not for me and that I am not capable of doing it,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowwed myself to participate in wants and desires for being liked by another and to have a relationship and so I want to call the attention of others upon me - I realise I am participating in an inmature character and I am being abusive, dishonest with me and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to participate in  fears of being alone and left out so I act obsessively upon others forcing them to stay near me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these characters and to realise I am participating within them and not taking actions - taking direction and directing myself - Stopping and Breathing through this patterns, behaviours and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone due to these behaviours.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and not grounded within myself to take responsability where I feel lost and not having a guide to follow.


I realise, accept and observe the abusive ways I have been accepting within myself, the consequences I am creating in me and others.

When and as I see myself participating in the desire of being sarcastic, and to laugh at other people - I stop, I breathe, I direct myself and I take responsability for myself.

I compromise myself to Breathe and direct myself and to be again the directive principle within my life and to stop my mind and energetic outbursts within myself to stand as self-honesty and take responsability for myself


Please also add me to this facebook account https://www.facebook.com/jessieariasu?fref=ts
Due to this mess I have been openning and closing it/blocking it. I´ll have the 2 of them to walk my process and share info 
Thanks :-)