I keep searching and searching for another job option where I can get more money.
I am not comfortable with the money I am getting in my actual job, sometimes I run out of money at the end of my month and its surprising that sometimes I can´t have money also for my transportation to my job....it´s enough, I can´t stand this anymore.
So, I will keep searching and searching...I don´t know what I will end up doing, sometimes I feel very anxious in thinking and in seeing myself in one year and I get sad due to not having something stable. I want to have something for my own....have more stability in a job where I can be happy and having enough money to go out and do what I want and buy the things I want, help my mom, giving her money, taking her on vacations, buying her a new car, buying me a new car....
I have to work hard, and I really want to achieve goals by myself, not depending on anyone but myself.
In the meantime I am making excercise to keep myself in shape, but also in maintining myself busy and not participating in nasty thoughts and feelings.
At the same time I am thankful as I always say about what I have lived....it haven´t been a lot like what other people have lived but I liked the way my life has been...nowadays I have been struggling with money but I have done cool things, I have met awsome people, I am healthy, I am faithful in that I will have money ...lol!
Because money it´s important! And money cannot be a point of struggle for anyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful about the future due to not finding a cool job for me with more opprtunities to grow and to be stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that stability will come from outside myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing that stability requires to born inside myself to express it to the outside - to my reality - to my world.
I know anyone - a job, a person, a place, a situation, etc- won´t give me the stability I have to build for myself.
I am constantly wanting to search for more...to be more, and I get impatient when things don´t go the way I want and also I get bored very easily with things because I start imagining myself that maybe in other place I will be better...or then I want to have more experiences...
LOL I am restless, but at the same time I fall in comfort zones and thats the thing I have to stop.
For example in this job ....I don´t want it to turn it into a comfort zone and stopping myself from searching because I have this job, although I get a miserable salary, I have something and I have friends, and I have a rutine that is nice and I can from time to time buy cool things...
I don´t want that....
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry because I am not getting to any place in my life due to thoughts and feelings of not being good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe I am not getting to a place because I tend to compare myself with other people ( people are fighting to survive just as me so there´s nothing to feel sad or ashamed) within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowinmg myself to be ashamed of being 33 years and not having what I wanted when I was 20, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself, to continue being hard and scolding myself for not reaching to the image I have in my mind of what I would want to.
I see, realise and understand that I have to step by step continue building and reaching my goals cause everything I want I can achieve it.
I only have to make the decision and stop fears and insecurities.
Great. I am getting to nice point here.
Being ashamed. Insecurities and fears.
and the continuos point of being hard on myself.
I am hard on myself cause I know I can make great things, but I can´t like, reach the potential I want due to money and other priorities I have !!
and I have to make them quickly - I have to move fast!! Have to run due to the years/time I was just walking ....
I will continue with these points on the next posts.
In this days I have been planning in changing from the job I am. I am in a call-center, and I spot the eye on another one. I didn´t wanted to work in those places anymore, but it seems there is the only place where you can get a good payment if you know english and I want to improve more in that language and in having more skills for my business. I hope everythings flows in a good way cause I tend to stop from moving myself due to fears and most of all insecurities I still have.
Thinking in moving into another environment - which its the same as when I was in that call center where I knew this guy - makes me feel very nervous. It affected me a lot as I can see. But enough I will not feed those emotions again in me. I have talked to much and I have to move on. I learned a lot about relationships with these boys and now I know what I want and what I won´t accept anymore. Great teachers.
I am always fearful of new changes in my life. I use to stay in places where I can feel safe and where no-one or anything can make me feel anxious or threatened, and this job where I am in this moment its a place that in a way you can do whatever you want and you don´t see hard consequences, I don´t do a hard job - I just only call to sell loans and if the client doesn´t want it then I hang up - simple! it doesn´t demands a lot of work. At the beginning there I was receiving calls and it was frustrating sometimes because I was not controlling the flow of calls and when I moved in this campaign I felt very cool - also I start to earn more comissions, but the pay is still low - I need more.
I want to analyze what I will do cause I don´t want to desert from the other job and again stay without anything secure....so I am in the decision of leaving my comfort zone to a zone where I know I will have to put more attention and work harder..or at least I believe that.
And there is where I see more opportunities to pay the bills I have to pay, buy me more things, fixing my car so I can do more things on my own, completing my goals of enjoying my life to the fullest and prepare my way to make my business and do what I always wanted. Be my own boss!
I first began to feel fearful, starting again...but I stop myself in that cause I am not in my 20´s anymore, I have to be more mature in some points withing my life and start building "something" for my future. And anybody it´s going to do it for me and I always wanted to do things for and by my own.
I know I will have it and I said in my previous posts I have to stop doing things that separates me from reaching my goals.
The first thing I did was to not going out with my friends anymore - no alcohol in these days. I didn´t bought anything based in desires but in things that I need to assist myself.
I have to also to be the one I was - I used to read and investigate more than distracting with other stuff .... Stop...I won´t feed my past, I am here. So...my next step is to get in shape in many ways...physycal and mental ...
When I was a child I just reached my hand I get anything - my mom worked very hard and gave me all I wanted...well, not all but she wanted me to be happy - but then our economy began to have problems and I was not at the same level as I were - and I have learned to not take things for granted and to save money. Its horrible when you don´t have anything to eat sometimes, but everything goes right at the end.
Experiences helps a lot , so this experiences has helped me to take care more of what I do and also to place in the shoes of other people and I don´t want anyone to struggle as I do...of course they are people with worse lifes and they really don´t have anything in her hands to produce money and I do have many talents to explore and explode to create money. I just want direction and guidance to not distract myself anymore.
I will do it, I know :D!
Cause I want it and life will bring me the tools as it always do. I just place myself open to receive and all of that comes to me.
Like having another life-teacher for me, to have fun and to do learn more things, live more experiences... :D LOL! ok...that will come too...First the first step...then the others will come
I am having that thought running trhough my head these days.... " I am running out of time? " .... I am constantly being hard on myself in this...cause I am 33 and I haven´t done anything with my life...wait...a voice says "Haven´t you done anything?", well, I haven´t as others in for example having my own place or having the things I wanted to have when I daydreamed at my 20´s ....but, I am independent, I have money to go out and do things with my friends, buy nice things...but...it´s not enough.
Sometimes I feel old...I feel like yes, I am running out of time. I want to do so many things now and for some things it´s late...ummm ...
I have to admit it I am not longer 2o ...I see my co-workers...the mayority are younger than me..they are in their 20´s /25´s and I really would want to be on that age too, living on their time...I don´t like also when friends tell me I am old and that I have to do what the people at my age do....that makes me feel sad sometimes....but that "common sense voice" inside me is more stronger and I don´t give a shit....I will do things, but the things I want no the programmed life styles everyone has....
I feel I am living now the experiences I had to live in that age...like doing stupid things, not worrying a lot abut future...having more experiences in relationship stuff...but...then I realise and I didn´t wanted in that age to behave as a normal people...I wanted to investigate further within myself to not follow predictabilities....lol..I guess I am passing the 30´s crisis or something like that...I am accessing other mind patterns...those that make you feel old...the ones that makes you want to settle down and find someone to make a family...turn around to see babies and make them faces and desiring to have one of those...LOL!! No! ... hahaha I want a family yes,..but...I don´t want to follow the same rules....I wanna do it different...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel I am running out of time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am old and my time here on earth is going away so I feel afraid cause I haven´t placed a print in this world to be someone...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am no-one - I am a being that is here...living and making each day count and time is an illusion.
I realise, see and understand that time is an illusion, it´s in my mind....
Indeed a day goes very quickly and when you realise it´s over and you may realise you didn´t do the things you had to do....
So...here...writting this I have to make a decision of not distracting myself in doing things that separates me from my goals...
What are separating me from my goals?? -- Easy, first of all, I spend a lot of money going out with my friends...buying stupid things...( well. maybe not very stupid...I want them ) but I would´ve save that money to invest it on my business.
Also I can "invest" more of my time investigating stuff I can make to grow in that goals I have.
What are my goals? My business ( being my own boss ) and getting a better body.
So...I have to do it....
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel old and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself based on a number.
I realise, see and understand that I am young, my body is healthy, I have the correct tools for me here, I have the things I need to have more.
So. Time is not running out!! I am in the exact point, place to do things...all I have to do is making the decision to make them, not matter time...stopping the worries about time...Enjoying time cause time gives you experiences and lessons to make you stronger !!!
I am resisting a lot to start again writting and doing process
Why? well, because I don´t want to be in control about me...take responsability ... update myself to Desteni process and read blogs, watch vlogs //boring //
I connect these with not being fun at all, not enjoying life when I am responsible and honest and when I consider to do the "best" for me.
These years I haven´t been taking care of me in relation of not feeding systems in me and in others has been in my perspective "fun" - cause I have felt "part of society"; something that I never felted before due to being shy and thinking instead of acting.
I met a guy which just wanted to avoid compromises, I get laid, I party a lot, I started smoking cigarrettes and marihuana, I wanted to find a "one night stand", I put myself in danger many times, and just for being part of something...wanted to know how it was to be ordinary...as the ones I used to protect myself from due to the principles my family gave me....
It was not so bad at all because I found myself, I face my true nature in so many ways, I walk through many fears, feelings, thoughts. I learned a lot from those experiences, I miss others,...I am thankful..But, I am not like that..it´s not me at all.
In a relationship I want compromise - friends, partners, family etc, - I don´t want to loose people due to stupidity created by feelings and emotions - which is something this guy helped me to realis, I want responsability to take care of myself and not place myself in danger and I don´t want to loose myself withing the shit everybody are accepting and allowing
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect being a fun and interesting person If I party a lot, if I smoke a lot, if I follow the masses - I realise, see and understand that is the image the system wants you to buy/believe so you cannot stand and change and make important changes to stop what we are accepting and allowing within us and within others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being as other people make me part of something and if I don´t feed those systems i am and outcast or something - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel weird for being who I am, I forgive myself for not accepting myself as who I am and instead comparing me with others.
I realise, see and understand the separation I am allowing in myself, the abuse I am creating within me so outside of me.
I found a job also, where I have found awsome people, people that has less age than me and that reminds me what I forget and I surprise every day to see that is like life saying to me to again stand and to forget and forgive the past.
The point I haven´t forget is the belief of loosing people - that is something I don´t grasp at all cause I don´t want to be far of people that was part of my life at some point. But I know that is part of life, people appear as teachers and when the lesson is understood they leave, and I don´t want to be as others that stay angry with those people, I want to be thankful of knowing them although they are not here.
So my job ---although it´s not a good company I am assisting with the money and the new things I learning. I will search for another one when the times come. And I want to start making a business of my own....so I can be my own boss and enjoy myself and my life more.
And I realise the tools I have to improve in me is constancy...a lot of that lol...then responsability and hard work...among of other things I will stand for! : )
Ok,
I´ll leave it here.
Time to bed.
