Day -- 290 -- I don´t know how to call this post - lol

I am resisting a lot to start again writting and doing process
Why? well, because I don´t want to be in control about me...take responsability ... update myself to Desteni process and read blogs, watch vlogs //boring // 
I connect these with not being fun at all, not enjoying life when I am responsible and honest and when I consider to do the "best" for me.

These years I haven´t been taking care of me in relation of not feeding systems in me and in others has been in my perspective "fun"  - cause I have felt "part of society"; something that I never felted before due to being shy and thinking instead of acting. 
I met a guy which just wanted to avoid compromises, I get laid, I party a lot, I started smoking cigarrettes and marihuana, I wanted to find a "one night stand", I put myself in danger  many times, and just for being part of something...wanted to know how it was to be ordinary...as the ones I used to protect myself from due to the principles my family gave me....

It was not so bad at all because I found myself, I face my true nature in so many ways, I walk through many fears, feelings, thoughts. I learned a lot from those experiences, I miss others,...I am thankful..But, I am not like that..it´s not me at all. 
In a relationship I want compromise - friends, partners, family etc, - I don´t want to loose people due to stupidity created by feelings and emotions - which is something this guy helped me to realis,  I want responsability to take care of myself and not place myself in danger and I don´t want to loose myself withing the shit everybody are accepting and allowing 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect being  a fun and interesting person If I party a lot, if I smoke a lot, if I follow the masses - I realise, see and understand that is the image the system wants you to buy/believe so you cannot stand and change and make important changes to stop what we are accepting and allowing within us and within others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being as other people make me part of something and if I don´t feed those systems i am and outcast or something - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel weird for being who I am, I forgive myself for not accepting myself as who I am and instead comparing me with others.
I realise, see and understand the separation I am allowing in myself, the abuse I am creating within me so outside of me.

I found a job also, where I have found awsome people, people that has less age than me and that reminds me what I forget and I surprise every day to see that is like life saying to me to again stand and to forget and forgive the past.
The point I haven´t forget is the belief of loosing people - that is something I don´t grasp at all cause I don´t want to be far of people that was part of my life at some point. But I know that is part of life, people appear as teachers and when the lesson is understood they leave, and I don´t want to be as others that stay angry with those people, I want to be thankful of knowing them although they are not here.

So my job ---although it´s not a good company I am assisting with the money and the new things I learning. I will search for another one when the times come. And I want to start making a business of my own....so I can be my own boss and enjoy myself and my life more.
And I realise the tools I have to improve in me is constancy...a lot of that lol...then responsability and hard work...among of other things I will stand for! : ) 

Ok, 
I´ll leave it here.

Time to bed.