Day 295 - I must be the change

I fall again into this same pattern of feeling depressed due to many things happening in my life.  I lost another job, and I felt very sad due to loosing again a good assistance for me while I was searching to have better opportunities in my life...I will leave it here cause I don´t want to again do the same I do like complaining or feeling stupid and judging myself.

Within this months I have been learning how to stand again, and now from zero. I really had these days where I didn´t had money to eat and I don´t want to continue like it anymore. 
I try to think and think, analyze and analyze why the money has not being "benevolent" with me lol, but I have been seeing my behaviour in the last years and well, yes I was very very resisting to make a change and to make an effort to be a difference due to observing the same bullshit in my life and in the world. I was feeling tired of fighting and fighting., but I have realized that I am doing this only for me, I am not saying I don´t care about others but I have been doing everything since outside to the inside...

Well. I have learned I am a fighter and I will continue fighting and stopping these consequences I have been creating in my life where I ended up abusing myself accepting limitations.

When I decided to stopped myself assiting me everything stopped as well. No jobs, no money, not even people that wanted to buy me the knitted stuff I make. So interesting indeed. 
But I started doing things different. I started with a simple thing. Just something different and that was moving myself, making a routine. I hate routines. I didn´t like them, but I have observed everyone should have one. Everyone that is succesfull has a routine/schedule, a way to order things in their life and they are consistent and they follow their own rules. Rules implemented by them to stablish things in their reality. So I did it. I started to make a routine of excercises and I have been moving myself within this 3 weeks and I feel different indeed. I have started with a little effort and now I don´t feel its an effort, I feel it as an enjoyment to be better and to change. 

So...yeah, its a pattern in me....I don´t finish many of the things I start, I am not disciplined. and due to that I feel awful, I am very very hard on myself  and I continuously say myself negative things, but I don´t want that anymore.

So again...lol...I am standing and falling ...I hate that ! but I am here and my life has to change now. It is now or now cause really my life has been a mess.