Facebook has this feature that shows you what you were doing in the past years in the same day - and I have been opening this feature to see my posts years ago...and I realised I was a very stupid person. I used to write posts that were very sarcastic and abusive indeed, specially directed to a person who was in my life in that period of my life.
I was starting to feel very attracted to boys and they were also wanted to get close to me, I didn´t had any prior experiences because the boys I liked didn´t feel anything about me or they just wanted to be my friends. I was in this job where I met a guy I liked cause he showed and interest in me and at the same time I was knowing a guy in facebook with which I enjoyed a lot talking about many topics and he was so interesting and open to many topics and he indeed opened a new world for me in experiences and knowledge. I was enjoying a lot having his company through the web and I was learning how to be patient, I didn´t wanted to rush and he was also not much available in terms of going out with me; we just had comunication through facebook, skype and whatsapp although he lives in the same city.
The other guy was in my job and I saw him everyday and I was getting fond of him.
Both had something in common in a way - they didn´t want a serious relationship. The guy I met in my job had a long distance "serious" relationship and I felt uncomfortable by going out with him knowing he had already a girlfriend so I stopped going out with him and the other guy enjoyed having more than one relationships. I reacted a lot to this. My principles, morals, all my mental programs began to create a chaos within me and I fucked everything. I did pushed them away from me.
And its sad because I miss specially one of them. But in fact in fact I did learned a lot about me. I create intimacy within me and I see myself very differently, Indeed I have changed many thoughts, beliefs, there are other points that I am learning to forgive and to let it go.
So, with this facebook feature I saw what I was in that period of time and I sucked indeed. I reacted to the point he wanted to go out with many girls, specially married ones and I felted disgusted after several times of going to his house and being with him, to imagine him seeing them and being also with me. The chaos began when I realised I was getting used to him and I wanted to accept his way of living although I felted I was just another one.
Like I said I learned a lot, they were precious teachers but...I lost people,,,and its the worst part...loosing people for stupid emotions and feelings....I promised myself not to get to close to anyone else and I considered having like an open relationship but still the feeling of having just one person by my side is there....and its cool to have just one partner to experience all, to fly, to dance, to move and to accept each other beyond boundaries,
Maybe if I have an agreement with everyone, with all, I will prevent loosing people, and I will have them in my life for ever...but these its still ego and possession....I know they have to go someday. No matter if its soon or later.
Today those memories fill my head again and I feel so ashamed and so sad, he was not an ordinary guy and well, I think more fondly and maybe I feel this way cause I had intimacy with him and he was the first one...so, its normal...these happens with the first person you met in your life. So, this removes all specialness and again it just remains ME in the equation, it was ME being with ME, and it was cool....and I want to know more and see ME in other people. And I remember them with gratitude indeed, although I miss them and the intention to keep them in my life deteriorate everything ...but I learned and that´s what its important right ? :(
It´s like grabing a bird with the desire of keeping it in a cage knowing that this bird its and has to be free, and so you have to learn and enjoy its flight and to love them being free. That´s the way way, i guess, i want to love someone and to be loved in return.....
And this has assisted me to be better and to enjoy instead of rushing things, life its a great teacher and everything flows and everything comes in time to keep learning and standing up. And I don´t want ever to possess anyone and to change anyone. I am not afraid of being alone, cause I love me a lot, and people that come to my life or go of it are very welcome.
I keep learning, which is cool :D!
That´s all I want to learn and keep flying and living
So indeed past is an assistance to realise many things and to keep it as a point of reference....I don´t want to do the same mistakes again and I am keeping it simple with people that comes in my life every day. I indeed was abusive in a way to protect myself from his abusive manners but I reacted in a bad way - not practical. I will correct myself
I was watching videos on you-tube and of Jim Carrey , he is my favourite actor - and also he is an inspiration for me due to the thingd he have done to stand up and do amazing tihings with his life. In the last years he has been supporting new age movements and spreading messages about spiriualism and also information to change the world..etc.
I again watched his videos talking of purpose and inspiration and about the Law of Atraction, and visualization and I stumbled upon another one that list his 10 steps to success and again I had this motivation to start doing that....I did it in the past...believing all this information and wanting to achieve my dreams, but I started to be negative cause I didn´t see any changes in my life and also my mom struggled about money ( she still do ) and I felt very sad because I wanted to help her. So, I forget about that also due to not being very consistent and distracting myself with other things as I look them more important than sitting and writting and planning how to create my life....
and I have seen that when I really push myself to achieve something, I get it.
In the past, I used to ...kind of make my list of wishes, or write a letter with my dreams and then burn that page and spread the ashes in the wind with that intention of having it already and then erasing that from my mind and in a way life has given me those things...not exactly as I have written them but they come true.
I have read a lot of information and also I find people that shares me their experiences with this actions ...like if they were saying me in a way " Don´t forget and do it".
Yes, fear cross my path. Fears of not asking my wish in the correct form and making a big mistake and getting the opposite...and you have to be careful of what you wish, but I saw Jim carrey´s experiences and this moved me to continue changing myself and creating my life the way I want.
The other day I read this phrase that made an echo within myself, it said that life doesn´t have to change but us...so I have to stop thinking that life is going to change...I have to change....
Starting to merge in this arenas in my mind makes me start saying to myself things as:
"we are running out of time"
"I don´t even know what to ask"
"we should´ve done it when we were more younger or when we had more money or when..."
and then the "IF´S " starts and I start to feel sad and i loose forces within myself...but these has to end because I want to achieve my dreams...i have many and my talent is wasting.
So, what I have learned through the years is that you have to have the intention, and act like you already have the things you want...you have to feel the experience of having what you want, you have to see yourself in that experience/thing/person etc.
So the first thing I have to Stand as is as Consistency.
Within this decision of being consistent is realizing I am not longer a child....yes, I have been enjoying my life, observing, playing ( in a good way ) and mostly I had run of making a commitment cause I don´t want to stay in a place a lot of time due to wanting toexplore more and more and I think that while I am in just one single place in another one I can experience other stuff...dumb thoughts...lol...this doesn´t happens with people, cause I don´t get fed up of people and I love my friends and family...I am loyal and I will be loyal in a relationship/agreement If I have one for the first time...lol..how odd ...I feel like and alien when I see myself with any experiences in relation to having a partner...blah...but its ok, cause I want something real.... :)
So I will continue to change my mind programming and I will start being a creator, no fears anymore and I know the information...have the tools...i have been observing and I guess I can act now a little bit more....and I am decided to be open to new experiences, to more people that appears as life-teachers so I can create day by day my own heaven so I can create a heaven for others also!
So yes, dreams come true and stars listens to your wishes and then they go and whisper in the ears of the Universe and it conspires with all the laws in heaven and earth for you to have all what you want....all that can support life, of course!!! if not Universe won´t help you! Has to be good wishes and dreams
video of Jim Carrey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjeZUf1QG6Y
I keep searching and searching for another job option where I can get more money.
I am not comfortable with the money I am getting in my actual job, sometimes I run out of money at the end of my month and its surprising that sometimes I can´t have money also for my transportation to my job....it´s enough, I can´t stand this anymore.
So, I will keep searching and searching...I don´t know what I will end up doing, sometimes I feel very anxious in thinking and in seeing myself in one year and I get sad due to not having something stable. I want to have something for my own....have more stability in a job where I can be happy and having enough money to go out and do what I want and buy the things I want, help my mom, giving her money, taking her on vacations, buying her a new car, buying me a new car....
I have to work hard, and I really want to achieve goals by myself, not depending on anyone but myself.
In the meantime I am making excercise to keep myself in shape, but also in maintining myself busy and not participating in nasty thoughts and feelings.
At the same time I am thankful as I always say about what I have lived....it haven´t been a lot like what other people have lived but I liked the way my life has been...nowadays I have been struggling with money but I have done cool things, I have met awsome people, I am healthy, I am faithful in that I will have money ...lol!
Because money it´s important! And money cannot be a point of struggle for anyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful about the future due to not finding a cool job for me with more opprtunities to grow and to be stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that stability will come from outside myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing that stability requires to born inside myself to express it to the outside - to my reality - to my world.
I know anyone - a job, a person, a place, a situation, etc- won´t give me the stability I have to build for myself.
I am constantly wanting to search for more...to be more, and I get impatient when things don´t go the way I want and also I get bored very easily with things because I start imagining myself that maybe in other place I will be better...or then I want to have more experiences...
LOL I am restless, but at the same time I fall in comfort zones and thats the thing I have to stop.
For example in this job ....I don´t want it to turn it into a comfort zone and stopping myself from searching because I have this job, although I get a miserable salary, I have something and I have friends, and I have a rutine that is nice and I can from time to time buy cool things...
I don´t want that....
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry because I am not getting to any place in my life due to thoughts and feelings of not being good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe I am not getting to a place because I tend to compare myself with other people ( people are fighting to survive just as me so there´s nothing to feel sad or ashamed) within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowinmg myself to be ashamed of being 33 years and not having what I wanted when I was 20, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself, to continue being hard and scolding myself for not reaching to the image I have in my mind of what I would want to.
I see, realise and understand that I have to step by step continue building and reaching my goals cause everything I want I can achieve it.
I only have to make the decision and stop fears and insecurities.
Great. I am getting to nice point here.
Being ashamed. Insecurities and fears.
and the continuos point of being hard on myself.
I am hard on myself cause I know I can make great things, but I can´t like, reach the potential I want due to money and other priorities I have !!
and I have to make them quickly - I have to move fast!! Have to run due to the years/time I was just walking ....
I will continue with these points on the next posts.
In this days I have been planning in changing from the job I am. I am in a call-center, and I spot the eye on another one. I didn´t wanted to work in those places anymore, but it seems there is the only place where you can get a good payment if you know english and I want to improve more in that language and in having more skills for my business. I hope everythings flows in a good way cause I tend to stop from moving myself due to fears and most of all insecurities I still have.
Thinking in moving into another environment - which its the same as when I was in that call center where I knew this guy - makes me feel very nervous. It affected me a lot as I can see. But enough I will not feed those emotions again in me. I have talked to much and I have to move on. I learned a lot about relationships with these boys and now I know what I want and what I won´t accept anymore. Great teachers.
I am always fearful of new changes in my life. I use to stay in places where I can feel safe and where no-one or anything can make me feel anxious or threatened, and this job where I am in this moment its a place that in a way you can do whatever you want and you don´t see hard consequences, I don´t do a hard job - I just only call to sell loans and if the client doesn´t want it then I hang up - simple! it doesn´t demands a lot of work. At the beginning there I was receiving calls and it was frustrating sometimes because I was not controlling the flow of calls and when I moved in this campaign I felt very cool - also I start to earn more comissions, but the pay is still low - I need more.
I want to analyze what I will do cause I don´t want to desert from the other job and again stay without anything secure....so I am in the decision of leaving my comfort zone to a zone where I know I will have to put more attention and work harder..or at least I believe that.
And there is where I see more opportunities to pay the bills I have to pay, buy me more things, fixing my car so I can do more things on my own, completing my goals of enjoying my life to the fullest and prepare my way to make my business and do what I always wanted. Be my own boss!
I first began to feel fearful, starting again...but I stop myself in that cause I am not in my 20´s anymore, I have to be more mature in some points withing my life and start building "something" for my future. And anybody it´s going to do it for me and I always wanted to do things for and by my own.
I know I will have it and I said in my previous posts I have to stop doing things that separates me from reaching my goals.
The first thing I did was to not going out with my friends anymore - no alcohol in these days. I didn´t bought anything based in desires but in things that I need to assist myself.
I have to also to be the one I was - I used to read and investigate more than distracting with other stuff .... Stop...I won´t feed my past, I am here. So...my next step is to get in shape in many ways...physycal and mental ...
When I was a child I just reached my hand I get anything - my mom worked very hard and gave me all I wanted...well, not all but she wanted me to be happy - but then our economy began to have problems and I was not at the same level as I were - and I have learned to not take things for granted and to save money. Its horrible when you don´t have anything to eat sometimes, but everything goes right at the end.
Experiences helps a lot , so this experiences has helped me to take care more of what I do and also to place in the shoes of other people and I don´t want anyone to struggle as I do...of course they are people with worse lifes and they really don´t have anything in her hands to produce money and I do have many talents to explore and explode to create money. I just want direction and guidance to not distract myself anymore.
I will do it, I know :D!
Cause I want it and life will bring me the tools as it always do. I just place myself open to receive and all of that comes to me.
Like having another life-teacher for me, to have fun and to do learn more things, live more experiences... :D LOL! ok...that will come too...First the first step...then the others will come
I am having that thought running trhough my head these days.... " I am running out of time? " .... I am constantly being hard on myself in this...cause I am 33 and I haven´t done anything with my life...wait...a voice says "Haven´t you done anything?", well, I haven´t as others in for example having my own place or having the things I wanted to have when I daydreamed at my 20´s ....but, I am independent, I have money to go out and do things with my friends, buy nice things...but...it´s not enough.
Sometimes I feel old...I feel like yes, I am running out of time. I want to do so many things now and for some things it´s late...ummm ...
I have to admit it I am not longer 2o ...I see my co-workers...the mayority are younger than me..they are in their 20´s /25´s and I really would want to be on that age too, living on their time...I don´t like also when friends tell me I am old and that I have to do what the people at my age do....that makes me feel sad sometimes....but that "common sense voice" inside me is more stronger and I don´t give a shit....I will do things, but the things I want no the programmed life styles everyone has....
I feel I am living now the experiences I had to live in that age...like doing stupid things, not worrying a lot abut future...having more experiences in relationship stuff...but...then I realise and I didn´t wanted in that age to behave as a normal people...I wanted to investigate further within myself to not follow predictabilities....lol..I guess I am passing the 30´s crisis or something like that...I am accessing other mind patterns...those that make you feel old...the ones that makes you want to settle down and find someone to make a family...turn around to see babies and make them faces and desiring to have one of those...LOL!! No! ... hahaha I want a family yes,..but...I don´t want to follow the same rules....I wanna do it different...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel I am running out of time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am old and my time here on earth is going away so I feel afraid cause I haven´t placed a print in this world to be someone...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am no-one - I am a being that is here...living and making each day count and time is an illusion.
I realise, see and understand that time is an illusion, it´s in my mind....
Indeed a day goes very quickly and when you realise it´s over and you may realise you didn´t do the things you had to do....
So...here...writting this I have to make a decision of not distracting myself in doing things that separates me from my goals...
What are separating me from my goals?? -- Easy, first of all, I spend a lot of money going out with my friends...buying stupid things...( well. maybe not very stupid...I want them ) but I would´ve save that money to invest it on my business.
Also I can "invest" more of my time investigating stuff I can make to grow in that goals I have.
What are my goals? My business ( being my own boss ) and getting a better body.
So...I have to do it....
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel old and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself based on a number.
I realise, see and understand that I am young, my body is healthy, I have the correct tools for me here, I have the things I need to have more.
So. Time is not running out!! I am in the exact point, place to do things...all I have to do is making the decision to make them, not matter time...stopping the worries about time...Enjoying time cause time gives you experiences and lessons to make you stronger !!!
I am resisting a lot to start again writting and doing process
Why? well, because I don´t want to be in control about me...take responsability ... update myself to Desteni process and read blogs, watch vlogs //boring //
I connect these with not being fun at all, not enjoying life when I am responsible and honest and when I consider to do the "best" for me.
These years I haven´t been taking care of me in relation of not feeding systems in me and in others has been in my perspective "fun" - cause I have felt "part of society"; something that I never felted before due to being shy and thinking instead of acting.
I met a guy which just wanted to avoid compromises, I get laid, I party a lot, I started smoking cigarrettes and marihuana, I wanted to find a "one night stand", I put myself in danger many times, and just for being part of something...wanted to know how it was to be ordinary...as the ones I used to protect myself from due to the principles my family gave me....
It was not so bad at all because I found myself, I face my true nature in so many ways, I walk through many fears, feelings, thoughts. I learned a lot from those experiences, I miss others,...I am thankful..But, I am not like that..it´s not me at all.
In a relationship I want compromise - friends, partners, family etc, - I don´t want to loose people due to stupidity created by feelings and emotions - which is something this guy helped me to realis, I want responsability to take care of myself and not place myself in danger and I don´t want to loose myself withing the shit everybody are accepting and allowing
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect being a fun and interesting person If I party a lot, if I smoke a lot, if I follow the masses - I realise, see and understand that is the image the system wants you to buy/believe so you cannot stand and change and make important changes to stop what we are accepting and allowing within us and within others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being as other people make me part of something and if I don´t feed those systems i am and outcast or something - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel weird for being who I am, I forgive myself for not accepting myself as who I am and instead comparing me with others.
I realise, see and understand the separation I am allowing in myself, the abuse I am creating within me so outside of me.
I found a job also, where I have found awsome people, people that has less age than me and that reminds me what I forget and I surprise every day to see that is like life saying to me to again stand and to forget and forgive the past.
The point I haven´t forget is the belief of loosing people - that is something I don´t grasp at all cause I don´t want to be far of people that was part of my life at some point. But I know that is part of life, people appear as teachers and when the lesson is understood they leave, and I don´t want to be as others that stay angry with those people, I want to be thankful of knowing them although they are not here.
So my job ---although it´s not a good company I am assisting with the money and the new things I learning. I will search for another one when the times come. And I want to start making a business of my own....so I can be my own boss and enjoy myself and my life more.
And I realise the tools I have to improve in me is constancy...a lot of that lol...then responsability and hard work...among of other things I will stand for! : )
Ok,
I´ll leave it here.
Time to bed.
LOL . I don´t know where to start it has been a long time since I wrote....
Many things has ocurred during this time.
I have resisted a lot to do my process, to write, to be here.
I wanted to make a pharentesis. Take a long breath and stop thinking and analizing everything and I wanted to make things by myself.
I have a job, and I am litte bit stable with my economy but, I have a lot of things to take responsability for.
I have enjoyed a lot my relationships with others. I have met a lot of people in this job and I enjoy their presence in my life. I have learned a lot from them.
I am doing a little paragraph to start again pushing myself to write and to be on process again.
:) Hello to Everyone again
