I am resisting a lot to start again writting and doing process
Why? well, because I don´t want to be in control about me...take responsability ... update myself to Desteni process and read blogs, watch vlogs //boring //
I connect these with not being fun at all, not enjoying life when I am responsible and honest and when I consider to do the "best" for me.
These years I haven´t been taking care of me in relation of not feeding systems in me and in others has been in my perspective "fun" - cause I have felt "part of society"; something that I never felted before due to being shy and thinking instead of acting.
I met a guy which just wanted to avoid compromises, I get laid, I party a lot, I started smoking cigarrettes and marihuana, I wanted to find a "one night stand", I put myself in danger many times, and just for being part of something...wanted to know how it was to be ordinary...as the ones I used to protect myself from due to the principles my family gave me....
It was not so bad at all because I found myself, I face my true nature in so many ways, I walk through many fears, feelings, thoughts. I learned a lot from those experiences, I miss others,...I am thankful..But, I am not like that..it´s not me at all.
In a relationship I want compromise - friends, partners, family etc, - I don´t want to loose people due to stupidity created by feelings and emotions - which is something this guy helped me to realis, I want responsability to take care of myself and not place myself in danger and I don´t want to loose myself withing the shit everybody are accepting and allowing
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect being a fun and interesting person If I party a lot, if I smoke a lot, if I follow the masses - I realise, see and understand that is the image the system wants you to buy/believe so you cannot stand and change and make important changes to stop what we are accepting and allowing within us and within others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being as other people make me part of something and if I don´t feed those systems i am and outcast or something - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel weird for being who I am, I forgive myself for not accepting myself as who I am and instead comparing me with others.
I realise, see and understand the separation I am allowing in myself, the abuse I am creating within me so outside of me.
I found a job also, where I have found awsome people, people that has less age than me and that reminds me what I forget and I surprise every day to see that is like life saying to me to again stand and to forget and forgive the past.
The point I haven´t forget is the belief of loosing people - that is something I don´t grasp at all cause I don´t want to be far of people that was part of my life at some point. But I know that is part of life, people appear as teachers and when the lesson is understood they leave, and I don´t want to be as others that stay angry with those people, I want to be thankful of knowing them although they are not here.
So my job ---although it´s not a good company I am assisting with the money and the new things I learning. I will search for another one when the times come. And I want to start making a business of my own....so I can be my own boss and enjoy myself and my life more.
And I realise the tools I have to improve in me is constancy...a lot of that lol...then responsability and hard work...among of other things I will stand for! : )
Ok,
I´ll leave it here.
Time to bed.
LOL . I don´t know where to start it has been a long time since I wrote....
Many things has ocurred during this time.
I have resisted a lot to do my process, to write, to be here.
I wanted to make a pharentesis. Take a long breath and stop thinking and analizing everything and I wanted to make things by myself.
I have a job, and I am litte bit stable with my economy but, I have a lot of things to take responsability for.
I have enjoyed a lot my relationships with others. I have met a lot of people in this job and I enjoy their presence in my life. I have learned a lot from them.
I am doing a little paragraph to start again pushing myself to write and to be on process again.
:) Hello to Everyone again
I have been stable within my relation with this friend. We still comunicate each other and I have stopped some of the reactions and behaviours I had in these days where I participated in anxiousness if I didn´t had contact with him through the day.
I also have to control myself--I mean, be stable cause I don´t want to participate in energy and to be involved that behaviours again - feeling anxious and those sort of things, Like I said I am enjoying this "thing" - lol - I call it like that cause is something that is not defined by me. I like that and at the same time I get confused.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get confused by the relation/comunication I have with U. due to base it in expectations and in examples of other relationships I have seen in movies, with friends/family etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to have a more close relationship with him that of course can be based in energy cause I want to experiment those emotions and feelings -within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good by the energy rush I feel when he writes me the things I wanna hear and the things I like to read and so I can imagine myself completing those dreams/desires/wants I expect to have if I have a relationship. I realise, see and understand this is based in energy and is not based in self-honesty and in a way to support myself.
The part that I don´t like - like I said - is the part the he doesn´t invites me to go out, but I can observe that it´s also based in my definitions.
In deed I am enjoying and assisting myself with this experience - in knowing myself in my reactions and how I participate with him and that´s why I don´t want to rush anything.
So, well, I am stable in this part of my life - lol.
I don´t wanna be involved in energetic experiences.
Like the title of my blog participate in a relation and turn myself in a sheep and feed the systems in myself.
I want to build and agreement with someone like I have been doing it with myself within this process.
In other things - well, I am still without a job, I feel anxious for that due to money. I need to support my house and family ( mom, dogs and cats ) and also I wanna do things I stopped and I have never done due to fears and due to that limiting myself and justificate the fear I have to live my life and stand up and experience things with the decisions I made - of assisting and supporting this journey, my process, being in some way an activist - because yes, I realise that I have been denying things to myself due to fears and I create justifications.
So I am going to investigate more and more and stand within those limitations and fears and so express myself and live the things I have denied - of course with self-responsability and self-honesty!
Thanks for reading!
First of all thanks Leila for the comment you left and to all that have left comments in my last blogs, I really appreciate them.
It was cool to read Leila´s comment. So I am going to write about it and continue investigating what this relationship is assisting me in my life in this moments
First of all, I have to stop participating in expecting more about this relationship. That´s what I do in several ocassions and I have observed is a behaviour that is creating abuse within me.
I have this friend relationship via Facebook and via Whatsapp and calls - we have been talking a lot and sharing things about us.
I enjoy his company a lot through the media. I have only seen him once and I like him.
I admire the way he has lived his life; he is independant and works on his own. He has his own house and lives alone. I admire him because he is the way I like boys to be.
This is something I want to have for me. Live in my own house, being independant, decide what to do in my free time. Not having "responsabilities" - I mean within this days I have been participating in anxiety by having cats and dogs to take care of and also having to "considerate" my mom to move and do what I want - specially not having my own money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can´t have and acomplish the way of living I have - I compromise myself to work for having my own independence and "freedom" for me to do and experience the things I haven´t been experiencing due to fears and waiting for opportunities instead of creating them and looking for them.
When and as I myself participating in fears and in thoughts in relation to get the life I want - I stop and I move myself to work for it instead of limiting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on him and on others to experience myself good instead of me being my own point of stability.
When I talk to him, I feel cool, cause I enjoy the way he seems to care for me. Asking me how my day was. And the way he says he likes me.
Also I like it cause I think he can be a person with whom I can have an agreement/relationship. I see him as a cool partner for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy when U. writes me and talks to me cause I feel important to someone due to not having someone acting like this way to me - calling, writting - so when he doesn´t writes to me I participate in sadness - I realise that I like the way he makes me feel and I want also to have his personality around me due to observing the is completing the image I have in my head of a possible couple.
I realise, see and understand the separation and the dishonesty within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and get along with people due to the way they make me feel, and so depending on him and on others to feel like that, to not feel alone and to feel someone cares for me.
I realise, see and understand the separation I accept within myself and I realise the way I don´t accept myself and love myself in fact - cause I expect and want someone else to give me what I have to create for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the attention of others to feel important and to feel I am important and that´s why I feel sad when U doesn´t writes me and yes, I realise, see and understand I want to hang on to that feelings and emotions and so, that´s the reason I like his company - but it´s not honest in fact.
Is because I like the "romantic" feelings he provoque within and as myself - but is created by me.
I commit myself to stop participating in emotions and feelings when he comunicates with me
I commit myself to realise, see and understand that I am my point of support and I have to learn to accept and love myself unconditionally.
I commit myself to enjoy myself alone.
The other point here is that I enjoy also the way he is cause he has assisted me to see points within and as myself - as for example; Patience and not making assumptions, and not forcing things. He hasn´t invited me to go out a second time and I have been very anxious about it; but is ok with me in some point cause I am enjoying this relation and also I don´t want to force things as I have done before with other boys due to this desire to have a boyfriend.
But, we have been talking about me going to his home and staying there for a weekend and I am afraid and at the same time I want to - I am afraid due to not wanting to be just a game for him, and again feeling sad if something doesn´t go they way I want.
But I want to cause I want to experience this experience and enjoy myself within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears of living and that´s why I limit myself to experience the things I would like to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a "perfect" relationship like in the movies, and to found my life-partner/agreement for life but I don´t want to walk through the experience of experiencing again myheart broken as always.
I commit myself to continue investigating myself in this relationship and to work throug my limitations to express myself without fears.
I´ll continue in another post
Thank you :D!
Today and these months I have been acting weird...and not being Honest with myself and others.
I did something today that make me realise that I am still abusive and I am very sad and observing how I am acting and how I was acting and I am very dissapointed of myself.
I don´t understand this mess within myself. I am hurting people with my attitude, but mostly myself and I am very angry.
I feel I don´t know anymore between good and bad and I say words that are not aligned with myself anymore.
Within this days I have been also dependant; very dependant of others, but mostly of a friend in Facebook. He writes me regularly and I have been feeling things for him and when he stops writting 2 or 3 days I feel sad, worried and stressed. I am really surprised by acting this way - is an attitude I criticized in others; many in fact that I am participating within these days and I am scared.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself to feel sad, worried and anxious when U. doesn´t write me regularly or when he doesn´t answer my messages, or if he doesn´t tell me the things I wanna hear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself some kind of enslavement within myself for placing my calmness in other people. Within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others expecting things I want based in control and in a compulsion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying something wrong to my friends and so loosing them, I participate in imaginating U. and other people not talking to me for my attitude these days and if I say something feeling that he or them will leave me alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that they will never write/communicate back when they don´t answer me in facebook or in my cellphone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and feel anyone likes me and that all laughs at me due to the way I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depressed due to what I expected in the relationship with M. - I realised I messed up with myself due to my desires and wants/due to my desire of having a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not directing myself to stop this memories and abuse and basing other relations in this experience.
I commit myself to direct and support myself to stop this abuse and to move on.
When and as I see myself participating in sadness, in lonelyness I stop and I breathe, I direct myself to walk out ot this abuse and taking responsability of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at other people by the things they do and write on their facebook and what they do in their lives
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my sarcasm to laugh at other people; I realise is a way to protect myself to avoid people hurting me.
I forgve myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by other people, and so that´s why in a way I act before they hurt and I hurt instead
But I have realised the abuse I make unto others and myself and I compromise myself to stop acting like this bullying character and to stand up as honesty and as transparency.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the bully character where I laugh at others and place me as better than all the people around me, pretending to be full of knowledge and information - Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my knowledge and information to place people as less than me and me as more than others due to past experiencies where that kind of things was done unto me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in exposing people to laugh at them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than others and to laugh at them as a way of feeling protected and avoid being left out and hurt as the way I was left out and hurt in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am still want to be accepted and to be liked by others instead of accepting me first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in explosive energetic reactions when something is not the way I want or when a person doesn´t react the way I want to instead of breathing and instead of directing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsability and to step out of my process by the belief that I am not worth it or that this process is not for me and that I am not capable of doing it,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowwed myself to participate in wants and desires for being liked by another and to have a relationship and so I want to call the attention of others upon me - I realise I am participating in an inmature character and I am being abusive, dishonest with me and others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fears of being alone and left out so I act obsessively upon others forcing them to stay near me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these characters and to realise I am participating within them and not taking actions - taking direction and directing myself - Stopping and Breathing through this patterns, behaviours and actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone due to these behaviours.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and not grounded within myself to take responsability where I feel lost and not having a guide to follow.
I realise, accept and observe the abusive ways I have been accepting within myself, the consequences I am creating in me and others.
When and as I see myself participating in the desire of being sarcastic, and to laugh at other people - I stop, I breathe, I direct myself and I take responsability for myself.
I compromise myself to Breathe and direct myself and to be again the directive principle within my life and to stop my mind and energetic outbursts within myself to stand as self-honesty and take responsability for myself
Please also add me to this facebook account https://www.facebook.com/jessieariasu?fref=ts
Due to this mess I have been openning and closing it/blocking it. I´ll have the 2 of them to walk my process and share info
Thanks :-)
I found someone that is going to be there for me Always,
I found someone that is not going to play with me ,
someone that is here; accountable, visible, honest and complete
I found someone I can count on
I found someone that is walking the same journey as me
I found someone that is here no matter what,
someone that is my support, my assistance, my anchor, my company
I found someone that is walking the same process as me
That someone is ME!
I am stopping the desires of having a relationship of distracting myself in those desires and wants.
I know that maybe someday I am going to make an agreement with another person but again I realise that with the first one I am going to make this agreement first is with me.
Also there are a lot of people with whom I can make an agreement - friends, family, group members - the agreement of Being here as this process to assist and support me and others and the entire world to make a change.
These situations I have lived has assisted me to realise how much I have been distracting myself waiting for that "special need" and yes, I really want someone with whom I can assist myself in that way but I´ll also work on that point - I´ll not sit and wait for the world to put me in my way someone as that, I´ll work for that ..lol..
But today, I realised again that I have an agreement with me and I have been distracting and waiting and desiring and dreaming with something with who I can feel and participate in the same systems etc.
So yes, I found someone
I find ME :D!
Ok, here I am again to report what I have been walking within these days.
I haven´t been writing but I have been reading Desteni material and watching videos and reading the forums to again align myself to this path.
I have to stop the pattern within me of looking this process as something separate from me because I have realised is something mine. Is a decision I have taken since I met Desteni and I am not going to stop this.
Yes, I´ll be again taking baby steps. Slowly due to starting things with the energy of enthusiasm and then - due to this - not completing things.
I have to again Stand.
Well, this is a short blog but I´ll share more later.
