In this days I have been planning in changing from the job I am. I am in a call-center, and I spot the eye on another one. I didn´t wanted to work in those places anymore, but it seems there is the only place where you can get a good payment if you know english and I want to improve more in that language and in having more skills for my business. I hope everythings flows in a good way cause I tend to stop from moving myself due to fears and most of all insecurities I still have.
Thinking in moving into another environment - which its the same as when I was in that call center where I knew this guy - makes me feel very nervous. It affected me a lot as I can see. But enough I will not feed those emotions again in me. I have talked to much and I have to move on. I learned a lot about relationships with these boys and now I know what I want and what I won´t accept anymore. Great teachers.
I am always fearful of new changes in my life. I use to stay in places where I can feel safe and where no-one or anything can make me feel anxious or threatened, and this job where I am in this moment its a place that in a way you can do whatever you want and you don´t see hard consequences, I don´t do a hard job - I just only call to sell loans and if the client doesn´t want it then I hang up - simple! it doesn´t demands a lot of work. At the beginning there I was receiving calls and it was frustrating sometimes because I was not controlling the flow of calls and when I moved in this campaign I felt very cool - also I start to earn more comissions, but the pay is still low - I need more.
I want to analyze what I will do cause I don´t want to desert from the other job and again stay without anything secure....so I am in the decision of leaving my comfort zone to a zone where I know I will have to put more attention and work harder..or at least I believe that.
And there is where I see more opportunities to pay the bills I have to pay, buy me more things, fixing my car so I can do more things on my own, completing my goals of enjoying my life to the fullest and prepare my way to make my business and do what I always wanted. Be my own boss!
I first began to feel fearful, starting again...but I stop myself in that cause I am not in my 20´s anymore, I have to be more mature in some points withing my life and start building "something" for my future. And anybody it´s going to do it for me and I always wanted to do things for and by my own.
I know I will have it and I said in my previous posts I have to stop doing things that separates me from reaching my goals.
The first thing I did was to not going out with my friends anymore - no alcohol in these days. I didn´t bought anything based in desires but in things that I need to assist myself.
I have to also to be the one I was - I used to read and investigate more than distracting with other stuff .... Stop...I won´t feed my past, I am here. So...my next step is to get in shape in many ways...physycal and mental ...
When I was a child I just reached my hand I get anything - my mom worked very hard and gave me all I wanted...well, not all but she wanted me to be happy - but then our economy began to have problems and I was not at the same level as I were - and I have learned to not take things for granted and to save money. Its horrible when you don´t have anything to eat sometimes, but everything goes right at the end.
Experiences helps a lot , so this experiences has helped me to take care more of what I do and also to place in the shoes of other people and I don´t want anyone to struggle as I do...of course they are people with worse lifes and they really don´t have anything in her hands to produce money and I do have many talents to explore and explode to create money. I just want direction and guidance to not distract myself anymore.
I will do it, I know :D!
Cause I want it and life will bring me the tools as it always do. I just place myself open to receive and all of that comes to me.
Like having another life-teacher for me, to have fun and to do learn more things, live more experiences... :D LOL! ok...that will come too...First the first step...then the others will come
I am having that thought running trhough my head these days.... " I am running out of time? " .... I am constantly being hard on myself in this...cause I am 33 and I haven´t done anything with my life...wait...a voice says "Haven´t you done anything?", well, I haven´t as others in for example having my own place or having the things I wanted to have when I daydreamed at my 20´s ....but, I am independent, I have money to go out and do things with my friends, buy nice things...but...it´s not enough.
Sometimes I feel old...I feel like yes, I am running out of time. I want to do so many things now and for some things it´s late...ummm ...
I have to admit it I am not longer 2o ...I see my co-workers...the mayority are younger than me..they are in their 20´s /25´s and I really would want to be on that age too, living on their time...I don´t like also when friends tell me I am old and that I have to do what the people at my age do....that makes me feel sad sometimes....but that "common sense voice" inside me is more stronger and I don´t give a shit....I will do things, but the things I want no the programmed life styles everyone has....
I feel I am living now the experiences I had to live in that age...like doing stupid things, not worrying a lot abut future...having more experiences in relationship stuff...but...then I realise and I didn´t wanted in that age to behave as a normal people...I wanted to investigate further within myself to not follow predictabilities....lol..I guess I am passing the 30´s crisis or something like that...I am accessing other mind patterns...those that make you feel old...the ones that makes you want to settle down and find someone to make a family...turn around to see babies and make them faces and desiring to have one of those...LOL!! No! ... hahaha I want a family yes,..but...I don´t want to follow the same rules....I wanna do it different...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel I am running out of time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am old and my time here on earth is going away so I feel afraid cause I haven´t placed a print in this world to be someone...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am no-one - I am a being that is here...living and making each day count and time is an illusion.
I realise, see and understand that time is an illusion, it´s in my mind....
Indeed a day goes very quickly and when you realise it´s over and you may realise you didn´t do the things you had to do....
So...here...writting this I have to make a decision of not distracting myself in doing things that separates me from my goals...
What are separating me from my goals?? -- Easy, first of all, I spend a lot of money going out with my friends...buying stupid things...( well. maybe not very stupid...I want them ) but I would´ve save that money to invest it on my business.
Also I can "invest" more of my time investigating stuff I can make to grow in that goals I have.
What are my goals? My business ( being my own boss ) and getting a better body.
So...I have to do it....
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel old and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself based on a number.
I realise, see and understand that I am young, my body is healthy, I have the correct tools for me here, I have the things I need to have more.
So. Time is not running out!! I am in the exact point, place to do things...all I have to do is making the decision to make them, not matter time...stopping the worries about time...Enjoying time cause time gives you experiences and lessons to make you stronger !!!
I am resisting a lot to start again writting and doing process
Why? well, because I don´t want to be in control about me...take responsability ... update myself to Desteni process and read blogs, watch vlogs //boring //
I connect these with not being fun at all, not enjoying life when I am responsible and honest and when I consider to do the "best" for me.
These years I haven´t been taking care of me in relation of not feeding systems in me and in others has been in my perspective "fun" - cause I have felt "part of society"; something that I never felted before due to being shy and thinking instead of acting.
I met a guy which just wanted to avoid compromises, I get laid, I party a lot, I started smoking cigarrettes and marihuana, I wanted to find a "one night stand", I put myself in danger many times, and just for being part of something...wanted to know how it was to be ordinary...as the ones I used to protect myself from due to the principles my family gave me....
It was not so bad at all because I found myself, I face my true nature in so many ways, I walk through many fears, feelings, thoughts. I learned a lot from those experiences, I miss others,...I am thankful..But, I am not like that..it´s not me at all.
In a relationship I want compromise - friends, partners, family etc, - I don´t want to loose people due to stupidity created by feelings and emotions - which is something this guy helped me to realis, I want responsability to take care of myself and not place myself in danger and I don´t want to loose myself withing the shit everybody are accepting and allowing
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect being a fun and interesting person If I party a lot, if I smoke a lot, if I follow the masses - I realise, see and understand that is the image the system wants you to buy/believe so you cannot stand and change and make important changes to stop what we are accepting and allowing within us and within others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being as other people make me part of something and if I don´t feed those systems i am and outcast or something - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel weird for being who I am, I forgive myself for not accepting myself as who I am and instead comparing me with others.
I realise, see and understand the separation I am allowing in myself, the abuse I am creating within me so outside of me.
I found a job also, where I have found awsome people, people that has less age than me and that reminds me what I forget and I surprise every day to see that is like life saying to me to again stand and to forget and forgive the past.
The point I haven´t forget is the belief of loosing people - that is something I don´t grasp at all cause I don´t want to be far of people that was part of my life at some point. But I know that is part of life, people appear as teachers and when the lesson is understood they leave, and I don´t want to be as others that stay angry with those people, I want to be thankful of knowing them although they are not here.
So my job ---although it´s not a good company I am assisting with the money and the new things I learning. I will search for another one when the times come. And I want to start making a business of my own....so I can be my own boss and enjoy myself and my life more.
And I realise the tools I have to improve in me is constancy...a lot of that lol...then responsability and hard work...among of other things I will stand for! : )
Ok,
I´ll leave it here.
Time to bed.
LOL . I don´t know where to start it has been a long time since I wrote....
Many things has ocurred during this time.
I have resisted a lot to do my process, to write, to be here.
I wanted to make a pharentesis. Take a long breath and stop thinking and analizing everything and I wanted to make things by myself.
I have a job, and I am litte bit stable with my economy but, I have a lot of things to take responsability for.
I have enjoyed a lot my relationships with others. I have met a lot of people in this job and I enjoy their presence in my life. I have learned a lot from them.
I am doing a little paragraph to start again pushing myself to write and to be on process again.
:) Hello to Everyone again
I have been stable within my relation with this friend. We still comunicate each other and I have stopped some of the reactions and behaviours I had in these days where I participated in anxiousness if I didn´t had contact with him through the day.
I also have to control myself--I mean, be stable cause I don´t want to participate in energy and to be involved that behaviours again - feeling anxious and those sort of things, Like I said I am enjoying this "thing" - lol - I call it like that cause is something that is not defined by me. I like that and at the same time I get confused.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get confused by the relation/comunication I have with U. due to base it in expectations and in examples of other relationships I have seen in movies, with friends/family etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to have a more close relationship with him that of course can be based in energy cause I want to experiment those emotions and feelings -within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good by the energy rush I feel when he writes me the things I wanna hear and the things I like to read and so I can imagine myself completing those dreams/desires/wants I expect to have if I have a relationship. I realise, see and understand this is based in energy and is not based in self-honesty and in a way to support myself.
The part that I don´t like - like I said - is the part the he doesn´t invites me to go out, but I can observe that it´s also based in my definitions.
In deed I am enjoying and assisting myself with this experience - in knowing myself in my reactions and how I participate with him and that´s why I don´t want to rush anything.
So, well, I am stable in this part of my life - lol.
I don´t wanna be involved in energetic experiences.
Like the title of my blog participate in a relation and turn myself in a sheep and feed the systems in myself.
I want to build and agreement with someone like I have been doing it with myself within this process.
In other things - well, I am still without a job, I feel anxious for that due to money. I need to support my house and family ( mom, dogs and cats ) and also I wanna do things I stopped and I have never done due to fears and due to that limiting myself and justificate the fear I have to live my life and stand up and experience things with the decisions I made - of assisting and supporting this journey, my process, being in some way an activist - because yes, I realise that I have been denying things to myself due to fears and I create justifications.
So I am going to investigate more and more and stand within those limitations and fears and so express myself and live the things I have denied - of course with self-responsability and self-honesty!
Thanks for reading!
First of all thanks Leila for the comment you left and to all that have left comments in my last blogs, I really appreciate them.
It was cool to read Leila´s comment. So I am going to write about it and continue investigating what this relationship is assisting me in my life in this moments
First of all, I have to stop participating in expecting more about this relationship. That´s what I do in several ocassions and I have observed is a behaviour that is creating abuse within me.
I have this friend relationship via Facebook and via Whatsapp and calls - we have been talking a lot and sharing things about us.
I enjoy his company a lot through the media. I have only seen him once and I like him.
I admire the way he has lived his life; he is independant and works on his own. He has his own house and lives alone. I admire him because he is the way I like boys to be.
This is something I want to have for me. Live in my own house, being independant, decide what to do in my free time. Not having "responsabilities" - I mean within this days I have been participating in anxiety by having cats and dogs to take care of and also having to "considerate" my mom to move and do what I want - specially not having my own money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can´t have and acomplish the way of living I have - I compromise myself to work for having my own independence and "freedom" for me to do and experience the things I haven´t been experiencing due to fears and waiting for opportunities instead of creating them and looking for them.
When and as I myself participating in fears and in thoughts in relation to get the life I want - I stop and I move myself to work for it instead of limiting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on him and on others to experience myself good instead of me being my own point of stability.
When I talk to him, I feel cool, cause I enjoy the way he seems to care for me. Asking me how my day was. And the way he says he likes me.
Also I like it cause I think he can be a person with whom I can have an agreement/relationship. I see him as a cool partner for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy when U. writes me and talks to me cause I feel important to someone due to not having someone acting like this way to me - calling, writting - so when he doesn´t writes to me I participate in sadness - I realise that I like the way he makes me feel and I want also to have his personality around me due to observing the is completing the image I have in my head of a possible couple.
I realise, see and understand the separation and the dishonesty within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and get along with people due to the way they make me feel, and so depending on him and on others to feel like that, to not feel alone and to feel someone cares for me.
I realise, see and understand the separation I accept within myself and I realise the way I don´t accept myself and love myself in fact - cause I expect and want someone else to give me what I have to create for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the attention of others to feel important and to feel I am important and that´s why I feel sad when U doesn´t writes me and yes, I realise, see and understand I want to hang on to that feelings and emotions and so, that´s the reason I like his company - but it´s not honest in fact.
Is because I like the "romantic" feelings he provoque within and as myself - but is created by me.
I commit myself to stop participating in emotions and feelings when he comunicates with me
I commit myself to realise, see and understand that I am my point of support and I have to learn to accept and love myself unconditionally.
I commit myself to enjoy myself alone.
The other point here is that I enjoy also the way he is cause he has assisted me to see points within and as myself - as for example; Patience and not making assumptions, and not forcing things. He hasn´t invited me to go out a second time and I have been very anxious about it; but is ok with me in some point cause I am enjoying this relation and also I don´t want to force things as I have done before with other boys due to this desire to have a boyfriend.
But, we have been talking about me going to his home and staying there for a weekend and I am afraid and at the same time I want to - I am afraid due to not wanting to be just a game for him, and again feeling sad if something doesn´t go they way I want.
But I want to cause I want to experience this experience and enjoy myself within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears of living and that´s why I limit myself to experience the things I would like to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a "perfect" relationship like in the movies, and to found my life-partner/agreement for life but I don´t want to walk through the experience of experiencing again myheart broken as always.
I commit myself to continue investigating myself in this relationship and to work throug my limitations to express myself without fears.
I´ll continue in another post
Thank you :D!
Today and these months I have been acting weird...and not being Honest with myself and others.
I did something today that make me realise that I am still abusive and I am very sad and observing how I am acting and how I was acting and I am very dissapointed of myself.
I don´t understand this mess within myself. I am hurting people with my attitude, but mostly myself and I am very angry.
I feel I don´t know anymore between good and bad and I say words that are not aligned with myself anymore.
Within this days I have been also dependant; very dependant of others, but mostly of a friend in Facebook. He writes me regularly and I have been feeling things for him and when he stops writting 2 or 3 days I feel sad, worried and stressed. I am really surprised by acting this way - is an attitude I criticized in others; many in fact that I am participating within these days and I am scared.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself to feel sad, worried and anxious when U. doesn´t write me regularly or when he doesn´t answer my messages, or if he doesn´t tell me the things I wanna hear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself some kind of enslavement within myself for placing my calmness in other people. Within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others expecting things I want based in control and in a compulsion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying something wrong to my friends and so loosing them, I participate in imaginating U. and other people not talking to me for my attitude these days and if I say something feeling that he or them will leave me alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that they will never write/communicate back when they don´t answer me in facebook or in my cellphone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and feel anyone likes me and that all laughs at me due to the way I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depressed due to what I expected in the relationship with M. - I realised I messed up with myself due to my desires and wants/due to my desire of having a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not directing myself to stop this memories and abuse and basing other relations in this experience.
I commit myself to direct and support myself to stop this abuse and to move on.
When and as I see myself participating in sadness, in lonelyness I stop and I breathe, I direct myself to walk out ot this abuse and taking responsability of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at other people by the things they do and write on their facebook and what they do in their lives
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my sarcasm to laugh at other people; I realise is a way to protect myself to avoid people hurting me.
I forgve myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by other people, and so that´s why in a way I act before they hurt and I hurt instead
But I have realised the abuse I make unto others and myself and I compromise myself to stop acting like this bullying character and to stand up as honesty and as transparency.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the bully character where I laugh at others and place me as better than all the people around me, pretending to be full of knowledge and information - Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my knowledge and information to place people as less than me and me as more than others due to past experiencies where that kind of things was done unto me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in exposing people to laugh at them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than others and to laugh at them as a way of feeling protected and avoid being left out and hurt as the way I was left out and hurt in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am still want to be accepted and to be liked by others instead of accepting me first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in explosive energetic reactions when something is not the way I want or when a person doesn´t react the way I want to instead of breathing and instead of directing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsability and to step out of my process by the belief that I am not worth it or that this process is not for me and that I am not capable of doing it,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowwed myself to participate in wants and desires for being liked by another and to have a relationship and so I want to call the attention of others upon me - I realise I am participating in an inmature character and I am being abusive, dishonest with me and others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fears of being alone and left out so I act obsessively upon others forcing them to stay near me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these characters and to realise I am participating within them and not taking actions - taking direction and directing myself - Stopping and Breathing through this patterns, behaviours and actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone due to these behaviours.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and not grounded within myself to take responsability where I feel lost and not having a guide to follow.
I realise, accept and observe the abusive ways I have been accepting within myself, the consequences I am creating in me and others.
When and as I see myself participating in the desire of being sarcastic, and to laugh at other people - I stop, I breathe, I direct myself and I take responsability for myself.
I compromise myself to Breathe and direct myself and to be again the directive principle within my life and to stop my mind and energetic outbursts within myself to stand as self-honesty and take responsability for myself
Please also add me to this facebook account https://www.facebook.com/jessieariasu?fref=ts
Due to this mess I have been openning and closing it/blocking it. I´ll have the 2 of them to walk my process and share info
Thanks :-)
