miércoles, 23 de julio de 2014

Cutting the crap. I fuck everything - part 1 -

Hello, I am writting  here so you all can read what has happenned with  me in this months.
Literally I throw away my process - at least I felt that way. 

As some of you know I was looking for a job, so I found one and I went very excited and with the best attitude to be there and stand within this part within my life  - having a job, being consistent and surviving in the system and also to support myself in reaching more goals and experiences - I was indeed happy being there and also knowing people and going out of my house, having another perspective of life and seeing other things besides my house, dogs, internet, etc.

There I knew I a boy - I began to know him and I was very interested due to his interest in me. We went out, he kissed me, we again went out; more kisses but I stopped the relationship due to fears, ideas and opinions. He had a girlfriend in other country and I saw It was not honest for me to follow with this and also observing me that I wanted to follow just to loose my virginity and he just to have sex; the virginity illusion is something that is bothering me. LOL! 

Within this I really felt very bad due to being my first kind of "relationship" ( or approach) ..my first kiss...my first approach to someone that was interested in me...More illusions in fact. Observing this I fell more in the deep due to my deshonesty, I was feeling very dissapointed with myself and I still am....
All this together with the failure I felt with stopping working there and not seeing a way out of this mess I really fell in a depression. I participated in suicidal ideas, ( I still have them but I am taking medication ), I was cutting myself to release the anger, the fears, the anxiety.
Yes, I should´ve ask for help in Desteni but I am still in this patterns of keeping all within myself thinking that I am bothering people and also thinking that anyone can help me to get out of this tramp.

Through the days I have been working with this demons...not a lot I am sincere...due to desires of really stopping everything and dying. I really wanted to die, to go, to leave. 

Few days ago I saw this guy again. Again he kissed me and we talked. I saw the illusion I made to myself due to the desire of having a relationship and to not seeing the reality within relationships right now - is all about sex, self interest and any support.
The other part is with the job stuff. I haven´t found anything and is very hard and I am feeling more angry and anxious due to not seeing a way through.
I enjoy selling my crochet stuff but also that has been a tough work to do...I feel anxious and weird....

Yes, this pattern of starting and falling is recurrent in my process. A system I have to work with. 

Not completing things, not being stable and distracting myself with images in my mind, desires to have a relationship, the feeling of loneliness, the anxiety of not doing what I want and the inner anger with myself for being so dumb!
I really don´t understand anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions of depression and invalidating  myself through comparing myself to the life of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other´s life and fantasize with being them due to unvalidating my life to the utmost that I desire to have what they have - within this I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to feel that is very late to correct myself and my life and to feel fear in relation to my future within this world.
I forgive myselfg that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel there is not solution for me and so participating in suicidal ideas and desires to leave this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself and to be dishonest due to wanting to be as others and through thinking that others are better than me.

I commit myself to show myself the value I have and to push myself to stand and to continue supporting myself alone or with others,

I commit myself to stop paying more attention to others and to accept myself as who I am, to be honest with my decisions, to stop regrets and sadness, and to have responsability of all what I accept and allow within myself. 
I commit myself to stand as consistency. I commit myself to show myself I can do this.
I commit myself to stop the desires and wishes of throwing all away and being as other people.

( i´ll follow this in my spanish blog)