lunes, 15 de septiembre de 2014

Recap of the Week -- Relation-Sheep?

I have been stable within my relation with this friend. We still comunicate each other and I have stopped some of the reactions and behaviours I had in these days where I participated in anxiousness if I didn´t had contact with him through the day.

I also have to control myself--I mean, be stable cause I don´t want to participate in energy and to be involved that behaviours again - feeling anxious and those sort of things, Like I said I am enjoying this "thing" - lol - I call it like that cause is something that is not defined by me. I like that and at the same time I get confused. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get confused by the relation/comunication I have with U. due to base it in expectations and in examples of other relationships I have seen in movies, with friends/family etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to have a more close relationship with him that of course can be based in energy cause I want to experiment those emotions and feelings -within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good by the energy rush I feel when he writes me the things I wanna hear and the things I like to read and so I can imagine myself completing those dreams/desires/wants I expect to have if I have a relationship. I realise, see and understand this is based in energy and is not based in self-honesty and in a way to support myself.

The part that I don´t like - like I said - is the part the he doesn´t invites me to go out, but I can observe that it´s also based in my definitions.
In deed I am enjoying and assisting myself with this experience  - in knowing myself in my reactions and how I participate with him and that´s why I don´t want to rush anything.

So, well, I am stable in this part of my life - lol.
I don´t wanna be involved in energetic experiences. 
Like the title of my blog participate in a relation and turn myself in a sheep and feed the systems in myself. 
I want to build and agreement with someone like I have been doing it with myself within this process.

In other things - well, I am still without a job, I feel anxious for that due to money. I need to support my house and family ( mom, dogs and cats ) and also I wanna do things I stopped and I have never done due to fears and due to that limiting myself  and justificate the fear I have to live my life and stand up and experience things with the decisions I made - of assisting and supporting this journey, my process, being in some way an activist - because yes, I realise that I have been denying things to myself due to fears and I create justifications.
So I am going to investigate more and more and stand within those limitations and fears and so express myself and live the things I have denied - of course with self-responsability and self-honesty!

Thanks for reading! 

domingo, 7 de septiembre de 2014

Stopping dependent relationships

First of all thanks Leila for the comment you left and to all that have left comments in my last blogs, I really appreciate them.

It was cool to read Leila´s comment. So I am going to write about it and continue investigating what this relationship is assisting me in my life in this moments

First of all, I have to stop participating in expecting more about this relationship. That´s what I do in several ocassions and I have observed is a behaviour that is creating abuse within me.

I have this friend relationship via Facebook and via Whatsapp and calls - we have been talking a lot and sharing things about us.
I enjoy his company a lot through the media. I have only seen him once and I like him. 

I admire the way he has lived his life; he is independant and works on his own. He has his own house and lives alone. I admire him because he is the way I like boys to be.

This is something I want to have for me. Live in my own house, being independant, decide what to do in my free time. Not having "responsabilities"  - I mean within this days I have been participating in anxiety by having cats and dogs to take care of and also having to "considerate" my mom to move and do what I want - specially not having my own money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can´t have and acomplish the way of living I have - I compromise myself to work for having my own independence and "freedom" for me to do and experience the things I haven´t been experiencing due to fears and waiting for opportunities instead of creating them and looking for them.

When and as I myself participating in fears and in thoughts in relation to get the life I want - I stop and I move myself to work for it instead of limiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on him and on others to experience myself good instead of me being my own point of stability.

When I talk to him, I feel cool, cause I enjoy the way he seems to care for me. Asking me how my day was. And the way he says he likes me.
Also I like it cause I think he can be a person with whom I can have an agreement/relationship. I see him as a cool partner for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy when U. writes me and talks to me cause I feel important to someone due to not having someone acting like this way to me  - calling, writting  - so when he doesn´t writes to me I participate in sadness  - I realise that I like the way he makes me feel and I want also to have his personality around me due to observing the is completing the image I have in my head of a possible couple.
I realise, see and understand the separation and the dishonesty within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and get along with people due to the way they make me feel, and so depending on him and on others to feel like that, to not feel alone and to feel someone cares for me.
I realise, see and understand the separation I accept within myself and I realise the way I don´t accept myself and love myself in fact - cause I expect and want someone else to give me what I have to create for myself. 

I  forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the attention of others to feel important and to feel I am important and that´s why I feel sad when U doesn´t writes me and yes, I realise, see and understand I want to hang on to that feelings and emotions and so, that´s the reason I like his company - but it´s not honest in fact.

Is because I like the "romantic" feelings he provoque within and as myself - but is created by me.

I commit myself to stop participating in emotions and feelings when he comunicates with me
I commit myself to realise, see and understand that I am my point of support and I have to learn to accept and love myself unconditionally.
I commit myself to enjoy myself alone.

The other point here is that I enjoy also the way he is  cause he has assisted me to see points within and as myself - as for example; Patience and not making assumptions, and not forcing things. He hasn´t invited me to go out a second time and I have been very anxious about it; but is ok with me in some point cause I am enjoying this relation and also I don´t want to force things as I have done before with other boys due to this desire to have a boyfriend.
But, we have been talking about me going to his home and staying there for a weekend and I am afraid and at the same time I want to - I am afraid due to not wanting to be just a game for him, and again feeling sad if something doesn´t go they way I want. 
But I want to cause I want to experience this experience and enjoy myself within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears of living and that´s why I limit myself to experience the things I would like to do. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a "perfect" relationship like in the movies, and to found my life-partner/agreement for life but I don´t want to walk through the experience of experiencing again myheart broken as always.

I commit myself to continue investigating myself in this relationship and to work throug my limitations to express myself without fears.

I´ll continue in another post 
Thank you :D!

lunes, 1 de septiembre de 2014

Accepting and Creating Abuse

Today and these months I have been acting weird...and not being Honest with myself and others.
I did something today that make me realise that I am still abusive and I am very sad and observing how I am acting and how I was acting and I am very dissapointed of myself.

I don´t understand this mess within myself. I am hurting people with my attitude, but mostly myself and I am very angry.
I feel I don´t know anymore between good and bad and I say words that are not aligned with myself anymore.

Within this days I have been also dependant; very dependant of others, but mostly of a friend in Facebook. He writes me regularly and I have been feeling things for him and when he stops writting 2 or 3 days I feel sad, worried and stressed. I am really surprised by acting this way - is an attitude I criticized in others; many in fact that I am participating within these days and I am scared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself to feel sad, worried and anxious when U. doesn´t write me regularly or when he doesn´t answer my messages, or if he doesn´t tell me the things I wanna hear.
 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself some kind of enslavement within myself for placing my calmness in other people. Within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others expecting things I want based in control and in a compulsion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying something wrong to my friends and so loosing them, I participate in imaginating U. and other people not talking to me for my attitude these days and if I say something feeling that he or them will leave me alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that they will never write/communicate back when they don´t answer me in facebook or in my cellphone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and feel anyone likes me and that all laughs at me due to the way I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depressed due to what I expected in the relationship with M. - I realised I messed up with myself due to my desires and wants/due to my desire of having a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not directing myself to stop this memories and abuse and basing other relations in this experience.

I commit myself to direct and support myself to stop this abuse and to move on.
When and as I see myself participating in sadness, in lonelyness I stop and I breathe, I direct myself to walk out ot this abuse and taking responsability of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at other people by the things they do and write on their facebook and what they do in their lives 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my sarcasm to laugh at other people; I realise  is a way to protect myself to avoid people hurting me.

I forgve myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by other people, and so that´s why in a way I act before they hurt and I hurt instead
But I have realised the abuse I make unto others and myself and I compromise myself to stop acting like this bullying character and to stand up as honesty and as transparency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the bully character where I laugh at others and place me as better than all the people around me, pretending to be full of knowledge and information - Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my knowledge and information to place people as less than me and me as more than others due to past experiencies where that kind of things was done unto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in exposing people to laugh at them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than others and to laugh at them as a way of feeling protected and avoid being left out and hurt as the way I was left out and hurt in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am still want to be accepted and to be liked by others instead of accepting me first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in explosive energetic reactions when something is not the way I want or when a person doesn´t react the way I want to instead of breathing and instead of directing myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsability and to step out of my process by the belief that I am not worth it or that this process is not for me and that I am not capable of doing it,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowwed myself to participate in wants and desires for being liked by another and to have a relationship and so I want to call the attention of others upon me - I realise I am participating in an inmature character and I am being abusive, dishonest with me and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to participate in  fears of being alone and left out so I act obsessively upon others forcing them to stay near me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these characters and to realise I am participating within them and not taking actions - taking direction and directing myself - Stopping and Breathing through this patterns, behaviours and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone due to these behaviours.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and not grounded within myself to take responsability where I feel lost and not having a guide to follow.

I realise, accept and observe the abusive ways I have been accepting within myself, the consequences I am creating in me and others.

When and as I see myself participating in the desire of being sarcastic, and to laugh at other people - I stop, I breathe, I direct myself and I take responsability for myself.

I compromise myself to Breathe and direct myself and to be again the directive principle within my life and to stop my mind and energetic outbursts within myself to stand as self-honesty and take responsability for myself

Please also add me to this facebook account
Due to this mess I have been openning and closing it/blocking it. I´ll have the 2 of them to walk my process and share info 
Thanks :-)

miércoles, 27 de agosto de 2014

I found someone

I found someone that is going to be there for me Always, 
I found someone that is not going to play with me , 
someone that is here; accountable, visible, honest and complete

I found someone I can count on
I found someone that is walking the same journey as me
I found someone that is here no matter what, 
someone that is my support, my assistance, my anchor, my company

I found someone that is walking the same process as me 

That someone is ME!

I am stopping the desires of having a relationship of distracting myself in those desires and wants. 
I know that maybe someday I am going to make an agreement with another person but again I realise that with the first one I am going to make this agreement first is with me.

Also there are a lot of people with whom I can make an agreement - friends, family, group members - the agreement of Being here as this process to assist and support me and others and the entire world to make a change.

These situations I have lived has assisted me to realise  how much I have been distracting myself waiting for that "special need" and yes, I really want someone with whom I can assist myself in that way but I´ll also work on that point - I´ll not sit and wait for the world to put me in my way someone as that, I´ll work for that

But today, I realised again that I have an agreement with me and I have been distracting and waiting and desiring and dreaming with something with who I can feel and participate in the same systems etc.

So yes, I found someone
I find ME :D!

lunes, 25 de agosto de 2014

Time to wake up

Ok, here I am again to report what I have been walking within these days. 
I haven´t been writing but I have been reading Desteni material and watching videos and reading the forums to again align myself to this path.

I have to stop the pattern within me of looking this process as something separate from me because I have realised is something mine. Is a decision I  have taken since I met Desteni and I am not going to stop this.

Yes, I´ll be again taking baby steps. Slowly due to starting things with the energy of enthusiasm and then - due to this - not completing things.

I have to again Stand.

Well, this is a short blog but I´ll share more later. 

sábado, 2 de agosto de 2014

Part II -- "report" of the week

well, I am continuing here with the "report" of the week. I´ll be making one blog in English every week so I can share with All, and not only with the ones who speaks spanish how my process is going  :) 

This week has been full of points to work with.
Again I have been participating in many emotions in relation to feel myself locked in my house, within myself due to not finding a job although I have been moving myself into looking for one...
There is a course I´ll be doing in this month --is a free course that is given by the government to help people to have more tools for finding a job and they give you a monetary assistance if you complete it.  So, I am looking forward to go to this course to support myself in this process of having a job and stepping out of this mess.

Like I said this week has been full of point to work with: I observed the point of making assumptions within a relationship I have with a friend. I felt insecure because he didn´t answer my facebook messages and I thought he didn´t wanted to talk with me anymore. So, I participated also in being impulsive and texting him in a dramatic way - lol. I felt very bad with that experience that has been a consequence of all this eppisode with the boy I met and with the job I didn´t completed.

I have been writting all this week in spanish, moving myself to write and assist myself with this and expressing all what I have been walking through these days and I have felt with less weight but yesterday and today I participated in all this stress and anxiety again, the thoughts of wanting to die and seeing this as the only solution possible. 

I want to find a job and find a way to get out of my house, being independent, finding a department or a house - I don´t know,  simply I want to find my life and I have been having difficulties with my mom due to this. I observe she thinks in herself only, she says she understand me but indeed she doesn´t. I am very grateful that she is supporting me in having me here in my house, but I kind of see that also she likes it like this, because she in a way can control me  - she tells me the way she will felt if I go and I see that she wants me to be always with her as she was with my grandmother. My mom didn´t do his life due to being with my grandmother and also with me. And well, I am not going to dissapear or let my mom alone but I don´t want to be as her.

We have been going with a psychologist and she also sees my mom this way. I didn´t wanted to see my mom this way but in fact is like that, and well, I also have a responsability in this due to not stepping out of my confort zone and being dependent of others. I realise this with my mom,  and also with my friends, I thought I was not dependant, but in a way I am due to beliving I am alone and also I fear this because I don´t want to manipulate others but I feel left aside, betrayed also with myself due to observing I accept many things due to not being alone, left aside and being accepted....

With this friend I have in facebook I feel with a company cause we use to talk several times in the week and now he has stopped writting and I feel alone and the emptiness in my life. We have been talking as that since January and the last month the relationship was more close and now he just dissapears and also I feel sad, and insecure again thinking that was due to something I did. I really miss him although I know is an illusion and I don´t have to depend in others to be ok. But, I enjoyed his companionship all this months.

I don´t want to feel all the things I felt when M. stepped out of my life. I stopped eating and I had panic attacks and a lot of mess I accepted and allowed within myself due to that desire of having a relationship and then observing that he didn´t wanted something serious and I wasn´t important also because in a few days he found another girl and I just was named like a "sister" by him, I thought that I was going to have a nice relation with him but no, again the same...just another friend in facebook and just that...any contact at all.

In the past I didn´t placed a lot of importance if people talked to me or not, I enjoyed being here at home and I just played a movie or music and I felt ok. Now is different, I feel trapped, I feel claustrophobic, I want to go out and be all the day outside my house, But I can´t...I have no money...I have to ask my mom and she cannot give me a lot of money cause we have other priorities. I want to make my crochet stuff but I can´t because is another activity I have to do locked in my house...., then my mom makes me feel I am sick, and when I tell her what I want to do she says I can´t due to my mental a vicious cicle! I have to make radical changes and the only thing my mind says is "kill yourself".  I see it as the only way through but....I am not brave enough to take that step....

But I am here and indeed I want to step out of all this mess. Correct all the consequences, Accept my responsability in all I have made and all I haven´t.

Thanks for reading and being here. I´ll continue next week.

miércoles, 23 de julio de 2014

Cutting the crap. I fuck everything - part 1 -

Hello, I am writting  here so you all can read what has happenned with  me in this months.
Literally I throw away my process - at least I felt that way. 

As some of you know I was looking for a job, so I found one and I went very excited and with the best attitude to be there and stand within this part within my life  - having a job, being consistent and surviving in the system and also to support myself in reaching more goals and experiences - I was indeed happy being there and also knowing people and going out of my house, having another perspective of life and seeing other things besides my house, dogs, internet, etc.

There I knew I a boy - I began to know him and I was very interested due to his interest in me. We went out, he kissed me, we again went out; more kisses but I stopped the relationship due to fears, ideas and opinions. He had a girlfriend in other country and I saw It was not honest for me to follow with this and also observing me that I wanted to follow just to loose my virginity and he just to have sex; the virginity illusion is something that is bothering me. LOL! 

Within this I really felt very bad due to being my first kind of "relationship" ( or approach) first first approach to someone that was interested in me...More illusions in fact. Observing this I fell more in the deep due to my deshonesty, I was feeling very dissapointed with myself and I still am....
All this together with the failure I felt with stopping working there and not seeing a way out of this mess I really fell in a depression. I participated in suicidal ideas, ( I still have them but I am taking medication ), I was cutting myself to release the anger, the fears, the anxiety.
Yes, I should´ve ask for help in Desteni but I am still in this patterns of keeping all within myself thinking that I am bothering people and also thinking that anyone can help me to get out of this tramp.

Through the days I have been working with this demons...not a lot I am sincere...due to desires of really stopping everything and dying. I really wanted to die, to go, to leave. 

Few days ago I saw this guy again. Again he kissed me and we talked. I saw the illusion I made to myself due to the desire of having a relationship and to not seeing the reality within relationships right now - is all about sex, self interest and any support.
The other part is with the job stuff. I haven´t found anything and is very hard and I am feeling more angry and anxious due to not seeing a way through.
I enjoy selling my crochet stuff but also that has been a tough work to do...I feel anxious and weird....

Yes, this pattern of starting and falling is recurrent in my process. A system I have to work with. 

Not completing things, not being stable and distracting myself with images in my mind, desires to have a relationship, the feeling of loneliness, the anxiety of not doing what I want and the inner anger with myself for being so dumb!
I really don´t understand anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions of depression and invalidating  myself through comparing myself to the life of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other´s life and fantasize with being them due to unvalidating my life to the utmost that I desire to have what they have - within this I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to feel that is very late to correct myself and my life and to feel fear in relation to my future within this world.
I forgive myselfg that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel there is not solution for me and so participating in suicidal ideas and desires to leave this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself and to be dishonest due to wanting to be as others and through thinking that others are better than me.

I commit myself to show myself the value I have and to push myself to stand and to continue supporting myself alone or with others,

I commit myself to stop paying more attention to others and to accept myself as who I am, to be honest with my decisions, to stop regrets and sadness, and to have responsability of all what I accept and allow within myself. 
I commit myself to stand as consistency. I commit myself to show myself I can do this.
I commit myself to stop the desires and wishes of throwing all away and being as other people.

( i´ll follow this in my spanish blog)