First of all thanks Leila for the comment you left and to all that have left comments in my last blogs, I really appreciate them.
It was cool to read Leila´s comment. So I am going to write about it and continue investigating what this relationship is assisting me in my life in this moments
First of all, I have to stop participating in expecting more about this relationship. That´s what I do in several ocassions and I have observed is a behaviour that is creating abuse within me.
I have this friend relationship via Facebook and via Whatsapp and calls - we have been talking a lot and sharing things about us.
I enjoy his company a lot through the media. I have only seen him once and I like him.
I admire the way he has lived his life; he is independant and works on his own. He has his own house and lives alone. I admire him because he is the way I like boys to be.
This is something I want to have for me. Live in my own house, being independant, decide what to do in my free time. Not having "responsabilities" - I mean within this days I have been participating in anxiety by having cats and dogs to take care of and also having to "considerate" my mom to move and do what I want - specially not having my own money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can´t have and acomplish the way of living I have - I compromise myself to work for having my own independence and "freedom" for me to do and experience the things I haven´t been experiencing due to fears and waiting for opportunities instead of creating them and looking for them.
When and as I myself participating in fears and in thoughts in relation to get the life I want - I stop and I move myself to work for it instead of limiting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on him and on others to experience myself good instead of me being my own point of stability.
When I talk to him, I feel cool, cause I enjoy the way he seems to care for me. Asking me how my day was. And the way he says he likes me.
Also I like it cause I think he can be a person with whom I can have an agreement/relationship. I see him as a cool partner for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy when U. writes me and talks to me cause I feel important to someone due to not having someone acting like this way to me - calling, writting - so when he doesn´t writes to me I participate in sadness - I realise that I like the way he makes me feel and I want also to have his personality around me due to observing the is completing the image I have in my head of a possible couple.
I realise, see and understand the separation and the dishonesty within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and get along with people due to the way they make me feel, and so depending on him and on others to feel like that, to not feel alone and to feel someone cares for me.
I realise, see and understand the separation I accept within myself and I realise the way I don´t accept myself and love myself in fact - cause I expect and want someone else to give me what I have to create for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the attention of others to feel important and to feel I am important and that´s why I feel sad when U doesn´t writes me and yes, I realise, see and understand I want to hang on to that feelings and emotions and so, that´s the reason I like his company - but it´s not honest in fact.
Is because I like the "romantic" feelings he provoque within and as myself - but is created by me.
I commit myself to stop participating in emotions and feelings when he comunicates with me
I commit myself to realise, see and understand that I am my point of support and I have to learn to accept and love myself unconditionally.
I commit myself to enjoy myself alone.
The other point here is that I enjoy also the way he is cause he has assisted me to see points within and as myself - as for example; Patience and not making assumptions, and not forcing things. He hasn´t invited me to go out a second time and I have been very anxious about it; but is ok with me in some point cause I am enjoying this relation and also I don´t want to force things as I have done before with other boys due to this desire to have a boyfriend.
But, we have been talking about me going to his home and staying there for a weekend and I am afraid and at the same time I want to - I am afraid due to not wanting to be just a game for him, and again feeling sad if something doesn´t go they way I want.
But I want to cause I want to experience this experience and enjoy myself within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears of living and that´s why I limit myself to experience the things I would like to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a "perfect" relationship like in the movies, and to found my life-partner/agreement for life but I don´t want to walk through the experience of experiencing again myheart broken as always.
I commit myself to continue investigating myself in this relationship and to work throug my limitations to express myself without fears.
I´ll continue in another post
Thank you :D!