sábado, 2 de agosto de 2014

Part II -- "report" of the week

well, I am continuing here with the "report" of the week. I´ll be making one blog in English every week so I can share with All, and not only with the ones who speaks spanish how my process is going  :) 

This week has been full of points to work with.
Again I have been participating in many emotions in relation to feel myself locked in my house, within myself due to not finding a job although I have been moving myself into looking for one...
There is a course I´ll be doing in this month --is a free course that is given by the government to help people to have more tools for finding a job and they give you a monetary assistance if you complete it.  So, I am looking forward to go to this course to support myself in this process of having a job and stepping out of this mess.

Like I said this week has been full of point to work with: I observed the point of making assumptions within a relationship I have with a friend. I felt insecure because he didn´t answer my facebook messages and I thought he didn´t wanted to talk with me anymore. So, I participated also in being impulsive and texting him in a dramatic way - lol. I felt very bad with that experience that has been a consequence of all this eppisode with the boy I met and with the job I didn´t completed.

I have been writting all this week in spanish, moving myself to write and assist myself with this and expressing all what I have been walking through these days and I have felt with less weight but yesterday and today I participated in all this stress and anxiety again, the thoughts of wanting to die and seeing this as the only solution possible. 

I want to find a job and find a way to get out of my house, being independent, finding a department or a house - I don´t know,  simply I want to find my life and I have been having difficulties with my mom due to this. I observe she thinks in herself only, she says she understand me but indeed she doesn´t. I am very grateful that she is supporting me in having me here in my house, but I kind of see that also she likes it like this, because she in a way can control me  - she tells me the way she will felt if I go and I see that she wants me to be always with her as she was with my grandmother. My mom didn´t do his life due to being with my grandmother and also with me. And well, I am not going to dissapear or let my mom alone but I don´t want to be as her.

We have been going with a psychologist and she also sees my mom this way. I didn´t wanted to see my mom this way but in fact is like that, and well, I also have a responsability in this due to not stepping out of my confort zone and being dependent of others. I realise this with my mom,  and also with my friends, I thought I was not dependant, but in a way I am due to beliving I am alone and also I fear this because I don´t want to manipulate others but I feel left aside, betrayed also with myself due to observing I accept many things due to not being alone, left aside and being accepted....

With this friend I have in facebook I feel with a company cause we use to talk several times in the week and now he has stopped writting and I feel alone and the emptiness in my life. We have been talking as that since January and the last month the relationship was more close and now he just dissapears and also I feel sad, and insecure again thinking that was due to something I did. I really miss him although I know is an illusion and I don´t have to depend in others to be ok. But, I enjoyed his companionship all this months.

I don´t want to feel all the things I felt when M. stepped out of my life. I stopped eating and I had panic attacks and a lot of mess I accepted and allowed within myself due to that desire of having a relationship and then observing that he didn´t wanted something serious and I wasn´t important also because in a few days he found another girl and I just was named like a "sister" by him, I thought that I was going to have a nice relation with him but no, again the same...just another friend in facebook and just that...any contact at all.

In the past I didn´t placed a lot of importance if people talked to me or not, I enjoyed being here at home and I just played a movie or music and I felt ok. Now is different, I feel trapped, I feel claustrophobic, I want to go out and be all the day outside my house, But I can´t...I have no money...I have to ask my mom and she cannot give me a lot of money cause we have other priorities. I want to make my crochet stuff but I can´t because is another activity I have to do locked in my house...., then my mom makes me feel I am sick, and when I tell her what I want to do she says I can´t due to my mental issues....LOL..is a vicious cicle! I have to make radical changes and the only thing my mind says is "kill yourself".  I see it as the only way through but....I am not brave enough to take that step....

But I am here and indeed I want to step out of all this mess. Correct all the consequences, Accept my responsability in all I have made and all I haven´t.

Thanks for reading and being here. I´ll continue next week.

2 comentarios:

  1. Points keep on intensifying, thanks for sharing. Take steps.

  2. cool realizations Jessica -- i recognize the part that you wrote where you notice that in the past you didn't care if people talk to you or not and then suddenly there's all these emotions making you crazy. I have experienced the same in my life where i used to be quite fine with myself, and then i met a guy and 'fell in love', and all of a sudden i felt like i absolutely needed to have a relationship with this male in my life or i would die. I found it frightening to see and realize the extent to which we are unaware of these programs existing in the mind - for instance a 'relationship-personality' - that seem to just activate in one moment, out of nowhere and change our inner experience completely. through walking my process i could see though how i created the activation of that personality through an accumulation of information that i accepted and allowed to exist in my mind throughout my earlier years and that the entire experience was in fact my own creation.

    Thanks for sharing your Journey Jessica.

    Cheers, Kim