Day # 300 -- The fear of loosing people in my life

I am going to write about the point I see I am participating in lately that is my fear of loosing people.
I like to be close to people, although I am not very social, I like to keep my circle of friends small. Horoscope says that Capricorns are very social, but not me. 
I like to be around people that I can be myself and big circle of people tends to get me anxious and I distract and I am not very fond of that. 
I have noticed my idea also of not being very very close to people to protect me from being hurt.
 I also, kind of  feel guilty when I loose contact with people, I tend to feel I am the one that ruin the relationship. I am very hard on myself sometimes. All these is related to past events in my life where I was not accepted totally due to me being very shy and insecure about myself, I received rejection due to feeling rejection of my self, i wanted to be different than who I was so yes, I received the same energy. So I began to be a people pleaser, I didn´t wanted to enter in any conflict at all. With the Desteni tools I began to develop more security and to stop pleasing people, and I don´t care anymore if they like me or not,...

Well...thats a short intro - lol.
But yes, due to past events I have developed a fear of abandonment - although I enjoy being alone and stuff, but when I meet someone special, I inmediately think I will loose them someday and that makes me sad so I prefer not making anyone special or getting used to people and also places, situations etc. I feel that when you do this - placing someone in an special position - you are signing an inevitable end. The other people - the normal ones - friends, co-workers, people you don´t get along with - are in a safe position cause you are not tagging them with that feelings and emotions but, yes, I know, people needs to get closer to other people to connect and assist themselves and for example in agreements - having that one person to rely on and to support each other and to know you better, cause yes, i have seen that I know myself better when I create intimacy with my closest friends (  I am not talking about sex - lol ) its about being open and transparent and sharing with them several things to get support

I realise that feeling abandoned or fearing being alone is separation, its a deshonesty and abuse I am feeding in me. And its ego also. Nobody belongs to anyone, but it can be cool to kind of "belong" to one person and make him/her your support in this life.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be remain in comfort zones at meeting people due to fear of being hurt/judged and abandoned at some stage in my life so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to show who I really am to others and to share unconditionally to my extern reality.
I see, realise and understand the separation I am accepting and allowing within me and within others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feed the idea in my mind that people will go in some stage in life and remain in that idea/feeling and emotion during my relationship wiith them instead of enjoying their presence in my life.
I see, realise and understand we are all here. It doesn´t matter if it´s far or near, they are all here.

Yes, sometimes you can´t force the relationships and you have to stop seeing certain people due to several points but that´s all separation due to participation in the mind - feelings, emotions - and feeding the pre-programmed systems in ourselves



Reading this blog assisted me a lot to realise how we have been creating our relationships:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-14-do-you-love-breakups.html

Day # 63 BEing Aware of My Breath.

In my blog in Spanish I have been walking  21 days to remove a pattern. For me it has been like an investigation. An Investigation to see in where areas I am still being dependent and defining myself with and as the system.
So, I have been settling down within this - assisting with my cell-phone as an alarm to wake up after 6 hours of sleep and of course, with my breath!!.
 I haven´t been exact - in waking up in the mornings but I have been working in the points that leads me to suppress my reality. 

I have been again realizing that I pressure myself very much and I give a lot of attention to this as Energy - stress, tenseness, tension .... CONcentration! yes, that´s the word. 

The more I CON-centrate in this the more I fail. Why? 'cause it has been since that Starting point of pressure. Wanting to change, wanting to do something I have been postponing and wanting to do something that I never complete. I mean that I have this pattern of not completing things within and as my life. 

So, today I have this crisis again. The fears, the doubts, seeing me in the future with nothing that is completely mine. This was triggered by an order I had to do in crochet - my client was giving me a lot of excuses in relation to the doll I was making and I exploded and I told to myself that I was going

to stop doing this things - participating in the back-chats of :"I ´ve had enough of this; I don´t sell my products the way I have to, I give them very cheap, I don´t  have the money I want. So I will just CONcentrate in the job I am doing in the web and in the meantime I will search for another one. I need the F. Money".

So, I went to talk to my mom - she gave me solutions and options but I didn´t wanted to hear. So again - wanting to hide, wanting to run and wanting to participate in self-pity. 
I stayed in my room for a while - breathing and observing me again in this pattern and my behaviors and this program inside me that makes me throw everything away and start  in other area.

So, I open my laptop and I started watching the videos that I didn´t watched in the Heaven´s Journey to Life Blogs and then reading other member blog´s and Bernard´s Blog - Creation Journey to Life and again made myself aware of my breath and start applying SF with the examples in HJTL blogs and I realized - in addition of what I wrote yesterday in my spanish blog - that I keep defining myself as systems. I know I am one;  I have been participating in them since I was born - and knowing those systems I have realized I am not a MCS - but in allowing them here as me - one and equal as me - I am indeed a system, and so my reality becomes a mess and i create consequences. And also I realized that with wanting to reject them again I am going into separation and not giving a solution to myself.

So, I began being aware of my breath where I realized the solution to the trigger point that drove me to the same

'mental-state' - a simple one! so I gave to my client the solution and to myself also - not abandoning this little business that I have and to keep with the solutions I put for me: Assisting myself with this job I found in the internet which a friend recommended me and to then completing my studies. I haven´t received a payment yet, but my friend says they pay so I am calmed. lol. So with that, assisting my mom as before and searching for and to study Homeopathy. Is a process I will walk. And I have to build the way to this decision.

Ok, well, this is a review of some points that I have been walking and correcting within me. 
I again commit myself to not fall and to hide and to run. As I always do and also to not see things with my mind´s eyes - which is the thing I do always.


Thanks for reading, 


...So, as part of the process - to Find within Yourself a ‘spec of life’ and eventually Birth Yourself as the Tree of Life to ‘Bear the Fruit of Life’: You’re going to have to Changethe Constitution of Yourself, you’re going to have to Genetically Modify yourself as Organism, become a GMO, Modifying yourself to That Which is Best for All Life. If you don’t, you’re Doomed by Yourself and Only You are Responsible. Even those Affected by Others, You Remain Responsible to What Happens ‘Within you’, Who you are, What you Allow or What you Accept – that is simple Science, it is Mathematics, it is the Function of Reality... 
Creation´s Journey to Life