Day # 300 -- The fear of loosing people in my life

I am going to write about the point I see I am participating in lately that is my fear of loosing people.
I like to be close to people, although I am not very social, I like to keep my circle of friends small. Horoscope says that Capricorns are very social, but not me. 
I like to be around people that I can be myself and big circle of people tends to get me anxious and I distract and I am not very fond of that. 
I have noticed my idea also of not being very very close to people to protect me from being hurt.
 I also, kind of  feel guilty when I loose contact with people, I tend to feel I am the one that ruin the relationship. I am very hard on myself sometimes. All these is related to past events in my life where I was not accepted totally due to me being very shy and insecure about myself, I received rejection due to feeling rejection of my self, i wanted to be different than who I was so yes, I received the same energy. So I began to be a people pleaser, I didn´t wanted to enter in any conflict at all. With the Desteni tools I began to develop more security and to stop pleasing people, and I don´t care anymore if they like me or not,...

Well...thats a short intro - lol.
But yes, due to past events I have developed a fear of abandonment - although I enjoy being alone and stuff, but when I meet someone special, I inmediately think I will loose them someday and that makes me sad so I prefer not making anyone special or getting used to people and also places, situations etc. I feel that when you do this - placing someone in an special position - you are signing an inevitable end. The other people - the normal ones - friends, co-workers, people you don´t get along with - are in a safe position cause you are not tagging them with that feelings and emotions but, yes, I know, people needs to get closer to other people to connect and assist themselves and for example in agreements - having that one person to rely on and to support each other and to know you better, cause yes, i have seen that I know myself better when I create intimacy with my closest friends (  I am not talking about sex - lol ) its about being open and transparent and sharing with them several things to get support

I realise that feeling abandoned or fearing being alone is separation, its a deshonesty and abuse I am feeding in me. And its ego also. Nobody belongs to anyone, but it can be cool to kind of "belong" to one person and make him/her your support in this life.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be remain in comfort zones at meeting people due to fear of being hurt/judged and abandoned at some stage in my life so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to show who I really am to others and to share unconditionally to my extern reality.
I see, realise and understand the separation I am accepting and allowing within me and within others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feed the idea in my mind that people will go in some stage in life and remain in that idea/feeling and emotion during my relationship wiith them instead of enjoying their presence in my life.
I see, realise and understand we are all here. It doesn´t matter if it´s far or near, they are all here.

Yes, sometimes you can´t force the relationships and you have to stop seeing certain people due to several points but that´s all separation due to participation in the mind - feelings, emotions - and feeding the pre-programmed systems in ourselves



Reading this blog assisted me a lot to realise how we have been creating our relationships:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-14-do-you-love-breakups.html

Day # 61 -- I want to Craft Character - part 2

Ok, here I continue with the past blog that was:

" I want to Craft Character"

Yesterday I had time to made some crafts - and well, I observe more dimensions here - as for example the positive energetic reactions I have when I am doing them - I realise in having this reactions as Positive energetic sensations as polarities I am not here in the moment of my physical movements and I am not here present in every moment as the process I am walking to get the craft done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good/ to feel I am 'doing something important within my life/with my day/ with the moments I am doing the crafts and I participate in the back-chat of " I want to do this all my life" within this not giving importance to the reality that is here as me, to the other responsibilities I have to complete within and as me, only by being there as an energetic possessed character that only sees what I doing here as self-interest participating in desires/wants to not being bothered with other mundane points as when my mom says to me "Search for a job in the web instead of being there just wasting my time' or 'those things don´t generate money do something that generates money'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself within a point that is feeding my self-interest and using an activity to distract myself and to feed my mind - Instead of doing it without energetic dependencies - Just Me here in Every breath.

Let´s say "Free" to Enjoy Myself in every breath with no other suppressions and points of postponement. I mean - when I have all the things done - the priority ones completed I can do the things I have as extracurricular points....

Here I am not saying that I rush in the other things to have time for me to feel free and do what I want - no - and also I am not defining my tasks within a polarity of fun and not fun, or the things I like and the ones I don´t.

So; I commit myself to walk all the things I have here in my reality within and as Self-Responsability and Self-attention and also stop Moving myself in a rush so I can 'clean my hands' of the ones I have to do first so I can be 'free' to do the others I like more...

So Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define things/activities/tasks/things that I do for others as less important and within and as the things I do for me I feel and experience myself as free, as like If I am doing something for me .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the activities I do for others as something I am not doing it for me - Instead if Being here as me in every activity and realising that everything Here is ME! and I am all that is here - One and equal to myself.

When and as I see myself separating me from the activities I do - I stop, I breathe and I Embrace everything I do as myself and I do them with that Consideration, Self-responsability.


So Here I Realise, see and Accept that Everything is here - I stop Separating me as Individual from all the things I do, from all the things I walk as the physical - Nothing is a separated point. Everything is here and so, I realise, see and understand that every thing I do is a part of me and so, my mind is the one that is making a difference and a separation making me believe that I am a separate individual that is alien to this world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a separated matter from all the things/persons/activities/tasks I do here in my reality and in world and so accepting and allowing that my mind constantly and continuously tells me that I am special, or that I am giving my job as a gift and so thinking that anyone is going to appreciate it..

The other Point I see here is that I place in me a Defence Mechanism and that I am 'Alert' as the mind - participating in that character that is "If this and then this".
Instead of moving myself unconditionally and genuine in every moment.


Ok, the next point I´ll be walking this - the point that unfolds from all this - the point of thinking and feeling that I am Giving my work - as free - making my job for free expecting an award if is not of people - of Life. An Award from Life - ' a good person character' --wow! a lot of dimensions here LOL!

ok, I´ll continue.!!

Day # 33 --- The "Hurrying Myself" Character

Today I participated again in the same pattern of turmoil and anxiety due to time. Establishing some situations I have to deal in my reality as a trigger point that open-up these systems. And some of these due to distracting in other things and thinking and believing that  'I have time' then, I realize the time is over me and so, I participate in that turmoil...I again tensed and pushed myself within anxiety to complete the things I have to do - I perceive myself as slow and I react towards this so much.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/believe/perceive  me as slow when I am doing things and so I believe and also I feel I don´t have the enough time within my day and this is then the starting point within me to  start participating in anxiety and pressure over me. Instead of being here participating in my physical in equality and oneness with everything that is here as me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and feel myself as slow when I am doing house-chores, or when I am doing other things - I realize, see and understand is my mind egos that are arising to distract me from here, from my reality and so  use me to feed mind systems within and as energy reactions and conflicts.
Whenever I see myself participating in anxiousness due to time - I stop, I Breathe, I calm down, I clear myself and I Bring my participation back to  the physical embracing everything as me. So I can walk in real-physical-time and not as the mind-time - that is timing my expression.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand how I have been compromising me as life-expression  due to following and participating the 'mind timing/measure/beating.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand how in following the mind I am measuring my self and so defining me as a mind consciousness system that is limited by time. 
I see, realize and understand that me as an expression of life has no time/measure


I only follow, I am, I participate in the beat/rhythm of life - that is the Breath of Life.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my breaths - and me as life - are not limited to a measure of time and so, 
Whenever and  as I see myself participating in hurries within the mind - I stop, I breathe, I clear myself and I return me into the physical - I stand as self-attention and I embrace everything I am doing as me - I am here as the tools I take to clean  the house, to write in my notebook etc.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts as distractions of what I am doing in the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'I don´t have time' and 'I´ll not finish this in time' while I am knitting or translating, instead of being here as the tools I am using to knit and to translate as me
Whenever I see myself participating in these thoughts - I stop, I take a deep breath so I can slow myself and bring my participation here as my physical and the physical reality that is here as oneness and equality within and as myself - so I walk in real-physical-time - breath by breath. 
So, I see with my physical eyes, and I touch and live with my physical human body here.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I create and establish this character that hurries all the time due to distractions and the pattern of giving value to things that are not practical in my reality and I spend my time as life in considering separation within myself - so if I stand as self-responsability I´ll realise/see that time is not a trigger point for me to worry and to abuse myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in myself the point of time as a trigger point within myself that opens up inner conflicts and reactions such as hurries, worries, impatience, intolerance - that are polarities that generates and creates energy that is abusing me as life constantly and continuously.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise me within mind time - timing myself instead of working and doing things one breath at a time - so I can stand as certainty, as self-responsability with me and with all so, no space for 'waiting' and 'posponing' that leads me to hurry and worry --- so allowing and accepting the same patterns over and over again although I know the consequences.




I commit myself to stop this character that hurries all the time.
I commit myself to stop distractions and to only value practical things within my world and myself - practical points that assist me and support me within and as What is best for all Life.

Day # 30 -- My body and Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that my body is an external part or being of myself - feeling and believing that I am separated from my body, and my body is not  mine and this perceptions lead me to feel inadequate and uncomfortable with my body-  I realize I am establishing self abuse and separation.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to realize/see/understand the amount of separation I am accepting and allowing within me caused by my deliberate participation in my mind as egos.
When and as I see myself participating in feelings/emotions/perceptions in relation to my body I stop; I breathe and I correct myself. I am here as self-acceptance and I commit myself to be one and equal to my body.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need/desire to have another body - because I feel and perceive myself as ugly and different from the rest of the people around me -specially women. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ugly.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as ugly, or as any other polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the polarity of ugly/beautiful exists.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and play within the comparison  construct/system programed inside me -comparing myself and also competing with myself to reach the image I have in my mind - which is better and more acceptable.
I realize that I am in constant participation within my mind and all it´s components instead of being here as Oneness and Equality - and also self-intimacy- with my physical and so; I am feeding and establishing separation, abuse and dishonesty. I stop and I stand as self-acceptance. I am self-acceptance
When and I see myself participating in systems as feelings, thoughts, emotions, ideas, perceptions - I Stop, I take a deep Breathe correcting myself here as the physical - embracing the physical as myself. I embrace me as Life and I accept me as Life. I bring my Participation here to myself as the physical and I face it. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have/experience resistances and conflicts  to see my body reflected in a mirror/ to see myself - my face- in the mirror cause I feel uncomfortable with my face and the way I look - cause I participate in needs/desires to change me to, to be different due to comparisons and due to the system demon programmed inside me which I am feeding and supporting without understanding and observing the amount of separation I am allowing within myself. 
When and as I see myself reacting to the image I see reflected in the mirror I stop. I Breathe. I bring  my participation back to myself as the physical. I see myself in the mirror stopping thoughts, feelings and emotions. I face myself and I breathe. I accept myself and I embrace myself. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in myself separation -deifying the Mind and defying Life within me. 


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to realize I am defining myself as the mind - and this is cause I am not willing myself to face the reality and change it.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I fear facing me and the reality of myself due to my desires/wants and needs to protect my mind instead of Moving myself as the physical to Stand and Live as Life.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to realize and be self-honest and humble to accept that I am still protecting me as my mind - still having desires and needs to protect me so I can stay and remain in my comfort zone.
Instead of Standing as self Will and Self-Motivation to Stop these self-abuse and self-dishonesty and Say Till here no further.
I stand myself as self-will and self-motivation. I commit myself to assist myself with writing, self-corrective actions.




---to continue...

Day # 29 Self-Discipline to put in Order my Life

INTRO:
Writting myself every day has been the ¡¡ONLY!!thing in which I have been constant in all my life. 
When I realized this I said to myself - as a back-chat: How about school? and the job where you spent 4 years and a half working?
Yes, excuses and desires to say I have done something and so, evade all the 'dust above the carpet'.
In fact is that yes, I have been only constant in my 7 years Journey to Life - cause I also abandon things that I like - my desires and needs as a system.
So, I am realizing I can do it . The only solution is to ...Be the Solution and Stand as self-discipline.
So, I have been looking for a job and I haven´t had a good response and I am still unemployed. But I am - while I get one - selling my crochet dolls and accessories - I don´t earn a lot but is a help to buy my cats food and sand. I enjoy this but, like I said was also an activity which I started with excitement and I end up within a short time with boredom . I am starting that again due to friends requests to do more dolls for them.


Well, I´ll start my statements and there I´ll tell more about this ..Here I go.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  not being consistent with something  in my life due to participating in my mind as boredom, resistance, tiredness and energy movements inside myself. I realize I lived as self-sabotage all my life and doing things within mediocrity just to 'complete' things that  has to be done; but without any participation as self-responsability, honesty and care.
I realize that the mind has not discipline -principle and values - but I do have as Life. So I stand as Self-Discipline and Self-Responsability to be Here as Life and participate with care and be as an expression in every thing I do.


I  forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tiredness, as depression and be one and equal to that systems. 
I realize I am not a system  - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in tiredness and depression. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tiredness and depression exists within and as me.
I stand as Common sense and as self-assistance and support to stand and correct myself when and as I see myself defining me as depression and tiredness I stop, I breathe and I correct myself - standing myself from that separation and abuse.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things - to move myself within my reality - as depression, tiredness, boredom - as a system . I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to realize I am only feeding/supporting/assisting MCS and so that´s why I am not consistent and participating in resistances and conflicts inside myself. Instead of being here, Standing in every breath as self-consistency and self-discipline.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to realize I was only surviving as my mind - so, not being a life form in any way cause I have give my power away to systems and so I have let them be the directive force and principle within my life.
So, I step forth and I stand as self-direction, I take the place as my Principle and I assist and support myself with consistency, responsability and discipline.
Whenever I see myself participating in depression, tiredness, resistances and inner conflicts towards any activity I have to do in my reality I stop, I breathe, I correct myself in the moment of every Breath and I bring my participation here and I set myself as a platform from where to stand and be constant, so assisting and supporting  myself with the self-forgiveness statements, writing myself and correcting myself here as breath.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access and participate in thoughts, feelings and emotions when I have to do a chore, an activity - like cleaning the house, cleaning and feeding my cats, knitting, instead of being here as breath and moving myself as the physical to do the things I have to do here in my reality. I move myself as an expression, enjoying me as life in every breath.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/feel that physical movement is a burden and I have to have a 'requirement' - such as energy - to do it, thinking and believing that I don´t have such requirement in some moments, so separating myself due to believing I am rechargeable. Also, realize with postponing things/ procrastinating I am only existing as mind C. systems and in the past. 
I stop feeding and supporting mind C. systems. I stand as self-movement and every moment I see myself participating in feelings, emotions and thoughts that imply burden, conflicts and resistances I breathe, I stand and I correct myself immediately. 
I stand as self-discipline and breath by breath I move and I place things in the correct order and place where they belong under the principle of doing what is best for all as life.




I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to realize/see/ understand how I have separated myself so much due to defining myself as a mind consciousness system so, don´t enjoying and accepting myself in any what what so ever due to remaining constantly and consistently judging myself, rejecting myself and abusing myself.
So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject me instead of standing as self-acceptance, being intimate with me, - being here with/as me in simplicity.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that between me  and me as life - is my mind which I have deified and believed was me - instead of seeing with my physical eyes what I really am and accepting myself as who I am.


I commit myself to stand as self-discipline and self-acceptance and to move myself as the physical to put in order me as life,


I commit myself to assist me and support me with self-forgiveness, writing, self -correction to stop walking the same patterns and behaviours.


I commit myself to Enjoy Myself as life


I Accept myself as Life
I am self-acceptance
I accept myself