I am going to write about the point I see I am participating in lately that is my fear of loosing people. I like to be close to people, although I am not very social, I like to keep my circle of friends small. Horoscope says that Capricorns are very social, but not me. I like to be around people that I can be myself and big circle of people tends to get me anxious and I distract and I am not very fond of that. I have noticed my idea also of not being very very close to people to protect me from being hurt. I also, kind of feel guilty when I loose contact with people, I tend to feel I am the one that ruin the relationship. I am very hard on myself sometimes. All these is related to past events in my life where I was not accepted totally due to me being very shy and insecure about myself, I received rejection due to feeling rejection of my self, i wanted to be different than who I was so yes, I received the same energy. So I began to be a people pleaser, I didn´t wanted to enter in any conflict at all. With the Desteni tools I began to develop more security and to stop pleasing people, and I don´t care anymore if they like me or not,... Well...thats a short intro - lol. But yes, due to past events I have developed a fear of abandonment - although I enjoy being alone and stuff, but when I meet someone special, I inmediately think I will loose them someday and that makes me sad so I prefer not making anyone special or getting used to people and also places, situations etc. I feel that when you do this - placing someone in an special position - you are signing an inevitable end. The other people - the normal ones - friends, co-workers, people you don´t get along with - are in a safe position cause you are not tagging them with that feelings and emotions but, yes, I know, people needs to get closer to other people to connect and assist themselves and for example in agreements - having that one person to rely on and to support each other and to know you better, cause yes, i have seen that I know myself better when I create intimacy with my closest friends ( I am not talking about sex - lol ) its about being open and transparent and sharing with them several things to get support I realise that feeling abandoned or fearing being alone is separation, its a deshonesty and abuse I am feeding in me. And its ego also. Nobody belongs to anyone, but it can be cool to kind of "belong" to one person and make him/her your support in this life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be remain in comfort zones at meeting people due to fear of being hurt/judged and abandoned at some stage in my life so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to show who I really am to others and to share unconditionally to my extern reality. I see, realise and understand the separation I am accepting and allowing within me and within others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feed the idea in my mind that people will go in some stage in life and remain in that idea/feeling and emotion during my relationship wiith them instead of enjoying their presence in my life. I see, realise and understand we are all here. It doesn´t matter if it´s far or near, they are all here. Yes, sometimes you can´t force the relationships and you have to stop seeing certain people due to several points but that´s all separation due to participation in the mind - feelings, emotions - and feeding the pre-programmed systems in ourselves Reading this blog assisted me a lot to realise how we have been creating our relationships: http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-14-do-you-love-breakups.html
More patterns to change....another one that I have to do to clean all the mess I have done in my life it´s acting in the physical and learn to say "NO" - specially to food...yeah food that it´s not supportive for me. I never had this tendency to take care of what I eat and I grew up in a mexican family and my grandmother was a great cook so she always was preparing delicious food for me and my mom and we usually had family reunions at home on weekends so I had never had time to eat in a balanced way....I ate healthy but not balanced. I began making diets and taking care of me but always the delicious food was flirting with me and I didn´t had the complete will to say "NO", until 2 or 3 years that I began investigating which food its better for me and now I am indeed more carefull and I had developed the will to say no - lol... I don´t want to make a diet because I want to eat everything I like but in a measured and balanced way also I am more connected with my body and I can observe when I abuse...like today that I am feeling very awful due to sugar...I have eated a lot of sugar this days, specially coke and ice-creams and I do observe that when I eat carbohydrates ans sugars I start feeling bad. So, I am doing a complete change in my diet. yeah, that´s another thing I will change and saying no to the things I know that are making an abuse within me, like feelings, emotions, situations, people and start walking the correction path. That´s why I decided also to make the commitment of writting again, I also have observed that being in a group like Desteni, walking and living principles and being in a way connected and having goals and plans are the best way to change reality and I have seen it change and I want it to change cause I want to reach my goals. I want to live! that´s my desire, my passion, my goal - I want to LIVE!, to be aware of everything, to be part of all the things I enjoy and I enjoying me its the first step. I am grateful for the things and people I have in my life in these moments. I will take care of them as I have done it all my life. Here...it arises a point that I want to explore more deeply - loosing people. It causes a big emptyness when I think in loosing people. So I will write more tomorrow about this. There are so many layers - one of them I was observing today was the fear of saying something that may sound weird or dumb to the other and so I go to the extremes and I see them making fun inside them and stop talking to me. ok, so...I will continue tomorrow. Really tired and dizzy. I just want to sleep
Another step in my way to be better its to love myself. Not accepting less than what I want for me. Today is one of those days where I feel out of this world...wanting to see real people. And there are real people around me i know but maybe its my desire to have someone closer than like my family or friends are. With so many things that has happened within my life these years I am very dissappointed that humans wants to seek for empty things - well, they have always been like that... I know, animals are also like that sometimes, but humans wants to follow that behaviour also instead of creating new rules, specially in love/relationships - like the Principles Desteni shared. I see my friends around me so blind; they just want to share their "happy-life-pictures" when you know they are cheating their partners and friends and so themselves. They forget to love themselves. And for me loving themselves its not allowing that. For example in relationships I only want to be with one person ( at a time ) I know searching for more its seeking to fill the void you have inside, distracting from yourself, wanting to be seen as cool...well, I just don´t get it...its hard to find people attractive, they are so blury, their souls has not spark Then the way people interact are based on hate, and competition. They all wants to be better than others, being mean its cool. People laugh if you are a bitch, and if you want to unite and do better things they say you are crazy or pretending. At the same time that if you tell the truth you are sad and depressed with the world, they just want to be in their bubble. Many animals dying for stupidity like the 2 lions that were killed to save a suicidal man. Why that man wanted to get involved those animals? He just wanted to get attention, he didn´t wanted to die...he just wanted attention! So fucking stupid!!!! But also people get mad and pissed off by one story in the media, the world go crazy for just one thing, instead of observing the complete scene. They are like people giving charity; they clean their hands just caring for a minute or two. I want to change to not be another copy of these people...and I have been one of those copies.... Being better each day in a world full of temptations and kowing what you want its more attractive indeed. A brain full of ideas to change the world and to stand for principles that help others and the more important thing is to see that person loves themselves to much to not accept less than who they are. That´s why I compromise to follow being that person. If I walk alone among others its not important, cause we are ALL- ONE, not specialness at all. It can be funnier to have an accomplice hahaha but thats fine... there are things I don´t understand that people do unto them....things I don´t want to follow participating in... Bleh, maybe I have a dumb heart ....full of fairy and childish dreams...full of Unicorns and kitties... ¬¬ Doesn´t matter I will protect this heart! No one will play with it I will enjoy everything, cause I do learn of all the things I observe and experience, but I know what I want and I want to be a change, I want to create a better world, to stop justifying things with a phrase I hate " we are animals" ( lol, male friends tolds me this everytime they wanna go to be with me ...haha which is very pathetic ) C´mon we have to change and be Real! and not a copy of the quotes you read in a magazine or the portrait you like on Playboy... :) this is here for the record LOL! to not forget to Evolve! = LOVE phew...I breathe... Time to sleep
Seeing the results of my will to get what I want its and obsession. Not a bad one, but I am really enjoying the way I am evolving in this daily rutine I am making, my body its happy; I can see it happy cause I can get through the work out and not like in my teen years where it was very heavy for me to reach some posture; specially in yoga. Its so great ! My body is responding and I see the changes! I am revealing the secrets of the universe lol! Its the way I feel it. Yes, the first step in myself its the idea, getting the will to make it real, live that energy, be that energy and manifest it - and the special ingredient is Enjoying all you do! I was watching these videos,..my homeopaths know this guy that do conferences about helping people to achieve their goals and they are doing live-youtube-conferences and they are free so I was able to watch them and I am learning a lot. Today they said that Happiness its evolution. Making things that makes you happy leads you to ENJOY all that you do so you no matter what, so you stop feelings, thoughts and emotions around it. Also no judgements at all - cause judging its a justification. I was surprised yes, cause not only Desteni says this, everyone does and I see that succesful people do this and they are getting and achieving great things and I want that also ! I want to be better every day. So....What I am doing? I am doing what I never did. Enjoying things and instead of distracting myself in sad feelings and emotions, judgements about the things I did in the past that sometimes hunts me I decided to move myself and to do something different. Its awsome I ´ve stopped secong thoughts about standing and getting my work-.out done. I am enjoying cause i am seeing the results and everyday i see me in the mirror I see a new me :D I wanna be better each day and achieve the goals I have in my mind, or anything that my souls wants without any limits like I had in my past. I see that I am my worst enemy, i am the one sabotaging myself everytime, feeling I don´t deserve things, saying myself that I am evil and that sort of things and I don´t want that anymore ¬¬° I want to be everything...a dancer, an actress, a designer, a genius, a mother, a father, a friend, an sculptor, a painter, a writer .... lol :) Limits are in my head....
Today I started my rutine/schedule of waking up - although I didnpt wake up very very early - to clean the house, to eat, to see what must be done in my house and then I chillled about an hour and I start doing my work-out. I indeed began to have fun when I do my rutine of excercises. They really hurt but I want to trascend comfort zones and I push myseld to the limit indeed. I see myself getting better everyday. Also all these its a way to clean my head of bad thoughts and feelings. Its a therapy for me. I am in a competition with me, only with me. Focusing in others makes me participate in bad thoughts and abuse for me and for others. I tend to feel bad with me due to being at this stage in my life and not having an stable job, a house for my own, my dreams all accomplished. But I do enjoy my life. Its cool, I want to have more things and have more places to go to have fun and to know more people ...oh so many things.... :) I also realised today that when everything seems as lost something come up and make me see that life never leaves me and if life doesn´t give up on me, I won´t do it.
My life in this moment is rutinary cause I have to take care of my money while I find a new job. But this week seems its going to be very useful for me and very fun with the people I love - here in my city or far away. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to give up due to hearing to the back-chats in my head that says thay its very late for me and to achieve great things. I realise, see and understand that its never too late and I am learing to be better every day and I with the only one I have to compare my life with its with me, with anyone else cause this its my process and I cannot live what others has to live. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad and depressed due to not observing changes in my life the way I want to see them but I see, realise and understand that it is gradual and it has to be with me moving myself in this reality to see and observe how my world changes. I forgive myself and accepting and allowing myself to give up when something its not the way I want. I have to see, realise and understand that things take time and everything will come. I compromise myself to stop bad habits within myself I compromise myself to stop participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions that are not assisting me in any way to stand and to move myself from my comfort zones I am really happy being here and I indeed want to change. It has been a process of standing and falling but every stage I have had made me stronger. And this is it. I have to do it now cause I see the things I am missing and the person I can be.
I fall again into this same pattern of feeling depressed due to many things happening in my life. I lost another job, and I felt very sad due to loosing again a good assistance for me while I was searching to have better opportunities in my life...I will leave it here cause I don´t want to again do the same I do like complaining or feeling stupid and judging myself. Within this months I have been learning how to stand again, and now from zero. I really had these days where I didn´t had money to eat and I don´t want to continue like it anymore. I try to think and think, analyze and analyze why the money has not being "benevolent" with me lol, but I have been seeing my behaviour in the last years and well, yes I was very very resisting to make a change and to make an effort to be a difference due to observing the same bullshit in my life and in the world. I was feeling tired of fighting and fighting., but I have realized that I am doing this only for me, I am not saying I don´t care about others but I have been doing everything since outside to the inside... Well. I have learned I am a fighter and I will continue fighting and stopping these consequences I have been creating in my life where I ended up abusing myself accepting limitations. When I decided to stopped myself assiting me everything stopped as well. No jobs, no money, not even people that wanted to buy me the knitted stuff I make. So interesting indeed. But I started doing things different. I started with a simple thing. Just something different and that was moving myself, making a routine. I hate routines. I didn´t like them, but I have observed everyone should have one. Everyone that is succesfull has a routine/schedule, a way to order things in their life and they are consistent and they follow their own rules. Rules implemented by them to stablish things in their reality. So I did it. I started to make a routine of excercises and I have been moving myself within this 3 weeks and I feel different indeed. I have started with a little effort and now I don´t feel its an effort, I feel it as an enjoyment to be better and to change. So...yeah, its a pattern in me....I don´t finish many of the things I start, I am not disciplined. and due to that I feel awful, I am very very hard on myself and I continuously say myself negative things, but I don´t want that anymore. So again...lol...I am standing and falling ...I hate that ! but I am here and my life has to change now. It is now or now cause really my life has been a mess.
Facebook has this feature that shows you what you were doing in the past years in the same day - and I have been opening this feature to see my posts years ago...and I realised I was a very stupid person. I used to write posts that were very sarcastic and abusive indeed, specially directed to a person who was in my life in that period of my life. I was starting to feel very attracted to boys and they were also wanted to get close to me, I didn´t had any prior experiences because the boys I liked didn´t feel anything about me or they just wanted to be my friends. I was in this job where I met a guy I liked cause he showed and interest in me and at the same time I was knowing a guy in facebook with which I enjoyed a lot talking about many topics and he was so interesting and open to many topics and he indeed opened a new world for me in experiences and knowledge. I was enjoying a lot having his company through the web and I was learning how to be patient, I didn´t wanted to rush and he was also not much available in terms of going out with me; we just had comunication through facebook, skype and whatsapp although he lives in the same city. The other guy was in my job and I saw him everyday and I was getting fond of him. Both had something in common in a way - they didn´t want a serious relationship. The guy I met in my job had a long distance "serious" relationship and I felt uncomfortable by going out with him knowing he had already a girlfriend so I stopped going out with him and the other guy enjoyed having more than one relationships. I reacted a lot to this. My principles, morals, all my mental programs began to create a chaos within me and I fucked everything. I did pushed them away from me. And its sad because I miss specially one of them. But in fact in fact I did learned a lot about me. I create intimacy within me and I see myself very differently, Indeed I have changed many thoughts, beliefs, there are other points that I am learning to forgive and to let it go. So, with this facebook feature I saw what I was in that period of time and I sucked indeed. I reacted to the point he wanted to go out with many girls, specially married ones and I felted disgusted after several times of going to his house and being with him, to imagine him seeing them and being also with me. The chaos began when I realised I was getting used to him and I wanted to accept his way of living although I felted I was just another one. Like I said I learned a lot, they were precious teachers but...I lost people,,,and its the worst part...loosing people for stupid emotions and feelings....I promised myself not to get to close to anyone else and I considered having like an open relationship but still the feeling of having just one person by my side is there....and its cool to have just one partner to experience all, to fly, to dance, to move and to accept each other beyond boundaries, Maybe if I have an agreement with everyone, with all, I will prevent loosing people, and I will have them in my life for ever...but these its still ego and possession....I know they have to go someday. No matter if its soon or later. Today those memories fill my head again and I feel so ashamed and so sad, he was not an ordinary guy and well, I think more fondly and maybe I feel this way cause I had intimacy with him and he was the first one...so, its normal...these happens with the first person you met in your life. So, this removes all specialness and again it just remains ME in the equation, it was ME being with ME, and it was cool....and I want to know more and see ME in other people. And I remember them with gratitude indeed, although I miss them and the intention to keep them in my life deteriorate everything ...but I learned and that´s what its important right ? :( It´s like grabing a bird with the desire of keeping it in a cage knowing that this bird its and has to be free, and so you have to learn and enjoy its flight and to love them being free. That´s the way way, i guess, i want to love someone and to be loved in return..... And this has assisted me to be better and to enjoy instead of rushing things, life its a great teacher and everything flows and everything comes in time to keep learning and standing up. And I don´t want ever to possess anyone and to change anyone. I am not afraid of being alone, cause I love me a lot, and people that come to my life or go of it are very welcome. I keep learning, which is cool :D! That´s all I want to learn and keep flying and living So indeed past is an assistance to realise many things and to keep it as a point of reference....I don´t want to do the same mistakes again and I am keeping it simple with people that comes in my life every day. I indeed was abusive in a way to protect myself from his abusive manners but I reacted in a bad way - not practical. I will correct myself
