Facebook has this feature that shows you what you were doing in the past years in the same day - and I have been opening this feature to see my posts years ago...and I realised I was a very stupid person. I used to write posts that were very sarcastic and abusive indeed, specially directed to a person who was in my life in that period of my life.
I was starting to feel very attracted to boys and they were also wanted to get close to me, I didn´t had any prior experiences because the boys I liked didn´t feel anything about me or they just wanted to be my friends. I was in this job where I met a guy I liked cause he showed and interest in me and at the same time I was knowing a guy in facebook with which I enjoyed a lot talking about many topics and he was so interesting and open to many topics and he indeed opened a new world for me in experiences and knowledge. I was enjoying a lot having his company through the web and I was learning how to be patient, I didn´t wanted to rush and he was also not much available in terms of going out with me; we just had comunication through facebook, skype and whatsapp although he lives in the same city.
The other guy was in my job and I saw him everyday and I was getting fond of him.
Both had something in common in a way - they didn´t want a serious relationship. The guy I met in my job had a long distance "serious" relationship and I felt uncomfortable by going out with him knowing he had already a girlfriend so I stopped going out with him and the other guy enjoyed having more than one relationships. I reacted a lot to this. My principles, morals, all my mental programs began to create a chaos within me and I fucked everything. I did pushed them away from me.
And its sad because I miss specially one of them. But in fact in fact I did learned a lot about me. I create intimacy within me and I see myself very differently, Indeed I have changed many thoughts, beliefs, there are other points that I am learning to forgive and to let it go.
So, with this facebook feature I saw what I was in that period of time and I sucked indeed. I reacted to the point he wanted to go out with many girls, specially married ones and I felted disgusted after several times of going to his house and being with him, to imagine him seeing them and being also with me. The chaos began when I realised I was getting used to him and I wanted to accept his way of living although I felted I was just another one.
Like I said I learned a lot, they were precious teachers but...I lost people,,,and its the worst part...loosing people for stupid emotions and feelings....I promised myself not to get to close to anyone else and I considered having like an open relationship but still the feeling of having just one person by my side is there....and its cool to have just one partner to experience all, to fly, to dance, to move and to accept each other beyond boundaries,
Maybe if I have an agreement with everyone, with all, I will prevent loosing people, and I will have them in my life for ever...but these its still ego and possession....I know they have to go someday. No matter if its soon or later.
Today those memories fill my head again and I feel so ashamed and so sad, he was not an ordinary guy and well, I think more fondly and maybe I feel this way cause I had intimacy with him and he was the first one...so, its normal...these happens with the first person you met in your life. So, this removes all specialness and again it just remains ME in the equation, it was ME being with ME, and it was cool....and I want to know more and see ME in other people. And I remember them with gratitude indeed, although I miss them and the intention to keep them in my life deteriorate everything ...but I learned and that´s what its important right ? :(
It´s like grabing a bird with the desire of keeping it in a cage knowing that this bird its and has to be free, and so you have to learn and enjoy its flight and to love them being free. That´s the way way, i guess, i want to love someone and to be loved in return.....
And this has assisted me to be better and to enjoy instead of rushing things, life its a great teacher and everything flows and everything comes in time to keep learning and standing up. And I don´t want ever to possess anyone and to change anyone. I am not afraid of being alone, cause I love me a lot, and people that come to my life or go of it are very welcome.
I keep learning, which is cool :D!
That´s all I want to learn and keep flying and living
So indeed past is an assistance to realise many things and to keep it as a point of reference....I don´t want to do the same mistakes again and I am keeping it simple with people that comes in my life every day. I indeed was abusive in a way to protect myself from his abusive manners but I reacted in a bad way - not practical. I will correct myself
I was watching videos on you-tube and of Jim Carrey , he is my favourite actor - and also he is an inspiration for me due to the thingd he have done to stand up and do amazing tihings with his life. In the last years he has been supporting new age movements and spreading messages about spiriualism and also information to change the world..etc.
I again watched his videos talking of purpose and inspiration and about the Law of Atraction, and visualization and I stumbled upon another one that list his 10 steps to success and again I had this motivation to start doing that....I did it in the past...believing all this information and wanting to achieve my dreams, but I started to be negative cause I didn´t see any changes in my life and also my mom struggled about money ( she still do ) and I felt very sad because I wanted to help her. So, I forget about that also due to not being very consistent and distracting myself with other things as I look them more important than sitting and writting and planning how to create my life....
and I have seen that when I really push myself to achieve something, I get it.
In the past, I used to ...kind of make my list of wishes, or write a letter with my dreams and then burn that page and spread the ashes in the wind with that intention of having it already and then erasing that from my mind and in a way life has given me those things...not exactly as I have written them but they come true.
I have read a lot of information and also I find people that shares me their experiences with this actions ...like if they were saying me in a way " Don´t forget and do it".
Yes, fear cross my path. Fears of not asking my wish in the correct form and making a big mistake and getting the opposite...and you have to be careful of what you wish, but I saw Jim carrey´s experiences and this moved me to continue changing myself and creating my life the way I want.
The other day I read this phrase that made an echo within myself, it said that life doesn´t have to change but us...so I have to stop thinking that life is going to change...I have to change....
Starting to merge in this arenas in my mind makes me start saying to myself things as:
"we are running out of time"
"I don´t even know what to ask"
"we should´ve done it when we were more younger or when we had more money or when..."
and then the "IF´S " starts and I start to feel sad and i loose forces within myself...but these has to end because I want to achieve my dreams...i have many and my talent is wasting.
So, what I have learned through the years is that you have to have the intention, and act like you already have the things you want...you have to feel the experience of having what you want, you have to see yourself in that experience/thing/person etc.
So the first thing I have to Stand as is as Consistency.
Within this decision of being consistent is realizing I am not longer a child....yes, I have been enjoying my life, observing, playing ( in a good way ) and mostly I had run of making a commitment cause I don´t want to stay in a place a lot of time due to wanting toexplore more and more and I think that while I am in just one single place in another one I can experience other stuff...dumb thoughts...lol...this doesn´t happens with people, cause I don´t get fed up of people and I love my friends and family...I am loyal and I will be loyal in a relationship/agreement If I have one for the first time...lol..how odd ...I feel like and alien when I see myself with any experiences in relation to having a partner...blah...but its ok, cause I want something real.... :)
So I will continue to change my mind programming and I will start being a creator, no fears anymore and I know the information...have the tools...i have been observing and I guess I can act now a little bit more....and I am decided to be open to new experiences, to more people that appears as life-teachers so I can create day by day my own heaven so I can create a heaven for others also!
So yes, dreams come true and stars listens to your wishes and then they go and whisper in the ears of the Universe and it conspires with all the laws in heaven and earth for you to have all what you want....all that can support life, of course!!! if not Universe won´t help you! Has to be good wishes and dreams
video of Jim Carrey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjeZUf1QG6Y
