lunes, 18 de abril de 2016

Day # 294 -- Past as assistance

Facebook has this feature that shows you what you were doing in the past years in the same day - and I have been opening this feature to see my posts years ago...and I realised I was a very stupid person. I used to write posts that were very sarcastic and abusive indeed, specially directed to a person who was in my life in that period of my life. 
I was starting to feel very attracted to boys and they were also wanted to get close to me, I didn´t had any prior experiences because the boys I liked didn´t feel anything about me or they just wanted to be my friends.  I was in this job where I met a guy I liked cause he showed and interest in me and at the same time I was knowing a guy in facebook with which I enjoyed a lot talking about many topics and he was so interesting and open to many topics and he indeed opened a new world for me in experiences and knowledge. I was enjoying a lot having his company through the web and I was learning how to be patient, I didn´t wanted to rush and he was also not much available in terms of going out with me; we just had comunication through facebook, skype and whatsapp although he lives in the same city.
The other guy was in my job and I saw him everyday and I was getting fond of him.
Both had something in common in a way - they didn´t want a serious relationship. The guy I met in my job had a long distance "serious" relationship and I felt uncomfortable by going out with him knowing he had already a girlfriend so I stopped going out with him and the other guy enjoyed having more than one relationships. I reacted a lot to this. My principles, morals, all my mental programs began to create a chaos within me and I fucked everything. I did pushed them away from me. 

And its sad because I miss specially one of them. But in fact in fact I did learned a lot about me. I create intimacy within me and I see myself very differently, Indeed I have changed many thoughts, beliefs, there are other points that I am learning to forgive and to let it go.

So, with this facebook feature I saw what I was in that period of time and I sucked indeed. I reacted to the point he wanted to go out with many girls, specially married ones and I felted disgusted after several times of going to his house and being with him,  to imagine him seeing them and being also with me. The chaos began when I realised I was getting used to him and I wanted to accept his way of living although I felted I was just another one. 

Like I said I learned a lot,  they were precious teachers  but...I lost people,,,and its the worst part...loosing people for stupid emotions and feelings....I promised myself not to get to close to anyone else and I considered having like an open relationship but still the feeling of having just one person by my side is there....and its cool to have just one partner to experience all, to fly, to dance, to move and to accept each other beyond boundaries, 

Maybe if I have an agreement with everyone, with all, I will prevent loosing people, and I will have them in my life for ever...but these its still ego and possession....I know they have to go someday. No matter if its soon or later. 

Today those memories fill my head again and I feel so ashamed and so sad, he was not an ordinary guy and well, I think more fondly and maybe I feel this way cause I had intimacy with him and he was the first, its normal...these happens with the first person you met in your life. So, this removes all specialness and again it just remains ME in the equation, it was ME being with ME, and it was cool....and I want to know more and see ME in other people. And I remember them with gratitude indeed, although I miss them and the intention to keep them in my life deteriorate everything ...but I learned and that´s what its important right ? :(  

It´s like grabing a bird with the desire of keeping it in a cage knowing that this bird its and has to be free, and so you have to learn and enjoy its flight and to love them being free. That´s the way way, i guess, i want to love someone and to be loved in return.....

And this has assisted me to be better and to enjoy instead of rushing things, life its a great teacher and everything flows and everything comes in time to keep learning and standing up. And I don´t want ever to possess anyone and to change anyone. I am not afraid of being alone, cause I love me a lot, and people that come to my life or go of it are very welcome. 

I keep learning, which is cool :D! 

That´s all I want to learn and keep flying and living 
So indeed past is an assistance to realise many things and to keep it as a point of reference....I don´t want to do the same mistakes again and I am keeping it simple with people that comes in my life every day.  I indeed was abusive in a way to protect myself from his abusive manners but I reacted in a bad way - not practical. I will correct myself 

1 comentario:

  1. Thanks J. I can definitely relate to this experience of thinking of myself as stupid, and relationships...ooh!...but lately there was a turning point in my life where I just...I don't know what happened really, maybe I got too tired of thinking of myself as stupid and I decided to adopt a different attitude towards life, I decided to start learning from that and embracing takes time and ups and downs....I don't know how to explain it, but starting to value myself and loving myself is one of the best things that has happened to me in all these years, and I don't plan on going back!- keep walking, keep learning, I'm with you in this road.