Day # 300 -- The fear of loosing people in my life

I am going to write about the point I see I am participating in lately that is my fear of loosing people.
I like to be close to people, although I am not very social, I like to keep my circle of friends small. Horoscope says that Capricorns are very social, but not me. 
I like to be around people that I can be myself and big circle of people tends to get me anxious and I distract and I am not very fond of that. 
I have noticed my idea also of not being very very close to people to protect me from being hurt.
 I also, kind of  feel guilty when I loose contact with people, I tend to feel I am the one that ruin the relationship. I am very hard on myself sometimes. All these is related to past events in my life where I was not accepted totally due to me being very shy and insecure about myself, I received rejection due to feeling rejection of my self, i wanted to be different than who I was so yes, I received the same energy. So I began to be a people pleaser, I didn´t wanted to enter in any conflict at all. With the Desteni tools I began to develop more security and to stop pleasing people, and I don´t care anymore if they like me or not,...

Well...thats a short intro - lol.
But yes, due to past events I have developed a fear of abandonment - although I enjoy being alone and stuff, but when I meet someone special, I inmediately think I will loose them someday and that makes me sad so I prefer not making anyone special or getting used to people and also places, situations etc. I feel that when you do this - placing someone in an special position - you are signing an inevitable end. The other people - the normal ones - friends, co-workers, people you don´t get along with - are in a safe position cause you are not tagging them with that feelings and emotions but, yes, I know, people needs to get closer to other people to connect and assist themselves and for example in agreements - having that one person to rely on and to support each other and to know you better, cause yes, i have seen that I know myself better when I create intimacy with my closest friends (  I am not talking about sex - lol ) its about being open and transparent and sharing with them several things to get support

I realise that feeling abandoned or fearing being alone is separation, its a deshonesty and abuse I am feeding in me. And its ego also. Nobody belongs to anyone, but it can be cool to kind of "belong" to one person and make him/her your support in this life.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be remain in comfort zones at meeting people due to fear of being hurt/judged and abandoned at some stage in my life so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to show who I really am to others and to share unconditionally to my extern reality.
I see, realise and understand the separation I am accepting and allowing within me and within others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feed the idea in my mind that people will go in some stage in life and remain in that idea/feeling and emotion during my relationship wiith them instead of enjoying their presence in my life.
I see, realise and understand we are all here. It doesn´t matter if it´s far or near, they are all here.

Yes, sometimes you can´t force the relationships and you have to stop seeing certain people due to several points but that´s all separation due to participation in the mind - feelings, emotions - and feeding the pre-programmed systems in ourselves



Reading this blog assisted me a lot to realise how we have been creating our relationships:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-14-do-you-love-breakups.html