I found someone that is going to be there for me Always,
I found someone that is not going to play with me ,
someone that is here; accountable, visible, honest and complete
I found someone I can count on
I found someone that is walking the same journey as me
I found someone that is here no matter what,
someone that is my support, my assistance, my anchor, my company
I found someone that is walking the same process as me
That someone is ME!
I am stopping the desires of having a relationship of distracting myself in those desires and wants.
I know that maybe someday I am going to make an agreement with another person but again I realise that with the first one I am going to make this agreement first is with me.
Also there are a lot of people with whom I can make an agreement - friends, family, group members - the agreement of Being here as this process to assist and support me and others and the entire world to make a change.
These situations I have lived has assisted me to realise how much I have been distracting myself waiting for that "special need" and yes, I really want someone with whom I can assist myself in that way but I´ll also work on that point - I´ll not sit and wait for the world to put me in my way someone as that, I´ll work for that ..lol..
But today, I realised again that I have an agreement with me and I have been distracting and waiting and desiring and dreaming with something with who I can feel and participate in the same systems etc.
So yes, I found someone
I find ME :D!
Ok, here I am again to report what I have been walking within these days.
I haven´t been writing but I have been reading Desteni material and watching videos and reading the forums to again align myself to this path.
I have to stop the pattern within me of looking this process as something separate from me because I have realised is something mine. Is a decision I have taken since I met Desteni and I am not going to stop this.
Yes, I´ll be again taking baby steps. Slowly due to starting things with the energy of enthusiasm and then - due to this - not completing things.
I have to again Stand.
Well, this is a short blog but I´ll share more later.
Hello,
well, I am continuing here with the "report" of the week. I´ll be making one blog in English every week so I can share with All, and not only with the ones who speaks spanish how my process is going :)
This week has been full of points to work with.
Again I have been participating in many emotions in relation to feel myself locked in my house, within myself due to not finding a job although I have been moving myself into looking for one...
There is a course I´ll be doing in this month --is a free course that is given by the government to help people to have more tools for finding a job and they give you a monetary assistance if you complete it. So, I am looking forward to go to this course to support myself in this process of having a job and stepping out of this mess.
Like I said this week has been full of point to work with: I observed the point of making assumptions within a relationship I have with a friend. I felt insecure because he didn´t answer my facebook messages and I thought he didn´t wanted to talk with me anymore. So, I participated also in being impulsive and texting him in a dramatic way - lol. I felt very bad with that experience that has been a consequence of all this eppisode with the boy I met and with the job I didn´t completed.
I have been writting all this week in spanish, moving myself to write and assist myself with this and expressing all what I have been walking through these days and I have felt with less weight but yesterday and today I participated in all this stress and anxiety again, the thoughts of wanting to die and seeing this as the only solution possible.
I want to find a job and find a way to get out of my house, being independent, finding a department or a house - I don´t know, simply I want to find my life and I have been having difficulties with my mom due to this. I observe she thinks in herself only, she says she understand me but indeed she doesn´t. I am very grateful that she is supporting me in having me here in my house, but I kind of see that also she likes it like this, because she in a way can control me - she tells me the way she will felt if I go and I see that she wants me to be always with her as she was with my grandmother. My mom didn´t do his life due to being with my grandmother and also with me. And well, I am not going to dissapear or let my mom alone but I don´t want to be as her.
We have been going with a psychologist and she also sees my mom this way. I didn´t wanted to see my mom this way but in fact is like that, and well, I also have a responsability in this due to not stepping out of my confort zone and being dependent of others. I realise this with my mom, and also with my friends, I thought I was not dependant, but in a way I am due to beliving I am alone and also I fear this because I don´t want to manipulate others but I feel left aside, betrayed also with myself due to observing I accept many things due to not being alone, left aside and being accepted....
With this friend I have in facebook I feel with a company cause we use to talk several times in the week and now he has stopped writting and I feel alone and the emptiness in my life. We have been talking as that since January and the last month the relationship was more close and now he just dissapears and also I feel sad, and insecure again thinking that was due to something I did. I really miss him although I know is an illusion and I don´t have to depend in others to be ok. But, I enjoyed his companionship all this months.
I don´t want to feel all the things I felt when M. stepped out of my life. I stopped eating and I had panic attacks and a lot of mess I accepted and allowed within myself due to that desire of having a relationship and then observing that he didn´t wanted something serious and I wasn´t important also because in a few days he found another girl and I just was named like a "sister" by him, I thought that I was going to have a nice relation with him but no, again the same...just another friend in facebook and just that...any contact at all.
In the past I didn´t placed a lot of importance if people talked to me or not, I enjoyed being here at home and I just played a movie or music and I felt ok. Now is different, I feel trapped, I feel claustrophobic, I want to go out and be all the day outside my house, But I can´t...I have no money...I have to ask my mom and she cannot give me a lot of money cause we have other priorities. I want to make my crochet stuff but I can´t because is another activity I have to do locked in my house...., then my mom makes me feel I am sick, and when I tell her what I want to do she says I can´t due to my mental issues....LOL..is a vicious cicle! I have to make radical changes and the only thing my mind says is "kill yourself". I see it as the only way through but....I am not brave enough to take that step....
But I am here and indeed I want to step out of all this mess. Correct all the consequences, Accept my responsability in all I have made and all I haven´t.
Thanks for reading and being here. I´ll continue next week.
Hello, I am writting here so you all can read what has happenned with me in this months.
Literally I throw away my process - at least I felt that way.
As some of you know I was looking for a job, so I found one and I went very excited and with the best attitude to be there and stand within this part within my life - having a job, being consistent and surviving in the system and also to support myself in reaching more goals and experiences - I was indeed happy being there and also knowing people and going out of my house, having another perspective of life and seeing other things besides my house, dogs, internet, etc.
There I knew I a boy - I began to know him and I was very interested due to his interest in me. We went out, he kissed me, we again went out; more kisses but I stopped the relationship due to fears, ideas and opinions. He had a girlfriend in other country and I saw It was not honest for me to follow with this and also observing me that I wanted to follow just to loose my virginity and he just to have sex; the virginity illusion is something that is bothering me. LOL!
Within this I really felt very bad due to being my first kind of "relationship" ( or approach) ..my first kiss...my first approach to someone that was interested in me...More illusions in fact. Observing this I fell more in the deep due to my deshonesty, I was feeling very dissapointed with myself and I still am....
All this together with the failure I felt with stopping working there and not seeing a way out of this mess I really fell in a depression. I participated in suicidal ideas, ( I still have them but I am taking medication ), I was cutting myself to release the anger, the fears, the anxiety.
Yes, I should´ve ask for help in Desteni but I am still in this patterns of keeping all within myself thinking that I am bothering people and also thinking that anyone can help me to get out of this tramp.
Through the days I have been working with this demons...not a lot I am sincere...due to desires of really stopping everything and dying. I really wanted to die, to go, to leave.
Few days ago I saw this guy again. Again he kissed me and we talked. I saw the illusion I made to myself due to the desire of having a relationship and to not seeing the reality within relationships right now - is all about sex, self interest and any support.
The other part is with the job stuff. I haven´t found anything and is very hard and I am feeling more angry and anxious due to not seeing a way through.
I enjoy selling my crochet stuff but also that has been a tough work to do...I feel anxious and weird....
Yes, this pattern of starting and falling is recurrent in my process. A system I have to work with.
Not completing things, not being stable and distracting myself with images in my mind, desires to have a relationship, the feeling of loneliness, the anxiety of not doing what I want and the inner anger with myself for being so dumb!
I really don´t understand anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions of depression and invalidating myself through comparing myself to the life of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other´s life and fantasize with being them due to unvalidating my life to the utmost that I desire to have what they have - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that is very late to correct myself and my life and to feel fear in relation to my future within this world.
I forgive myselfg that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel there is not solution for me and so participating in suicidal ideas and desires to leave this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself and to be dishonest due to wanting to be as others and through thinking that others are better than me.
I commit myself to show myself the value I have and to push myself to stand and to continue supporting myself alone or with others,
I commit myself to stop paying more attention to others and to accept myself as who I am, to be honest with my decisions, to stop regrets and sadness, and to have responsability of all what I accept and allow within myself.
I commit myself to stand as consistency. I commit myself to show myself I can do this.
I commit myself to stop the desires and wishes of throwing all away and being as other people.
( i´ll follow this in my spanish blog)
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In my blog in Spanish I have been walking 21 days to remove a pattern. For me it has been like an investigation. An Investigation to see in where areas I am still being dependent and defining myself with and as the system.
So, I have been settling down within this - assisting with my cell-phone as an alarm to wake up after 6 hours of sleep and of course, with my breath!!.
I haven´t been exact - in waking up in the mornings but I have been working in the points that leads me to suppress my reality.
I have been again realizing that I pressure myself very much and I give a lot of attention to this as Energy - stress, tenseness, tension .... CONcentration! yes, that´s the word.
The more I CON-centrate in this the more I fail. Why? 'cause it has been since that Starting point of pressure. Wanting to change, wanting to do something I have been postponing and wanting to do something that I never complete. I mean that I have this pattern of not completing things within and as my life.
So, today I have this crisis again. The fears, the doubts, seeing me in the future with nothing that is completely mine. This was triggered by an order I had to do in crochet - my client was giving me a lot of excuses in relation to the doll I was making and I exploded and I told to myself that I was going
to stop doing this things - participating in the back-chats of :"I ´ve had enough of this; I don´t sell my products the way I have to, I give them very cheap, I don´t have the money I want. So I will just CONcentrate in the job I am doing in the web and in the meantime I will search for another one. I need the F. Money".
So, I went to talk to my mom - she gave me solutions and options but I didn´t wanted to hear. So again - wanting to hide, wanting to run and wanting to participate in self-pity.
I stayed in my room for a while - breathing and observing me again in this pattern and my behaviors and this program inside me that makes me throw everything away and start in other area.
So, I open my laptop and I started watching the videos that I didn´t watched in the Heaven´s Journey to Life Blogs and then reading other member blog´s and Bernard´s Blog - Creation Journey to Life and again made myself aware of my breath and start applying SF with the examples in HJTL blogs and I realized - in addition of what I wrote yesterday in my spanish blog - that I keep defining myself as systems. I know I am one; I have been participating in them since I was born - and knowing those systems I have realized I am not a MCS - but in allowing them here as me - one and equal as me - I am indeed a system, and so my reality becomes a mess and i create consequences. And also I realized that with wanting to reject them again I am going into separation and not giving a solution to myself.
So, I began being aware of my breath where I realized the solution to the trigger point that drove me to the same
'mental-state' - a simple one! so I gave to my client the solution and to myself also - not abandoning this little business that I have and to keep with the solutions I put for me: Assisting myself with this job I found in the internet which a friend recommended me and to then completing my studies. I haven´t received a payment yet, but my friend says they pay so I am calmed. lol. So with that, assisting my mom as before and searching for and to study Homeopathy. Is a process I will walk. And I have to build the way to this decision.
Ok, well, this is a review of some points that I have been walking and correcting within me.
I again commit myself to not fall and to hide and to run. As I always do and also to not see things with my mind´s eyes - which is the thing I do always.
Thanks for reading,
...So, as part of the process - to Find within Yourself a ‘spec of life’ and eventually Birth Yourself as the Tree of Life to ‘Bear the Fruit of Life’: You’re going to have to Changethe Constitution of Yourself, you’re going to have to Genetically Modify yourself as Organism, become a GMO, Modifying yourself to That Which is Best for All Life. If you don’t, you’re Doomed by Yourself and Only You are Responsible. Even those Affected by Others, You Remain Responsible to What Happens ‘Within you’, Who you are, What you Allow or What you Accept – that is simple Science, it is Mathematics, it is the Function of Reality...
Creation´s Journey to Life
Not liking to receive, not liking to Give...and...not liking to Give and so not Receiving.
This words came up within and as myself investigating more about this physical consequence of the bronchial asthma I have.
I see myself receiving things without resistance and when is my turn to give I breath deep and I like of shorten my breath - I still see here a lot of self-interest within myself and resistances to forgive and forget past events in my life.
I am walking my relationship with my mom in my Spanish blog and today I came here to do it in English. I have realised the way I define the relationship I have with my mom and the way I define me within this relation. Is all about my perceptions and ideas and past events that I haven´t released within myself - with her and others.
Today I was very uncomfortable with this illness that I caused within myself - fear of dying and also the other polarity of wanting/desiring to having a break and giving a final blow of breath in all of these and so giving up again. Seeing me in that path of going/hiding or continuing here to support myself like I have decided to do. But, I see that I always take the easy way-out of things and so I am here and well, I am standing and not hearing my mind this time and although it seems like everything is collapsing and I am facing me for the very first time - and is not a 'good...or 'bad' face...but is a face I haven´t seen in my whole life. LOl - is always about fear in my life -- specially in compromising myself with me and with others...within this then I feel guilt and I feel sad and those are the feelings I don´t want to feel and due to knowing myself - as the mind - I prefer also isolating ...
Ok, so I am here again - cleaning me as a house - making a deep clean within and as myself and stand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance within and as changing myself due to holding in this back-chat that "is more easy to continue as I am than moving things that I have under the carpet - saying "those things as secrets are there for something, who I am to move that?" - "this is not going to help me" - " I am not changing" - "I fall and I don´t correct myself even if I write a bible of Self-Forgiveness" - "I am like this and I am not going to change so easy".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional energetic movements so I can fuel this victim character I have created - Instead of moving myself to do it, instead of whining and making a fuss out of everything - standing as the Presence of Myself in Every breath and so stopping me from over-analizing everything as the mind without considering the physical reality as myself here.
I realise this is a Pre-programmed system infused within myself from one of my parents - which I know is my father! and So, So, is not who I am. Is a pre-programmed system inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the mind C, systems, to give it attention and value and to think and feel I am this mind and I can control it - I realise that I want to control it in separation of myself and not taming me and directing myself in the simplicity in every breath.
So, I realise that I am being again hard towards myself wanting/desiring to see a 'great' change to believe in me and so giving value to all, limiting myself as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as the ego of the mind and participate in spitefulness within and as myself and so with all and everyone within my environment.
A back-chat:
"Why is everything in this world so difficult"/"Why this world was created"/"those that created this 'life' didn´t have anything else to do than fucking people" and now ME has to solve everything...¬¬°
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my back-chats so I can deliberately 'wash my hands' out of my responsibilities and compromises I have with myself and with others and using this words as excuses and as a way to hide and whining instead of standing and walking through this mind-demons pre-programmed inside myself and fuelled by me within and as this participation/attention I give to them.
I have a Choice in every moment of my breath - being here as myself to walk what´s Best for All in Every Action, word and deed.
So, who is going to decide me or my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a resistance/movement inside myself when I read this words in relation to choices and being responsable and all - due to not having self-trust and really being here in oneness and equality within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this nastiness with all related to correcting and changing one self.
I stop me as this emotions and feelings - I realise and see this is not me - is my mind resisting/making me resist - so distracting myself from what I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in whining and in exaggerations Instead of closing my mouth and moving me as and in the physical to do and make the things I have to do to built my life within and as the foundations of what is Best for All.
I commit myself to unvoice me as my Mind - So the one that talks and expresses a word can be Me as who I am in Every Moment of Every breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy path within and as myself that is the mind - loosing me and separating me as the mind - Instead of being Here. Standing with Everything and All that is me Here in every moment of each breath.
I commit myself to Stop being childish as desires/wants of the mind to hide and play around - Instead of compromising with and as me as Life.
I commit myself to Be responsible - to stop me as illusions in my mind.
I commit myself to establish myself efficiently in this world-system to continue supporting myself in the physical reality.
When and as I see myself participating in resistance, in mind chatting and in nastiness - I stop, I direct myself - I breath and I take me back here as me within and as my physicality. This is what I am - the physical, my breath, my body. I am here.
My mind is not me. I stop the relation with my mind. I embrace it and I transcend it
ok, I´ll be continuing with the first point of wanting everything for me and so, not Giving what I Receive - cause I see that point of wanting others to Give me - I was a princess in my other life or what? Well, a Rotten Child I was...LOL
ok, I´ll be walking more and more
Ok, here I continue with the past blog that was:
" I want to Craft Character"
Yesterday I had time to made some crafts - and well, I observe more dimensions here - as for example the positive energetic reactions I have when I am doing them - I realise in having this reactions as Positive energetic sensations as polarities I am not here in the moment of my physical movements and I am not here present in every moment as the process I am walking to get the craft done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good/ to feel I am 'doing something important within my life/with my day/ with the moments I am doing the crafts and I participate in the back-chat of " I want to do this all my life" within this not giving importance to the reality that is here as me, to the other responsibilities I have to complete within and as me, only by being there as an energetic possessed character that only sees what I doing here as self-interest participating in desires/wants to not being bothered with other mundane points as when my mom says to me "Search for a job in the web instead of being there just wasting my time' or 'those things don´t generate money do something that generates money'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself within a point that is feeding my self-interest and using an activity to distract myself and to feed my mind - Instead of doing it without energetic dependencies - Just Me here in Every breath.
Let´s say "Free" to Enjoy Myself in every breath with no other suppressions and points of postponement. I mean - when I have all the things done - the priority ones completed I can do the things I have as extracurricular points....
Here I am not saying that I rush in the other things to have time for me to feel free and do what I want - no - and also I am not defining my tasks within a polarity of fun and not fun, or the things I like and the ones I don´t.
So; I commit myself to walk all the things I have here in my reality within and as Self-Responsability and Self-attention and also stop Moving myself in a rush so I can 'clean my hands' of the ones I have to do first so I can be 'free' to do the others I like more...
So Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define things/activities/tasks/things that I do for others as less important and within and as the things I do for me I feel and experience myself as free, as like If I am doing something for me .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the activities I do for others as something I am not doing it for me - Instead if Being here as me in every activity and realising that everything Here is ME! and I am all that is here - One and equal to myself.
When and as I see myself separating me from the activities I do - I stop, I breathe and I Embrace everything I do as myself and I do them with that Consideration, Self-responsability.
So Here I Realise, see and Accept that Everything is here - I stop Separating me as Individual from all the things I do, from all the things I walk as the physical - Nothing is a separated point. Everything is here and so, I realise, see and understand that every thing I do is a part of me and so, my mind is the one that is making a difference and a separation making me believe that I am a separate individual that is alien to this world and reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a separated matter from all the things/persons/activities/tasks I do here in my reality and in world and so accepting and allowing that my mind constantly and continuously tells me that I am special, or that I am giving my job as a gift and so thinking that anyone is going to appreciate it..
The other Point I see here is that I place in me a Defence Mechanism and that I am 'Alert' as the mind - participating in that character that is "If this and then this".
Instead of moving myself unconditionally and genuine in every moment.
Ok, the next point I´ll be walking this - the point that unfolds from all this - the point of thinking and feeling that I am Giving my work - as free - making my job for free expecting an award if is not of people - of Life. An Award from Life - ' a good person character' --wow! a lot of dimensions here LOL!
ok, I´ll continue.!!
