Day # 62 -- Not liking to receive, not liking to Give...

Not liking to receive, not liking to Give...and...not liking to Give and so not Receiving.

This words came up within and as myself investigating more about this physical consequence of the bronchial asthma I have.

I see myself receiving things without resistance and when is my turn to give I breath deep and I like of shorten my breath - I still see here a lot of self-interest within myself and resistances to forgive and forget past events in my life.

I am walking my relationship with my mom in my Spanish blog and today I came here to do it in English. I have realised the way I define the relationship I have with my mom and the way I define me within this relation. Is all about my perceptions and ideas and past events that I haven´t released within myself - with her and others.

Today I was very uncomfortable with this illness that I caused within myself - fear of dying and also the other polarity of wanting/desiring to having a break and giving a final blow of breath in all of these and so giving up again. Seeing me in that path of going/hiding or continuing here to support myself like I have decided to do. But, I see that I always take the easy way-out of things and so I am here and well, I am standing and not hearing my mind this time and although it seems like everything is collapsing and I am facing me for the very first time - and is not a 'good...or 'bad' face...but is a face I haven´t seen in my whole life. LOl - is always about fear in my life -- specially in compromising myself with me and with others...within this then I feel guilt and I feel sad and those are the feelings I don´t want to feel and due to knowing myself - as the mind - I prefer also isolating ...

Ok, so I am here again - cleaning me as a house - making a deep clean within and as myself and stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance within and as changing myself due to holding in this back-chat that "is more easy to continue as I am than moving things that I have under the carpet - saying "those things as secrets are there for something, who I am to move that?" - "this is not going to help me" - " I am not changing" - "I fall and I don´t correct myself even if I write a bible of Self-Forgiveness" - "I am like this and I am not going to change so easy".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional energetic movements so I can fuel this victim character I have created - Instead of moving myself to do it, instead of whining and making a fuss out of everything - standing as the Presence of Myself in Every breath and so stopping me from over-analizing everything as the mind without considering the physical reality as myself here.

I realise this is a Pre-programmed system infused within myself from one of my parents - which I know is my father! and So, So, is not who I am. Is a pre-programmed system inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the mind C, systems, to give it attention and value and to think and feel I am this mind and I can control it - I realise that I want to control it in separation of myself and not taming me and directing myself in the simplicity in every breath.
So, I realise that I am being again hard towards myself wanting/desiring to see a 'great' change to believe in me and so giving value to all, limiting myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as the ego of the mind and participate in spitefulness within and as myself and so with all and everyone within my environment.


A back-chat:
"Why is everything in this world so difficult"/"Why this world was created"/"those that created this 'life' didn´t have anything else to do than fucking people" and now ME has to solve everything...¬¬°

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my back-chats so I can deliberately 'wash my hands' out of my responsibilities and compromises I have with myself and with others and using this words as excuses and as a way to hide and whining instead of standing and walking through this mind-demons pre-programmed inside myself and fuelled by me within and as this participation/attention I give to them.

I have a Choice in every moment of my breath - being here as myself to walk what´s Best for All in Every Action, word and deed.

So, who is going to decide me or my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a resistance/movement inside myself when I read this words in relation to choices and being responsable and all - due to not having self-trust and really being here in oneness and equality within and as myself. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this nastiness with all related to correcting and changing one self.
I stop me as this emotions and feelings - I realise and see this is not me - is my mind resisting/making me resist - so distracting myself from what I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in whining and in exaggerations Instead of closing my mouth and moving me as and in the physical to do and make the things I have to do to built my life within and as the foundations of what is Best for All.

I commit myself to unvoice me as my Mind - So the one that talks and expresses a word can be Me as who I am in Every Moment of Every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy path within and as myself that is the mind - loosing me and separating me as the mind - Instead of being Here. Standing with Everything and All that is me Here in every moment of each breath.

I commit myself to Stop being childish as desires/wants of the mind to hide and play around - Instead of compromising with and as me as Life.

I commit myself to Be responsible - to stop me as illusions in my mind.

I commit myself to establish myself efficiently in this world-system to continue supporting myself in the physical reality.

When and as I see myself participating in resistance, in mind chatting and in nastiness - I stop, I direct myself - I breath and I take me back here as me within and as my physicality. This is what I am - the physical, my breath, my body. I am here.
My mind is not me. I stop the relation with my mind. I embrace it and I transcend it


ok, I´ll be continuing with the first point of wanting everything for me and so, not Giving what I Receive - cause I see that point of wanting others to Give me - I was a princess in my other life or what? Well, a Rotten Child I was...LOL

ok, I´ll be walking more and more

Day 59 -- More on Postponement Part 2

REACTION DIMENSION

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a reaction when I see I have to do things in the moment I don´t want - and so participating in postponement - such as feeling and experiencing myself heavy physically and dragging my feet to the place I have to do the thing I have to do and complete
Instead of Moving Myself Physically and getting myself to do it in the breath and so stopping me as reactions and physical movements that shows my behaviour within a negative energetic movement.

I realise, see and understand that this reactions are created by me as the mind since the first point of thinking instead of Moving myself to do in in the moment of the emergence of the task, the point, the home-work etc. - a physical movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and to establish within my body; my physicality a reaction that makes me go into limitation and Energy as polarities such as negativity, neutrality, positivity - so ; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the physical movement within and as an energetic reaction such as negative, neutral, and positive.

I see, realise and understand how the 'Force' in Me is Dependant on Energy and not dependant as What I am as this Physical Movement in Simplicity as Life - I mean, just moving me in the moment, as the breath; one breath in/breath out=Done. The force has to be that Movement in the Moment not thinking and not waiting to the thought to activate as like I am following orders - orders from the mind.

I see, realise and Understand that I am the Force as the mind that makes me Move and that´s why I participate and I go within all the parts of the Character Creation.

When and as I see myself participating in the reaction - if I am here in this phase already - I stop, I breathe and I move myself within and as my physical to complete the things I have to do in the moment

I commit myself to Stand since the very beginning of the character creation with and as the Self-Responsability of realising the consequence of all this Lack of Direction in Every Breath.

When and as I see myself going into the Postponement character - with going first to the fears and thoughts - I stop, I breathe, I stand here having in consideration that If I don´t Direct Myself in the Moment I´ll let my mind to move myself.

I commit myself to Stop here, to stand here and So stopping me from this waiting Character; the one that says: 'Only this One Time' and so sabotaging myself in a Moment of change

Check the Life Review of "Only this One Time".

Día # 56 -- taking things personal

This is a continuation from the blog post number 52


This Character that Analize Everything - So deep in my Mind


Ok, next paragraph


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am wrong in relation to living the way I live, seeing myself as weird and thinking that others are right in saying me that I have to change my life and do the same exact things others do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back-chat: 'What if others are right and I am not living as I have to live' and so within this defining myself and the way I live and so entering to the game of comparing myself to others, feeling less than and so hiding myself, evading people due to the fears of critics and them making me feel weird, creating the manifested consequence that is me suppressing/retracting myself from others and within situations where I can express myself as the way I am without fears and thoughts and emotions that can sabotage the way I am.

I realise see and understand that I am not - as life - different to other people: I am a different expression and I don´t have to be as others to feel more than or less than. Is not a rule that people has to be equals as the mind. I stop defining myself as the mind and I live and express here as me in every moment of every breath.

When and as I see myself going into that mind state where I compare my life to others where I feel and give value and importance to the opinions of others and so feeling different- I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back here. I express myself here as life. I stop me from following ideas, feelings, emotions. That´s not what I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears of being seen as ridicule, as different as weird.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and feel I am different from others - participating in the polarity games of the mind as 'they are better than me and I am less than them' and the other way around - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better due not being as the people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself cause I haven´t lived the same things as others have lived.

I see realise and understand that this ideas, situations and events that I have lived or not lived does not give me more value and importance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry when people thinks that my mom is the one that keeps me in the house and so making me see as someone that is forced to do things that I don´t want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and to feel the necessity to defend my mom and to say them that they are not right.

I realise see and understand that I am taking things personal and these ideas and perceptions are not about me is about them.

When and as I see myself taking things personal I breathe and I stop. I stand clear within and as myself and I stabilize myself here.
I stabilize myself within and as the presence of myself and I stop me as the mind.
.
I can assist others by making them see - not making as a force - but sharing that this points of views are not about me cause they are just giving importance and value to the mind perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow/give value and importance / and participate in the mind perspective where I go to this character that gets offended and takes thinks personal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things, to take words and laughs at others in relation to my way of life as personal.

I see, realise and understand that is not about me is about their fears, ideas, perceptions, prejudices etc.


I´ll continue

Day # 51 -- Digging and Digging in the Mind/Mind Digger

This is a continuation of my 3 last blogs that I did:

* Feeling Disappointed
* Preferences
* Symptoms, Starting Point, Fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and feed scenarios within and as myself when I get sick, or when I feel a pain within myself - going to my mind where I build up possibilities where I see myself with something that I can stop; like a bad illness and making back-chats as 'What if I get sick of this and that', 'What if I die'. 'what I would do if I get sick or If I live that experience, and then I create that energetic movements within and as myself that are the results of those fears that I have created due to going to my mind to 'move' things there -like 'digging' and digging - I realise, see and understand how I distract myself and I entertain myself with acting in my mind.
I see realise and understand this pattern of going into my mind for 'recreation'. Instead of being here within and as myself in and as the Physical. Being here as self-attention. And so stopping this relation with my mind due to believes and ideas that the mind as my thoughts and imaginations are like this 'best friend' that never is going to abandon me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this Curious Character that participates in imaginations/mind-possibilities and where I create questions and where I recreate myself like entertaining me as the mind to not face and embrace me as the Physical.

I commit myself to stop my participation within and as my mind and I bring myself back here where I am Present of Everything that is here. I see, realise and understand that in my mind there´s not anything that I can do to be better. In the mind I am only a slave..like an employee of the mind; that is accepting and allowing the system as it is by thinking and believing - that that is everything that exists - and there´s no other way.

I commit myself to stop my thoughts, feelings and emotions and in imagining myself in scenarios that are fucking within me - I am fucking with myself in going to the mind to do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in myself that pattern/behaviour where I go to the mind to entertain me due to my acceptance and allowance of beliefs, ideas, perceptions that my reality has not value, is not interesting and so, that´s why I prefer to be in the mind - cause there I am what I want to be, what I need to be - but I haven´t considered how my reality is passing by and I am not taking responsability and standing up here.
I realise, see and understand that in my mind I can do everything yes, but I cannot Live there. I haven´t consider that Life is here as the Physical Reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship within my mind where I prefer to be there than here as my Physical.

I am here in the Physical - I am not my mind.

I commit myself to stop my mind-dimensions to Live here in the Physical. I recognize since I was little I believed that my mind was the best place where I can hide and protect myself due to not wanting to see my reality as it is due to perceive it as 'ugly/hostile/bad'.

I commit myself to follow uncovering this here in the writtings, with Self-Forgiveness and my Self Corrections to Stop this dimensions and so Stand here in the Physical so I can Live and see what entails to be alive and so to stop this relationships and links I place between my mind and me.

Yes, I am my mind - but I give it the power and the direction to guide me and so I decided, accepted and allowed to become a Mind Consciousness System.

So, when and as I see myself going into my mind to search for answers, to create more questions that are only distracting myself from me as the Physical Presence - I stop, I breathe and I bring my participation here.
When and as I see myself going into my mind as a way to entertain me/ as a intent of cutting and hiding me from what is here as me - I stop that resistance, I Breathe, I place myself here as myself. I place in the ground, I place myself as the presence of myself in where I am in as the earth and I bring my attention to myself. - I go out of my mind. I continue walking here, I continue facing myself and unrevealing me here.



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Day # 47 -- Moving Slowly

I have been noticing like doing things very slow - yesterday I was cleaning  my house as I usually do and I began observing me; my physical movements very slow I wanted to move more quickly but I couldn´t - well, I didn´t fight against this. I am was working also with tthis 'pace' I have - I use to move myself quickly - I walk quickly, I do things in a rush - due to my impatience, my body get tight and sometimes - due to this rush, I let things fall, I distract and well, I sometimes don´t remember where I put things and sometimes I have catched myself for example - keeping the bread on the refrigerator and the milk in the cupboard - LOL!

And as I say I have been observing me in slow motion and I get angry/intolerant with and towards myself 'cause I want to move faster and do things faster.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I will not have time within and as my day to finish the things I have to do, due to participating in the mind imagining myself at the end of the day with nothing of my tasks and 'thinks I have to do'completed in time and  besides all having a 'time for myself'  to rest and is when I participate in back-chats as 'uff, I am not going to finish this in time', 'it´s a lot of work' and so establishing a physical consequence such as excitement, worry, desperation, I start sweating and I distract myself as the mind and I don´t do anything as the consequence I allow and create by thinking and creating all these time-loops and dimensions in my mind.

Instead of being here as the Physical and as the breath doing all the things I have to do in the 'presence of myself as myself here. 

Breath is the Pace of Life and within and as that Pace I am and I move myself and I get done what it has to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears of loss - believing that I am going to lose things if I move slower than my mind and If I am here as the breath of life, imagining myself moving slow and not completing anything of the things I have to do and so feel pressured and overwhelmed participating in back-chats such as ¡Faster,faster; move faster, Jessie move faster! and so abusing my body making it moving faster, and so due to this my hands get tight and heavy and for example I can´type efficiently because I am running inside me and the consequence is creating more time-loops, indeed more time as the mind and yes, what I 'loose' is opportunities to stand as the breath and the presence of myself here as life - because all my attention and power I give it to the mind to direct me and to control me.

Instead of me being here within and as the physical; Aware of every movement/moment I am in the presence of the Physical body.

So, Whenever I see myself going to the mind as thoughts, emotions, feelings, perceptions, images  when doing a task, walking, cleaning, typing, reading - I stop, I breathe immediately and accordingly I place myself here as the presence of me as the physical and I become aware of me as everything that is here - all the material things are here as me - so I embrace them and I move me as them - at  the same 'pace'/rhythm.  

I realise, see and understand that me as my mind is moving erratically and so abusing the presence of myself here. The mind makes me participate in the illusion of time and within this in the fear of loss. Time does not exist within and as me.

So, if time doesn´t exist I am here to enjoy the presence of me and the presence of everything and everyone as myself within and as my life.

So, I realise, see and understand that everything within myself as life has a pace and has a space -  for example within over -sleeping I am abusing the pace of life there cause I am not taking in consideration that time for another activities I have to do - is abuse 'cause I am keeping and stealing ,,,,,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-sleep due to feeling and thinking that I am loosing something that is 'mine' - I realise see and understand over-doing things is self-interest - I am exaggerating, I am abusing substance.

Everything  has a space/pace within and as myself.
So, I commit myself to investigate more this and to make a schedule also to place myself as the presence of myself within and as my day and so being me as the directive Principle and not the mind in illusions, perceptions, and ideas, thoughts.

...this will continue...

Day # 44 - My Intolerant Character towards certain people

My intolerant Character towards certain people. 
I Have just read a post of a Catholic person criticizing animals. Defending his point of view in relation to his likes and dislikes about having animals in the house.

I reacted and laughed inside me cause how he can be a 'God-Loving-Person' and he doesn´t consider animals, feeling repulsion and not tolerating hair, barks, noises, comfort etc.

I have reacted to this kind of people of my life cause I don´t understand how they fill their mouths saying/speaking 'God-Prayers, words and deeds' when they are not in fact living  that.

Cool point to expand and investigate -cause since the starting point of 'Everyone and Everything is Yourself' this situation can relate to me also - when I am just writing and writing and not living the Corrections. 
So, I would not have reacted to that words before observing me within what he said. Isn´t it?
Because the only thing that matter is Here. And I am firstly correcting me here within myself, and with self-honesty I have to observe and accept that if I react is because is a separation there.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in reactions and inner conflicts due to this intolerant character I act every time I hear people that doesn´t agree with what I do and what I say. I realize that I react due to the ego´s of the mind - only the mind reacts and places you as special infront others - so, accepting and allowing separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and play as an intolerant character infront of people that doesn´t act like me and so placing  me as trying to impose my point of view upon others - the point of view that I define as valid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play within the polarities of valid and invalid, positive or negative - participating in this energetic reactions inside me of positive if people agree with me and negative if people disagree with me placing me within a defence mechanism trying to search in my mind an speech to leave them 'speechless' and so placing  me as better than others, and justifying this with the 'Good-person-Character' behaviours - saying that I do this for a good cause.
I realize I am accepting and allowing in myself  separation - in me and with others as myself - and so feeding the same violence and intolerant system that is not changing anything in the world but just staying the same because we prefer fighting and talking instead of acting and moving to have a world that is best for All.

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to realise/see and understand the words that Jesus said 'if you are free of any sin, throw the first stone' that is the same as 'not observing you within what you react to face yourself' - which I did, I reacted and throw the first stone instead of observing me within that words and correct me in that.

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I  react upon certain people because I am still separated from the point they are representing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react instead of investigating before saying a word in separation of myself that information within myself.

So, within self-honesty I am this Intolerant Character acting and expressing as one and equal  as a mind system.

I realise, see and understand that I can´t criticize or judge others 'cause I am equally responsible for what they are representing and for which I am reacting.

Whenever I see myself reacting and acting as this intolerant character - I stop, I breathe and I see myself within the words they are expressing in which I am reacting and in self-honesty I face myself and I apply the self-forgiveness accordingly and I correct myself within that to stop the creation of more separation and abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerful due to the information and knowledge, I realise that this is caused by the ego of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the information and knowledge as a weapon against others so I can  make me feel  special, powerful, Instead of assisting and supporting others in equality and oneness to walk and work in a way that is best for All.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to realise, see and understand that when I am acting this intolerant character towards others I am one and equal with the same abuse; I mean there are not levels; not because I am intolerant to abusers that make a 'good person' or a person that is not doing the same.
I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to act as a 'good-person- character' at my convenience and in my secret mind I am the polarity - the abuser - so I am within this playing in polarities, in energy and so one and equal to the system of abuse - So, Why I am complaining.

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am also intolerant towards animals when they do something I define as bad and so, I am nor more or less that an animal abuser - I am one and equal.

So, I forgive myself that I haven´t had humility to accept and allow I am one and equal responsible and the same as others I am intolerant to. 
So, I commit myself to have Humility within myself to see me instead of pointing fingers, so investigating within myself in what I am reacting to face that and apply the self-forgiveness, the self-corrective application to free me from that abuse.



2011 - When Realizations Become EGO

Related articles

• Day # 30 -- My body and Me
• Day#35 -- My Character as an Animal Rescuer. How I create alter-egos
• Day#38 -- The 'ashamed' Character
• Day# 40 - My character of 'Cat Fanatic'
• Day # 31 -- Me as a Character