domingo, 16 de septiembre de 2012

Day # 52 --This Character that Analyse everything - 'So Deep in my Mind'

The other day doing the Ratings and reading other´s desteni members blogs - I stumbled upon my first blog at Multiply - Lol - I began reading it today;a few moments ago.
It was funny how my words had changed and also my English haha.

What I have read so far it has been about my job - how my relationships at work and with my co-workers changed.
I enjoyed reading how they criticized me for being the 'way I was' ( nice, cooperative, liking to be at home, childish, animal lover ) and realizing that it was a reflection of how I have been defining myself and- also the way they define others due to our own acceptances and allowances and I accepted this as a big separation within myself and created this character that wanted to please others.

The main point during my life has been that questions of others and those 'perceptions, ideas' of others and the way they, like scramble their heads to find out why I am like this; because they are not like that.

The main question I receive from others is 'Why you haven´t had a boyfriend? Why you don´t go out? Why do yo prefer to stay at home instead of joining us to parties? Why you don´t enjoy drinking, dancing? - You need a boyfriend to be more 'stable/fun/intelligent.
Here I also could add the relationship I have with my mom, my grandmother and my family in general. Why I am so close to my mother? -- There I observed a pattern inside the ones that used to tell me that - and this pattern is the relationship they have towards their parents - I mean, not a relationship at all and that´s why they used to question me about that relationship. Simply because they didn´t understand it and they didn´t have it
oh, and also is a program within me - cause my mom shares some points that I entail here.

Within this I have also created a polarity cause I used to think also that 'I' was 'wrong' and I had to do my life as others to not bee seen as 'weird' - so, I realise, that even If I saw that it was a pattern within all - fighting towards your parents at a certain age - I was repeating the same points - maybe just to experience them and feel 'normal'.

So, - I see here that my resistances - as I have wrote in my blogs about this point of feeling inadequate and unsatisfied is due to this ideas and perceptions and most of all the habit of comparing myself to others and so the result is me defining my life and feeling that I have to change it on order to feel that I have a normal life just as the other, this creates a big separation cause I don´t let me enjoy myself in oneness and equality, with honesty towards myself.

Summarizing - Instead of me enjoying me fully I think about this possibilities and back-chats:
These are some of the back-chats:
*and What if others are right and I am not living as I have to Live?
*What if I am stupid?
*"I mean, I am almost 30 and I don´t feel attracted to do the same things the others do. Ok, I want to have a couple; be in a relationship with someone, maybe have children; but, I don´t want the 'ordinary' arrangements - I like as desteni says: to have an agreement - Yes I like that.
*What if I am just wasting my life? I am. You are. I am wasting my life being so profound within and as things, in analysing everything. Maybe if It were not as this I would be already in other place within my life - having a career, a job and maybe a family...."as others do".
*"Yes, I am wasting my life"
*" this is the consequence I have created due to being in my mind, I can still be saved? I can still re-order my life?

And well, this post matches with the one I did last night - All my life I have been so deep in my mind - analysing All - just to stop repeating this life over and over again. Lol,

Since I was little I had this 'idea' in my head - that I was here to find a solution to me, to find a solution to stop coming again and again to this 'earth' -- (haha). I wanted to find a 'word' as a 'key' to say: "aja, this is it- I found the door, and bye".
So - within and my experiences within my life I used to keep a 'journal' - even if didn´t write anything in a paper - I kept this journal in my head about things in my life saying "Why this happened" - " this happened for a reason" - " this has to be for some reason".

So, this is another point that I 'touched' yesterday in my SF statements/blog - this tendency of mine of being in my mind 'digging' and also 'hiding' and entertaining myself in there' due to feeling that this 'ordinary life' had a 'secret', had "something" more interesting.

So, all these ended up in my search within the Metaphysics, Religion, Spirituality, Kryon, Reiki, Homoeopathy and ...yes, Desteni!

I have a memory of me in my childhood reading a book about this saint--it was San Francisco de Asis and other saint that was 'touched' by God - it was a little girl that since little showed a 'calling' and so she wanted to be a nun and then she died due to an illness - very young and due to her beliefs and the beliefs of others people proclaimed her a saint.
Well, I felt attracted to that a lot. I felt like I have said in other blogs attracted to that 'discipline' within others towards God and this points and how they 'reached' that point that I perceived as something 'special'

Another memory popped up when I was reading this again - and it was a memory of a T.V Show that I liked..or it was a movie? I don´t remember that well, cause I have search it and I haven´t found anything in relation to this I am going to say.
It was this 'movie' of a boy that was turning into an angel; she had this 'things' in his back - the wings that was growing and her parents were very worried and then those wings reproduce to it´s fullest and the boy went away. I felt so attracted to this. I imprinted this within myself. I created this feeling of wanting to go like that boy - not because I didn´t wanted to hurt my family - no,I just wanted to go "home"...( Lol )

Well, again I touch this points cause again I want to investigate them fondly - and to apply the tools within this point within the relationship I created with my mind, perceiving this world as boring and wanting to gather that 'meaning' towards life, wanting to know it secrets to say -"ok I get it, thanks and bye I don´t want to see you again, Leave me Alone" and how this is creating consequences - as depressions, sadness, and being like stuck and not knowing what to do with my life.

Well.. I´ll continue in the next post with Self-Forgiveness - or more writing if something comes up....

Ok, stay tuned LOL...

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