miércoles, 12 de septiembre de 2012

Day # 48 -- Symptoms...starting point...fears...

I had a flu during this week, I had soar throat and I couldn´t talk efficiently - I realized it was due to the impatience I was experiencing in relation to my pets, also rush within myself.
I observed myself answering my mom with anger - so basically, yes, using the 'spoken word' in separation.

Yesterday I went to the homoeopath - and I have been taking my medicine and I am now more stable and here, with less pain and symptoms.

During this episode I was participating in a lot of fear as never before; fear of dying, fear of having cancer - I thought that the pain in my throat was that - cancer - cause I experience it very rare and the sensation was very different than my past experiences with flu. I imagine myself getting cancer and going to the doctor and them telling me 'Is cancer' - and relating this to my grandfather, he died of throat cancer due to smoking a lot; obviously it wasn´t due to the cigarette of course, it was caused by his emotions and feelings - he commit suicide when the cancer was very hard and he was having a lot of pain ( I was like 3 years old). I found out by myself like 6 years ago; neither my mom and my grandmother told me about this and I was really shocked to find out that 'decision'.
Is also another point than is there in the unconscious - like something unknown and sort of interesting to know how and why and I feel kind of morbidity also. Well, as I said, within these days this ideas related to fear/memories and images came to my head and I was kind of possesed by that fear and due to the incomidity I felt due to the flu I didn´t wanted to write and see the Internet - again it also related to desperation and resistances, doubts and insatisfaction within and as myself.

So - what I realise is this physical symptoms arising when I am again participating in these patterns and behaviours and this causes again more desperation 'cause I get impatient and I feel dissapointed - Why? cause I perceive it as a long way I have to walk...

So again! another and the same time loops....

But I´ll start with the first point that was the Fear of Cancer....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of me having cancer and having to face death slowly but surely and having a 'dead-line' in which my hours are limited and so creating and holding on to back-chats as ' I don´t want to die', 'what if I have cancer', 'I will die', what if I am like my grandfather and I die of cancer' - which represents [ the back-chats] the fear I have to my own fears that I feed and give power due to giving value and importance to systems and programs within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine me with cancer as my grandfather had in the throat and connect the sore throat/ a flu with cancer and fear within these, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect cancer with fears and so having/participating in fear in relation to my own fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear thinking and imagining about the possibility cause I feel and believe that I will get the illness and the desease with the only point of thinking it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to the word 'cancer' a value and power and connect this word with images of pain, disease, sadness and fears - that leads to the need to suppress and run away from speaking and thinink/imagining this word in my head due to the feeling and the belief that If I speak it in my head I will get it in my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/ believe that If I imagine and think about a point I fear I will experience it or get it and so, this leads me to suppress the thought - Instead of Breathing and realising that fears are not real and the only thing I am causing is the physical and mind possession within and as these system as fear.

I realise, see and understand that this fears and ideas are not real, are programmed within and as myself to create and origin me to separate me from myself and from my reality as myself.
Fears are not real. Also the beliefs are not real and I am the only one giving value to them and so feeding them and so giving them 'life' - Instead of Giving Me Life - Giving me Life as the Physical and instead of that I am 'working' for others - for my mind and my mind is not equal to me and is the reason for separation.

When and as I see myself participating in fears in relation to diseases and illnesses - I stop, I bring myself back here. I stop those ideas, perceptions and beliefs and I continue walking here as me.

Death is not real. I am creating it due to the participation, time and value, importance, focus I give to the mind - as that I am in fact 'dying' cause I am only here as food for the mind and that´s why I age and I consume myself.

Death does not exist in Life and so, I commit myself to stop killing myself within and as my behaviours - I commit myself to stop my mind and to be the Starting Point, the Driving Force that directs me within and as the path of what is best for all.


I commit myself to walk this agreement with myself to stop separation, abuse and these dying symptoms I repeat.

this will continue...

4 comentarios:

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