miércoles, 23 de mayo de 2012

Day 27 -- A Menace called Brandy

I had a dream yesterday - it was 2 dreams in one lol.  One of them was like about Desteni I guess,  it was very diffuse. 

The other one was with my one my dogs: Brandy and how I killed her cause I didn´t wanted her to be one of us. I removed her head and I throw the body like I throw the garbage out there of my  house and we felt so 'calmed' with out her and then, I felt remorse, sadness and repentance - I became aware of me in the bed and also of my room and the bathroom - within my room - which is the place where Brandy sleeps and I felt a great relief that she was alive and it was just a dream.

When I get her out I saw her with another eyes ... I´ll explain .... Brandy has a big, healthy and crazy expression - if I can call it that way -and we get, my mom and me, very desperate when we are around her cause she is very childish and playful ; she doesn´t measure her strength and is very difficult to manage her.

So, in various occasions I participate in the desire of not having her and my mom also asks her why she opened the door that night. A neighbour rescued her and knocked on our door waiting for us to keep her, and we didn´t said no., but is was rare that we open the door in that hour, cause my mom doesn´t attends visits in the night. LOL. So this was like 'special' she moved to open automatically without thinking....

I feel bad cause is not her problem; is ours, cause I haven´t been directive towards her in controlling and stopping my feelings and emotions and I have defined her as a burden and I get very angry by his plays - she knows how to make me mad...lol...

So, the dream was an indicative that I had to work with her and my other pets. I don´t want her to abuse her and I know she perceives a certain separation cause I get very anxious cause she is so big and strong that with a hug I can broke hahaha. But she is a great assistance for me! and I do care about her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my dog Brandy as a menace and to have her as a trigger point within myself, that triggers emotions and feelings such as impatience, anger, desperation and rude manners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within desperation when I am around her and I have desired to keep her away from me - giving her in adoption/getting rid of her cause I don´t bare her expression cause she is very dumb and strong. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define Brandy as dumb and as a burden within my life, imagining my life without her more easy and calmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against her without realizing my spite and the pattern of placing me as more than her/as superior with an animal that is not like a human; that is not able to behave as a human, doing things for bothering me. She is a Life Expression, She is here, She is. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to play within a power struggle with a being that is not limited by MCS as Humans - and she doesn´t understand my behaviours and patterns towards her, she express the way they are without thinking, without measuring any act - and with me getting rude and impatience I don´t gain anything and I am not realizing also, is not about her is about me - So she´s an Assistance for me to Face those systems and Stand up from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repent adopting her and participating in wants and desires to get rid of her as a the way I want and desire to get rid of facing myself and taking Responsability for my own actions; instead of facing them, standing here, without wanting to hide and run away from what gets wrong/what´s is threatening my life.

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and realize that I wanted to get rid of her cause, yes, she is a 'menace' for me as a System to take Direction and Face the points I need to work within myself so, that´s why she is here cause she is assisting me in observing patterns and behaviours within myself that requires action, Self-forgiveness and Self-Honesty.

I commit myself to work with her in this points and Accept the assistance she is giving me and continue working within writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective action to equalize me as the Life that Brandy Represents and that is here for me to accept and walk.

I commit myself to accept the assistance Brandy is giving me to flow, to release myself as self-enjoyment, to laugh about myself, to relax, to let go that 

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