I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by being an artist and to feel good by that definition as I feel different from the rest by having special gifts/equipment to do a certain craft, drawing, photo and within this doing a separation between the people that haven´t that special skills and the people that had it - perceiving people that didn´t had that special skills as not so profound and sensitive as the ones that had the ability to draw, to craft etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to art; drawings, photographies, designs, musicians; making this section of life as more interesting, profound and cool; thinking that the people that were artists had a more interesting life and even if they didn´t had a lot of Money as people working in offices they seemed very care-free and with that sense of glamour in them.
In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a desire of wanting to be like them; being an artist as a painter, photographer, designer, crafter and having that sense of 'carefreeness' and glamour and walking within my life as that carefreeness, although I didn´t had enough money in my pockets, and at the same way wanting to have a lot of Money such as the actors/actresses in the movie industry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to connect art-world with carefreeness and a sense of glamour, participating in a desire of wanting to construct that within my life, no matter what; no matter the ideas, beliefs, and also support from others; i wanted to have the image of my mind in my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having a life where I can be my own boss; not receiving orders from others as the way I perceived the artists had their lives - carefree and doing what they wanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard other things in my life because I wanted to live that feelings, emotions, thoughts, experiences, pictures in my head, and also sounds - not realizing those are egos from the mind; not considering what was here as me for just following a picture/image in my head and the starting point of doing what I wanted and not what others wanted me to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at the world, the existence, god, my mother, my family for not providing me with the opportunities to have what I wanted and to be as the ones I saw within my life as family or friends as carefree doing what they wanted to do and not having to work like I have to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn in wanting to have what my mind dictates me and fighting against all to have it although I abuse and not consider all as what is here in my reality; so I forgive myself that I haven´t realized the reality I have due to living in reaching a dream I have in my mind and so being blinded by all that is here that requires my support and assistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against what is real due to being directed by the desire of doing whatever is required to have what I want in my life; even if I have to walk over others to have it
In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsiderate/egocentric - centring and focusing only in myself as my mind, wanting only to satisfy my own mind-bubbles, sucking energy from others to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others to get what I want - using manipulation, nice words and promises I will never accomplish and later use those 'steps to escalate' to the position I want within my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe the art world was the best election to construct my life as the way I wanted - cause I saw artist doing the things they wanted and so taking advantage of my creativity and art abilities to reach to that point.
I realize that the expression I have I use it as a way to get Money, recognition so, Energy for feeding my mind.
I realize and observe that I am abusing the expression of life to feed energy constructs instead of doing them to assist and support life. Expressing myself as the Starting Point of Self as Life and not as the Starting point of getting what I want as Energy.
I stop being Directed by my dreams and due to that not considering others as one as equal to me. I observe and consider others as myself and I commit myself to investigate more further this true-being I was creating/accepting within myself - a dictator.
I commit myself to uncover and stop this evil within me to Bring myself back here as Life as a being that Considers and cares for others and me as One and Equal as Life and to stand as self-Humble and Self-Honesty to stop myself as a transgressor within life; using others to get what I want until I stand as clarity, humbleness, real service and real acceptance/ love for me and others.
I started this blog as a way to talk and expose about the relation of me and art and I ended up with discovering another layer in me that is how I have abused others to get what I want- facing me as someone that doesn´t cares and consider others in fact. The true nature of my Starting Point was to get what I wanted.
This will continue and I´ll use my star-sign - Capricorn - as an assistance.
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