Day # 24 --- I want to get what I want ; art, dreams and evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by being an artist and to feel good by that definition as I feel different from the rest by having special gifts/equipment to  do a certain craft, drawing, photo and within this doing a separation between the people that haven´t that special skills and the people that had it  - perceiving  people that didn´t had that special skills as not so profound and sensitive as the ones that had the ability to draw, to craft etc.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to art; drawings, photographies, designs, musicians; making this section of life as more interesting, profound and cool; thinking that the people that were artists had a more interesting life and even if they didn´t had a lot of Money as people working in offices they seemed very care-free and with that sense of glamour in them.
In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a desire of wanting to be like them; being an artist as a painter, photographer, designer, crafter and having that sense of 'carefreeness' and glamour and walking within my life as that carefreeness, although I didn´t had enough money in my pockets, and at the same way wanting to have  a lot of Money such as the actors/actresses in the movie industry.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to connect art-world with carefreeness and a sense of glamour, participating in a desire of wanting to construct that within my life, no matter what; no matter the ideas, beliefs, and also support from others; i wanted to have the image of my mind in my reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having a life where I can be my own boss; not receiving orders from others as the way I perceived the artists had their lives - carefree and doing what they wanted.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard other things in my life because I wanted to live that feelings, emotions, thoughts, experiences, pictures in my head, and also sounds - not realizing those are egos from the mind; not considering what was here as me for just following a picture/image in my head and the starting point of doing what I wanted and not what others wanted me to do.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at the world, the existence, god, my mother, my family for not providing me with the opportunities to have what I wanted and to be as the ones I saw within my life as family or friends as carefree doing what they wanted to do and not having to work like I have to.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn in wanting to have what my mind dictates me and fighting against all to have it although I abuse and not consider all as what is  here in my reality; so  I forgive myself that I haven´t realized the reality I have due to living in reaching a dream I have in my mind and so being blinded by all that is here that requires my support and assistance.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against what is real due to being directed by the desire of doing whatever is required to have what I want in my life; even if I  have to walk over others to have it
In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsiderate/egocentric - centring and focusing only in myself as my mind, wanting only to satisfy my own mind-bubbles, sucking energy from others to get what I want.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others to get what I want - using manipulation, nice words and promises I will never accomplish and later use those 'steps to escalate' to the position I want within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe the art world was the best election to construct my life as the way I wanted - cause I saw artist doing the things they wanted and so taking advantage of my creativity and art abilities  to reach to that point.




I realize that the expression I have  I use it as a way to get Money, recognition so, Energy for feeding my mind.
I realize and observe that I am abusing the expression of life to feed energy constructs instead of doing them to assist and support life.  Expressing  myself as the Starting Point of Self as Life and not as the Starting point of getting what I want as Energy.


I stop being Directed by my dreams and due to that not considering others as one as equal to me. I observe and consider others as myself and I commit myself to investigate more further this true-being I was creating/accepting within myself - a dictator. 


I commit myself to uncover and stop this evil within me to Bring myself back here as Life as a being that Considers and cares for others and me as One and Equal as Life and to stand as self-Humble and Self-Honesty to stop myself as a transgressor within life; using others to get what I want until I stand as clarity, humbleness, real service and real acceptance/ love for me and others.




.....................................................................


I started this blog as a way to talk and expose about the relation of me and art and I ended up with discovering another layer in me that is how I have abused others to get what I want- facing me as someone that doesn´t cares and consider others in fact. The true nature of my Starting Point was to get what I wanted.


This will continue and I´ll use my star-sign -  Capricorn - as an assistance.

Journey of Life in Facebook

Day 18 --- Facade --continuing Opening the Gates of my own cell

Facade:

• a facade is in front of a place. like cathedrals, houses, churches, stores, malls and so on.
• • A False front. What you see. Not the whole story or whole answer 

• The face of a building. A game. Something that is not what it appears to be. 
• The front of a building, esp. an imposing or decorative one.

• The way something or somebody appears on the surface, especially when that appearance is false or meant to deceive.

• An appearance, often deceptive.

Sounding of the Word:

Fake - Aid.

A Fake ID.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a false presentation of myself to protect my back-chats and thoughts about other people and to protect myself from others to know how I really am and what I am really thinking, feeling, experiencing myself and experiencing the world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build within me and around me a facade to present myself as someone else infront the people as family and friends  to be socially accepted by them and evade problems with other people  maintaining a 'low profile' among them due to the feelings of awkwardness within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the creation of protections and defence mechanisms to keep me suppressed by myself and locked within myself, instead of being here as self-support in every moment of breath and living one and equal to everyone as myself without participating in fears and energetic reactions towards everything that enter in contact with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build slowly but surely a 'stone wall' around me as a protection where I could keep and suppress my own self without realizing the abuse I am doing with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap me inside of a prison and placing me and defining me as a warden of that place inside me to protect me from my reality; trapping me and suppressing me to avoid seeing my creations and my Responsability in them Instead of being here as my self-support and self-guidance as the Director of my own reality and being one and equal to myself and to others.

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to Realize the abuse I am inflicting to myself; the Abuse I was Inflicting to Life, because I believed that the fears within me were real and I didn´t realized the illusion I was feeding within and as me, and thus I perceived others and reality as the monsters and I defined me as the victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim of my reality, stating or believing that I am not Responsible for what is here as abuse and that I can´t stop it and correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself also to use this facade as a way to abuse and deceive others cause I also protected my back-chats and me as a demon presenting myself as a nice person and as a person that would not do the same things done to me to another; so participating and feeding mind egos and separating myself from others in my mind; keeping my secret mind protected and 'secret' from others to feel more secure, brave and interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as a person with principles when In fact I also participate within dishonesties and abuse towards others in my mind; maybe I don´t externalize it as others but I think it and I feed abuse in my mind. I realize I am one and equal to those I criticize and perceive less than me. 

I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to avoid presenting the 'whole truth' as me; wanting to keep secrets within myself as a mechanism of defence where I could say the last word in my mind and so doing things my way without giving the whole answer - in this I accepted and allowed deception and abuse for myself and for others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'decorate' myself using multiple personalities to deceive and to protect my secret mind to others, so I can not be matter for discussions because I play within a 'low profile'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present various 'identifications' depending on what suits me in the moment - so deceiving and manipulation others to obtain what I always want.

I realize this abuse towards life. I stop it. I eliminate the fake identifications within me and I destroy that facades I built around me. So I stop this as myself, I tool Self-Responsability and I stand as self-honesty and I  present myself as what I really am, To be Clear and Accountable, Liable to do and act for What is best for all as Life.

I stand here Clear and I open those doors inside me that are suppressing me and Separating me from life - from me, from others.

I am Self-Acceptance, I let myself live Here. Outside of my Mind  as Limitations, Fears, Suppressions, egos, deceptions.

I Commit myself to walk, direct myself and Support myself with the Tools of Writing, Self-Forgiveness, Correction applications, and Breathing Everything as me

I breathe everything as One and equal to myself

I Open my physical eyes to see what I have created and I take Responsability for Everything and I correct it with here, in every moment of Breath.

Day 15 --- Ego; I unlock myself

Writing all days has been a great tool for me. I have been observing more spaces where I 
didn´t wanted to see in my past writtings.
I am surprised every day with the things I discover of myself and well, another point I was not observing clearly is my egos...I still have them, and I participated within them when I take a pause within my process.
Ok, I´ll start  my SF cause is the best way to expose everything.




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my egos by feeling ashamed of them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my egos so, instead of facing them I suppress them in the deepest of me - like hiding them under the rug.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my egos and that´s why I don´t want to expose them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of exposing me here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a mechanism of protection and defence and not realizing this is a form of supporting ego.
I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and realized that in defending and protecting me from others I am participating in Mind egos - I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as hard and tough towards myself and others without realizing I was the  personification of my egos.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and realized that fearing to be harmed by others is another face of my egos.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality that is strong and though to protect me and hide my insecurities - so, another face of my ego.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior due to the knowledge and information I have gathered trough all this years, information that is not very common between the people I know so I used and use this information to criticize others in my mind.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life - me and others - through using Knowledge and information to make me feel superior to others.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back-chat about others using the information I have gathered and placing me as better than others in my mind and in my 'facade' = fake-presentation of myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a fake presentation of myself to pretend I am strong like others and so, with me building a fake presentation participating in my fears of not being 'good enough' and also weak.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in weakness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build this personality to hide the real me. I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to fear presenting to others the real me cause I perceive I will be harmed and abused.


I forgive myself that I haven´t realized that this is making me feel unworthy of sharing with others - so, taking me to Isolation - instead of letting all control and egos and share with others as myself as One and Equal to life.


I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself as One and Equal to others - I am one and equal to everyone here and there´s no need to protect me, there is no need to keep myself locked inside myself.


I commit myself to use the Self-Honesty, Self-forgiveness, self-corrective applications as a Key to un-lock what I Really am. Stopping all fears of being Me - stopping all justifications and excuses within me and letting Go the control I have placed over me.


I commit myself to expose my back-chats in every breath and to equalize me as one and equal to others, to life and stopping my participation within Egos.
I realize there is no need to protect me and still participating in my mind cause the Reality is not what I have perceived and feel.


I stop following my emotions, thoughts, feelings and I Place myself here as One and equal to Life.
I accept myself. I give myself the opportunity to be here.




Helpful links:
God Created Ego -- day 15


Reptilians- The Road Ahead part # 2