martes, 22 de marzo de 2016

Day # 293 ---- Being on top

I keep searching and searching for another job option where I can get more money.
I am not comfortable with the money I am getting in my actual job, sometimes I run out of money at the end of my month and its surprising that sometimes I can´t have money also for my transportation to my´s enough, I can´t stand this anymore.
So, I will keep searching and searching...I don´t know what I will end up doing, sometimes I feel very anxious in thinking and in seeing myself in one year and I get sad due to not having something stable. I want to have something for my own....have more stability in a job where I can be happy and having enough money to go out and do what I want and buy the things I want, help my mom, giving her money, taking her on vacations, buying her a new car, buying me a new car....
I have to work hard, and I really want to achieve goals by myself, not depending on anyone but myself.
In the meantime I am making excercise to keep myself in shape, but also in maintining myself busy and not participating in nasty thoughts and feelings. 

At the same time I am thankful as I always say about what I have haven´t been a lot like what other people have lived but I liked the way my life has been...nowadays I have been struggling with money but I have done cool things, I have met awsome people, I am healthy, I am faithful in that I will have money! 
Because money it´s important! And money cannot be a point of struggle for anyone. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful about the future due to not finding a cool job for me with more opprtunities to grow and to be stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that stability will come from outside myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing that stability requires to born inside myself to express it to the outside - to my reality - to my world. 
I know anyone - a job, a person, a place, a situation, etc- won´t give me the stability I have to build for myself.

I am constantly wanting to search for be more, and I get impatient when things don´t go the way I want and also I get bored very easily with things because I start imagining myself that maybe in other place I will be better...or then I want to have more experiences...
LOL  I am restless, but at the same time I fall in comfort zones and thats the thing I have to stop.
For example in this job ....I don´t want it to turn it into a comfort zone and stopping myself from searching because I have this job, although I get a miserable salary, I have something and I have friends, and I have a rutine that is nice and I can from time to time buy cool things...
I don´t want that....

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry because I am not getting to any place in my life due to thoughts and feelings of not being good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe I am not getting to a place because I tend to compare myself with other people ( people are fighting to survive just as me so there´s nothing to feel sad or ashamed) within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowinmg myself to be ashamed of being 33 years and not having what I wanted when I was 20, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself, to continue being hard and scolding myself for not reaching to the image I have in my mind of what I would want to.
I see, realise and understand that I have to step by step continue building and reaching my goals cause everything I want I can achieve it. 
I only have to make the decision and stop fears and insecurities.

Great. I am getting to nice point here. 
Being ashamed.  Insecurities and fears.
and the continuos point of being hard on myself.

I am hard on myself cause I know I can make great things, but I can´t like, reach the potential I want due to money and other priorities I have !! 
and I have to make them quickly - I have to move fast!! Have to run due to the years/time I was just walking .... 

I will continue with these points on the next posts.

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