jueves, 26 de abril de 2012

Day 12 # Indifference and Coldness

I am focusing in my sleeping pattern and I am pushing myself to stand and to investigate myself within this behaviour and get out of this deliberates wastes of time/ breaths I accept in my reality.
Today was other day of moving myself out of my bed and I began to be very cold against myself cause I again over-sleep for 2 hours. 
I began to do my activities without thinking to much in this but I was disappointed and all my day were observing me as serious and indifferent towards myself. 
While I was knitting I began breathing and stopping those judgements against myself.
I really want to quit doing this - is like a drug, is this substance that makes me 'die' for many hours to evade myself.
I set my clock at night and the thought that pop - up related to the hour was 'Is very early, What I am going to do so early? I prefer waking up more late when the sun is up' 
I observe that thought and I really believe it. I stopped and I went to sleep. 
Indeed I wake up more late - when according to myself is an hour when I can make more things.
My Internet connection has been failing in the mornings so when I wake up early I want to get in and I am not able to connect me; so I used that as a justification --> 'there´s not Internet at that time, what I am going to do?

I am very careful also this doesn´t become an obsession, cause I usually get obsessed when I want things and I participate in this behaviour until I complete or until I get what I want.

So I stopped, I breathe and I start to do my activities. Directing myself to stop this resistances and tiredness within me. 

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in indifference towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use indifference as a punishment towards myself; accepting disappointment and feelings of not being able to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within apathy through my day because I can get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel apathetic, indifferent and angry when I don´t get what I want; specially something that is going to benefit me within my process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel with my 'battery-low' cause I was not able to correct myself within this point of my sleep-patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is a process and breath by breath I am going to change and not rushing and anticipating so participating in systems like energy, desires and needs and anger and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to much in getting things done instead of walking here; breath, by breath; enjoying my process and not being in control all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in constant control over me - meassuring all my movements, words, thoughts, feelings and emotions -. instead of walk this process in Simplicity. enjoying every breath I take and enjoying the correction in every breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am doing something wrong because I cannot change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to reach the image I have in my head  of myself without this behaviour.

I stop correcting myself since the Starting Point of Energy, control and abuse to myself. 
I realize I am putting many con-centration in my process and also I am allowing abuse within this. 
I am not enjoying myself walking this process and it shows every time I rush and I force myself to change immediately.
I realize this is a process and I am here walking and self.correcting me in every breath and this takes time.

When and as I see myself rushing and forcing me within this process to attain something since the starting point of a desire and need. I stop, I breathe; I clear myself here and I observe the abuse within this so I breathe and I start from 0 within Simplicity walking within my reality and enjoying my process and enjoying also my self-correction and self-forgiveness.
I don´t take anything personal and I stop all critics to myself. I breathe and I start again correcting myself and enjoying me as everything that is here.
Every time I see myself participating in desperation and in anger I stop; I breathe and I bring myself back here and in Simplicity walk and work with was is here; not taking this so seriously and continue in the next moment; in the next breath here as life, Embracing me! Accepting me.

I commit myself to enjoy process and to live it as something Natural within me, as an expression of myself.
Simple as a breath. Breath by Breath I walk.

Yes, I realize now!
I am in constant control; concentrating in how I have to do my process and that´s why I keep participating in this energy-movements inside me.

I promised myself to not be so hard on myself and Walk this process as a breath, slow myself and in Simplicity participate within my reality.
And because is a process this takes time and dedication and I am here, I am doing it so, I stop punishments towards myself and treat me with that coldness and not trusting myself.

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