Day 13 -- Family and Old Times

I go out today; my mother went to change the oil of her car and I take her in my car while the service were finished.

I wake up and I felt a resistance to do it - I was getting ready; changing my clothes and all and I started to resist and feel I didn´t wanted to go.

I noticed I began to feel angry and I start my Self-Forgiveness on my way to pick my mom. 

I clear myself and I bring myself back here. I promised myself to apply this without justifications and waiting until I come here to write.

Then, we arrived home and I started to eat. My neighbours usually  have visits  - they have 2 children - and I hear all the movement they have when they do gatherings and parties. 

When I hear them I feel 'melancholy'  for my past. I remember when we had our house full of people. We had seasons when many uncles and nephews from the united states visited us and stayed at home for many days.

I enjoyed that. I enjoyed hearing people, noises in the morning and while I was sleeping.

Now is different. My mom and me are the only ones here at house and many of my uncles are now dead so we don´t receive many visits; now we go to visit family but not as often as before ( also due to my pets is very difficult to receive friends) and not with the same 'quality' as before.

We keep in touch with the my uncles and nephews my grandmother used to visit more, but many times the environment is not honest and I 'feel' that and I feel very uncomfortable.  Some times is easy to 'read' people and some others not -- I have been stopping that and stop all those thoughts and back-chats but then I can have physical reference of that 'thoughts'.

Well, as I was saying that pattern open again today when hearing the noises back there - in my neighbour´s house - while I was eating. I was eating alone, my mother was in her room and I wanted to be there, in my past, and I felt sad. My memories go slowly but surely while the old people I enjoyed go away for ever. I feel a part of me goes to. ¿My past really happened?  Living here is like the past didn´t happened cause I am not bringing that past here and just walking and breathing here.

------------------------------------------------------------

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when remembering my past and perceiving it as better than my present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of melancholy; remembering my past and desiring to bring my past back here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my past as better than the present; thus I forgive myself to experience myself as better in my past; allowing to exist in constant separation an abuse towards myself cause I am divided in my mind; being in constant participation in my past experiences and memories instead of being here in the totality of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divide myself in multiple layers - to exist in multiple dimensions and also personalities within myself instead of being here in every breath I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad to see other families having their homes full of people,  thinking in my past and participate in emotions, feelings, memories, images, even sounds separating myself from my reality and from  myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed separations within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my life with the life of others - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself and my life participating in comparisons and in feelings, emotions, pictures, images, and also underestimating my life and feeling it less than others cause I am not surrounded with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself happy when I am surrounded by people and sad when I am alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that happiness exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that happiness exists only in my mind and so, outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness with being sorrounded by people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect happiness with memories from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness with having my house with relatives as it was in my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect happiness with an image in my mind of my relatives gathered in my house every weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect happiness within memories of my past, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect sadness with my present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate my present because It doesn´t compares to my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'try' to find happiness somewhere 'out there'  separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find happiness within my mind as memories instead of investigating why I can live it here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care for my own happiness; allowing separation within me and with others as myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my past had more 'quality'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in separation and dishonesties, and abuse towards others as myself within also comparing the people that is here with the people of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately live in an illusion, instead of being here in my reality, embracing all that is here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and connect my past with quality and thus perceiving my present as without quality; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that life is defined by quality, so defined by characteristics programmed in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life with my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life through the eyes of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto memories, past experiences and people that has gone already instead of living and being here in every breath, stopping my participation within the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed me and all the people that is here as me  for what they really are, but instead I have been imposing my past unto my reality; so I am not realizing and observing I am in constant separation and surviving in an illusion.

I stop all Illusions here. I Embrace them all and I stop them within myself. 

I stop all judgements, comparisions and perceptions.

When and I as see myself entering/participating within my mind in bringing back memories, pictures, images, thoughts, feelings and emotions of my past, I breathe; I stop and I Bring Myself back here to enjoy my reality and enjoy myself and others as myself here, stopping the search of happiness in other places that are not here as myself. 

Stopping the necessity and desires of participating in the past to experience a false perception of happiness. 

When and I as see myself participating in emotions, feelings, memories, thoughts of my past when I see or hear people having reunions in their house. I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back here within my breath and I realize I am the expression of happiness and joy here and i don´t need anything to give me this expression separated from me.

I am here, I enjoy everything and everyone as myself here. I am the expression of happiness within and as Oneness and Equality.

I realise and I accept myself as the expression of joy of like within and as Oneness and equality; it is me as who I am. In other words the expression of joy is not laughter, smiling and jumping, being energetic.

The Joy is the Presence of me As who I am  of life within and as onenes and equality - constant, stable, presence, here in every breath.

I realise all Expressions of Life are not searched are Lived. 

I realize all expressions of Life are not originated from something outside of myself.

I realize all the expressions of life are not generated by outer sources.

They are Here as me within Oneness and equality.