I am going to write about the point I see I am participating in lately that is my fear of loosing people. I like to be close to people, although I am not very social, I like to keep my circle of friends small. Horoscope says that Capricorns are very social, but not me. I like to be around people that I can be myself and big circle of people tends to get me anxious and I distract and I am not very fond of that. I have noticed my idea also of not being very very close to people to protect me from being hurt. I also, kind of feel guilty when I loose contact with people, I tend to feel I am the one that ruin the relationship. I am very hard on myself sometimes. All these is related to past events in my life where I was not accepted totally due to me being very shy and insecure about myself, I received rejection due to feeling rejection of my self, i wanted to be different than who I was so yes, I received the same energy. So I began to be a people pleaser, I didn´t wanted to enter in any conflict at all. With the Desteni tools I began to develop more security and to stop pleasing people, and I don´t care anymore if they like me or not,... Well...thats a short intro - lol. But yes, due to past events I have developed a fear of abandonment - although I enjoy being alone and stuff, but when I meet someone special, I inmediately think I will loose them someday and that makes me sad so I prefer not making anyone special or getting used to people and also places, situations etc. I feel that when you do this - placing someone in an special position - you are signing an inevitable end. The other people - the normal ones - friends, co-workers, people you don´t get along with - are in a safe position cause you are not tagging them with that feelings and emotions but, yes, I know, people needs to get closer to other people to connect and assist themselves and for example in agreements - having that one person to rely on and to support each other and to know you better, cause yes, i have seen that I know myself better when I create intimacy with my closest friends ( I am not talking about sex - lol ) its about being open and transparent and sharing with them several things to get support I realise that feeling abandoned or fearing being alone is separation, its a deshonesty and abuse I am feeding in me. And its ego also. Nobody belongs to anyone, but it can be cool to kind of "belong" to one person and make him/her your support in this life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be remain in comfort zones at meeting people due to fear of being hurt/judged and abandoned at some stage in my life so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to show who I really am to others and to share unconditionally to my extern reality. I see, realise and understand the separation I am accepting and allowing within me and within others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feed the idea in my mind that people will go in some stage in life and remain in that idea/feeling and emotion during my relationship wiith them instead of enjoying their presence in my life. I see, realise and understand we are all here. It doesn´t matter if it´s far or near, they are all here. Yes, sometimes you can´t force the relationships and you have to stop seeing certain people due to several points but that´s all separation due to participation in the mind - feelings, emotions - and feeding the pre-programmed systems in ourselves Reading this blog assisted me a lot to realise how we have been creating our relationships: http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-14-do-you-love-breakups.html
More patterns to change....another one that I have to do to clean all the mess I have done in my life it´s acting in the physical and learn to say "NO" - specially to food...yeah food that it´s not supportive for me. I never had this tendency to take care of what I eat and I grew up in a mexican family and my grandmother was a great cook so she always was preparing delicious food for me and my mom and we usually had family reunions at home on weekends so I had never had time to eat in a balanced way....I ate healthy but not balanced. I began making diets and taking care of me but always the delicious food was flirting with me and I didn´t had the complete will to say "NO", until 2 or 3 years that I began investigating which food its better for me and now I am indeed more carefull and I had developed the will to say no - lol... I don´t want to make a diet because I want to eat everything I like but in a measured and balanced way also I am more connected with my body and I can observe when I abuse...like today that I am feeling very awful due to sugar...I have eated a lot of sugar this days, specially coke and ice-creams and I do observe that when I eat carbohydrates ans sugars I start feeling bad. So, I am doing a complete change in my diet. yeah, that´s another thing I will change and saying no to the things I know that are making an abuse within me, like feelings, emotions, situations, people and start walking the correction path. That´s why I decided also to make the commitment of writting again, I also have observed that being in a group like Desteni, walking and living principles and being in a way connected and having goals and plans are the best way to change reality and I have seen it change and I want it to change cause I want to reach my goals. I want to live! that´s my desire, my passion, my goal - I want to LIVE!, to be aware of everything, to be part of all the things I enjoy and I enjoying me its the first step. I am grateful for the things and people I have in my life in these moments. I will take care of them as I have done it all my life. Here...it arises a point that I want to explore more deeply - loosing people. It causes a big emptyness when I think in loosing people. So I will write more tomorrow about this. There are so many layers - one of them I was observing today was the fear of saying something that may sound weird or dumb to the other and so I go to the extremes and I see them making fun inside them and stop talking to me. ok, so...I will continue tomorrow. Really tired and dizzy. I just want to sleep
Another step in my way to be better its to love myself. Not accepting less than what I want for me. Today is one of those days where I feel out of this world...wanting to see real people. And there are real people around me i know but maybe its my desire to have someone closer than like my family or friends are. With so many things that has happened within my life these years I am very dissappointed that humans wants to seek for empty things - well, they have always been like that... I know, animals are also like that sometimes, but humans wants to follow that behaviour also instead of creating new rules, specially in love/relationships - like the Principles Desteni shared. I see my friends around me so blind; they just want to share their "happy-life-pictures" when you know they are cheating their partners and friends and so themselves. They forget to love themselves. And for me loving themselves its not allowing that. For example in relationships I only want to be with one person ( at a time ) I know searching for more its seeking to fill the void you have inside, distracting from yourself, wanting to be seen as cool...well, I just don´t get it...its hard to find people attractive, they are so blury, their souls has not spark Then the way people interact are based on hate, and competition. They all wants to be better than others, being mean its cool. People laugh if you are a bitch, and if you want to unite and do better things they say you are crazy or pretending. At the same time that if you tell the truth you are sad and depressed with the world, they just want to be in their bubble. Many animals dying for stupidity like the 2 lions that were killed to save a suicidal man. Why that man wanted to get involved those animals? He just wanted to get attention, he didn´t wanted to die...he just wanted attention! So fucking stupid!!!! But also people get mad and pissed off by one story in the media, the world go crazy for just one thing, instead of observing the complete scene. They are like people giving charity; they clean their hands just caring for a minute or two. I want to change to not be another copy of these people...and I have been one of those copies.... Being better each day in a world full of temptations and kowing what you want its more attractive indeed. A brain full of ideas to change the world and to stand for principles that help others and the more important thing is to see that person loves themselves to much to not accept less than who they are. That´s why I compromise to follow being that person. If I walk alone among others its not important, cause we are ALL- ONE, not specialness at all. It can be funnier to have an accomplice hahaha but thats fine... there are things I don´t understand that people do unto them....things I don´t want to follow participating in... Bleh, maybe I have a dumb heart ....full of fairy and childish dreams...full of Unicorns and kitties... ¬¬ Doesn´t matter I will protect this heart! No one will play with it I will enjoy everything, cause I do learn of all the things I observe and experience, but I know what I want and I want to be a change, I want to create a better world, to stop justifying things with a phrase I hate " we are animals" ( lol, male friends tolds me this everytime they wanna go to be with me ...haha which is very pathetic ) C´mon we have to change and be Real! and not a copy of the quotes you read in a magazine or the portrait you like on Playboy... :) this is here for the record LOL! to not forget to Evolve! = LOVE phew...I breathe... Time to sleep
